(This article is a contributed article.)
Not long after our family learned of my wife’s affair and our pending divorce, some of our children came to me with the pain and sorrow they felt about her affair and our divorce.
For years my wife had been confiding in our children about her growing unhappiness with her life and marriage. I wasn’t aware of these conversations but I wasn’t altogether surprised either. We were middle-aged and I had read about ‘midlife crisis’ warnings and while I tried to help her, I was not able to address all of her insecurities about our financial and life challenges. No matter what I did, it seemed I was little more than a sidelined spectator witnessing the destruction of our marriage in slo-mo.
Don’t get me wrong, I have some ownership in the decline of our marriage but she chose to go down the path of self-pity and victimhood — focusing on what we didn’t have instead of what we did have. All of this eventually led her to choose infidelity and that was her undoing and the final act of demolition of our marriage and intact family.
When our children shared their pain and concern over what the future held for them, I tried to present a future where we would all be happy and intact as a family even after divorce. It was difficult but necessary. I knew from the divorced relatives and friends we had that ‘infidelity-caused divorces’ were generally the most challenging and damaging to children.
What came next was startling, disturbing, and unsettling for a parent. Our child shared with me that they now had doubts about ever marrying or being able to trust their spouse to be faithful in marriage. Our child then made a statement that I knew from the way they said it was one they had thought about. They essentially said, “Dad, before I marry, I am going to have my spouse sign a prenuptial. That way if they cheat and our marriage ends in a divorce, I don’t have to start all over like you. I mean, if they cheat and we get divorced, why should I have to split all the money — especially if I brought into the marriage a bunch of money and assets that I had earned before our marriage?”
I’ll spare sharing the rest of the conversation because their statement and question really hit me hard. While raising our children, both my wife and I we’re committed to raising our children in a home full of love, happiness, and an example of marriage that they would want to emulate, build on, and make better when they married. We had failed our children. Well, not only failed, but we also damaged our children in the wake of our divorce. Undoubtedly, my wife’s affair and infidelity was the catalyst for all this, but the destruction of our marriage was the means for our children to change their hopeful view of a committed marriage and family to a view of requiring a prenuptial in place ‘just in case’ their spouse cheated. It broke my heart.
All the years we spent raising our children and talking about the importance of marriage, commitment, dedication, and fidelity — it all died with my wife’s infidelity and our marriage. Our children now lacked hope and confidence in marriage. They saw our marriage go from a beautiful union to an ugly divorce tainted by my wife’s infidelity.
A Sad Epilogue
While it’s true that most legal and financial advisors might recommend putting a prenuptial in place prior to marriage, it is also arguably true that doing so suggests doubt about the efficacy of the marriage working out and an overwhelming emphasis on finances and assets. Children should have faith in love, marriage, integrity, and commitment. A prenuptial undermines such faith.
Recovering from Infidelity
If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!
Share Your Story
The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.
About the CHADIE Foundation
The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.
The CHADIE Foundation 