(The following is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

For many, Father’s Day is a happy day. It is a day to remember the importance of fathers and the positive influence and impact they may have had in our lives. However, for some, Father’s Day can be a day of pain and sorrow. There are many reasons why Father’s Day can be hard.

I’ve reflected on Father’s Day many times. My father wasn’t an engaged parent. He worked hard and provided for me and my family, took us to church, etc. but was not engaged as a father. He spent his free time at home watching television, reading the newspaper, or outside working around the house.

As his children, we tried to engage with him but he wasn’t emotionally available or interested in being an active part of our lives. He was this way with my mother as well. Needless to say, he eventually chose to engage with other women through affairs. He found what he lacked in the beds of women who only needed the warmth of a body without emotional attachment or commitment.

Not surprisingly, Father’s Day for me is a day of reflection and introspective. A day to reflect on more than how I view fatherhood and my father but on what a father can and should be. Having personally been betrayed by my father and my now ex-wife through their marital infidelity, I am caught daily between their betrayal and the betrayal trauma that persists years later. The trauma is not something I carry or think about specific to me but to my mother, siblings, and my children.

For the Fathers Who Betray Spouses and Children

For those fathers who have betrayed spouses and children, Father’s Day may be a time of heartache — or maybe not. It depends on several factors, including if you have fully acknowledged your betrayal, apologized, worked at reconciliation and restitution, etc., or whether you have worked at blaming others, excusing your actions, lying, alienating, or manipulating your children.

If you do not want Father’s Day to be a hard day for your spouse, ex-spouse, children, or yourself, you need to think about what your infidelity, deceit, and manipulation mean to them and how to make reparations for your actions. If you don’t, Father’s Day may become a bitter day for them and you. Betrayal is a devastating thing and if not proactively addressed can alter the lives of those betrayed.

You made a mistake, own up to it. Acknowledge it, apologize, commit to making restitution, and work at repairing the damage you have caused to everyone. Your actions — or inactions — will speak volumes to your fatherhood and legacy.

For the Fathers Who Have Been Betrayed By Spouses

For the fathers who have been betrayed by their spouses, you are not alone. The betrayal you have experienced is traumatic and life-altering but you are still a father and your children need you. Stand up and set aside the pain you feel and father your children. If they are receptive to you, help them. Recognize they are going through betrayal trauma too and trying to reconcile their parent’s deceptive behavior and betrayal.

No matter how hard life is or the pain of the betrayal, do not bring your children with you into the battlefield with your wife. Protect them from as much unnecessary exposure to the betrayal trauma and aftermath as you can. Your children will go through natural emotional cycles of pain, sorrow, depression, fear, and doubt. Be the example and foundation they need to weather their mother’s betrayal.

Also, recognize that your children may eventually turn against you and betray you but you must weather that too. Betraying spouses often manipulate and deceive their children because they do not want to live with the consequences of their actions and find it preferable to demonize the spouse they betrayed. If your children do betray you, be patient and understanding. In time, they will eventually see through the manipulation and deceit.

Never Give Up!

Your children need you! You are their father. Never give up on being their father, example, and supporter. You can be their true north in the storm and aftermath of infidelity.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.