(This article is a contributed article.)
Being diagnosed as a narcissist is a trendy thing today. People are openly self-diagnosing and diagnosing others as narcissistic.
In truth, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a rare disorder. Sources including the Mayo Clinic classify NPD as a ‘rare’ disorder citing there are fewer than 200,000 cases diagnosed a year. (This, of course, only represents those who were clinically diagnosed with NPD.)
Per the Mayo Clinic, “NPD is a disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance.”
“Narcissistic personality disorder is found more commonly in men. The cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors.” — Yvonne Gilbert, LCSW, LCAS, CCS
NPD requires a clinical diagnosis and is considered a chronic disorder that can last years or a lifetime. NPD symptoms “ …include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.”
As part of my wife’s ‘post-extramarital affair cover-up’ campaign, she spent time with our children revising our marital history through a complex agenda of propaganda. Her affair had a devastating impact on our family and created fear, anxiety, doubt, and mistrust in our children.
As my wife worked through different marital history revisionist efforts, she found that most didn’t stick because they lacked substance, were factually incorrect, and our children knew it. While our children witnessed our marriage decline, they knew that most of their mother’s new narrative about our marriage was heavily biased toward justifying or excusing her infidelity. However, after failing to create a successful revisionist narrative that worked to support her objective, she landed on the narrative that I was a narcissist.
When our children asked how I could possibly be narcissistic given my personality and behavior were not consistent with any definition of NPD, she told them my narcissistic personality was a ‘rare form of narcissism’. Our children struggled with her declaration for months but eventually realized that if one of their parents was narcissistic, it was their mother.
They understood that her personality had changed running up to, during, and following her affair. She had developed an excessive need for admiration, disregarded others’ feelings, an inability to handle criticism, and a sense of personal entitlement. She had essentially reverted back to a young teenager who rejected her parental role and responsibilities. With all of this in mind, her behavior was narcissistic but she wasn’t a narcissist — just selfish and misguided.
The reality is, almost everyone exhibits narcissistic behavior at times but that doesn’t mean they are narcissistic. My wife’s behavior up to, during, and following her affair included narcissistic-like traits but it wouldn’t be fair to diagnose or assume she was a narcissist. She was just lost in the delusional state of her extramarital affair and was willing to lie and misrepresent things to absolve her of any responsibility for her actions and the demise of our marriage and intact family. Our children still struggle with their new mom and her new narratives, but they have learned to recognize her past and present deception.
Recovering From Infidelity
If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!
Share Your Story
The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.
About CHADIE Foundation
The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.
The CHADIE Foundation 