Andrew Cherlin, the author of “The Marriage-Go-Round”, believes we have a “schizophrenic culture about marriage.” He explores the American habit of marriage “churning” — people divorcing and remarrying quickly. “We value marriage, but we also value thinking about ourselves — what makes us happy, what makes us most fulfilled. We think if we are not happy we have the right to end our relationships.”

In the article, Children of Infidelity: How They Hurt and How They Feel, the author notes, “If two people are in a committed relationship, they owe it to one another to be honest. If they cannot stay committed, they need to extricate themselves from the relationship before pursuing other relations. The consequences of acting otherwise are tremendous — especially when children are involved. When a man is unfaithful to his wife, he is being unfaithful to his children as well. How will the children ever trust again? What kinds of relationships will they have? Will they bring unfaithfulness into their own relationships because that’s their experience in their own family and that’s what they expect?”

Whether your children are younger, teenagers, adults, or even aware of the extramarital affair, they will be affected short and long-term. The effects of such betrayal can be devastating to children.

Family law attorney, Andrew Feldstein notes, “Children can feel pressure to become the caretaker or protector of the wronged parent, which increases their emotional stress. Shame, loss of trust, confusion, resentment, ambivalence towards the betraying parent, and acting out are common experiences for children of cheating spouses.”

In the paper, “Betrayal: A Psychological Analysis”, it reads, “The effects of betrayal include shock, loss and grief, morbid preoccupation, damaged self-esteem, self-doubting, anger. Not infrequently they produce life-altering changes. The effects of a catastrophic betrayal are most relevant for anxiety disorders, and OCD and PTSD in particular. Betrayal can cause mental contamination, and the betrayer commonly becomes a source of contamination.”

Children can experience great betrayal trauma from parental infidelity. Betrayal trauma stems from mistreatment by a caregiver or a trusted person, like a parent. Among other things, it can include emotional abuse and betrayal.

In Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, Nogales’ research has found that 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 80% say that the infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and 70% describe the infidelity as affecting their general trust in others.

Know the Signs

No matter the age of your children, be watchful of signs that they may need help dealing with parental infidelity. Nogales’ six core responses typical of children of all ages are a good starting place. She points out:

• “Lacking in trust and becoming doubtful about love’s staying power, some children of infidelity may feel the need to constantly please their parents and others to win the love they need.
• “Older children also develop problems with trust. Identifying with the betrayed parent, they may no longer believe that anyone could truly love them because love seems conditional at best.
• “They may feel that the betrayed parent must have made some mistake to warrant the infidelity, and they fear that they themselves might do something that will trigger a loved one’s rejection and abandonment.
• “To prevent their parent or others from betraying them, children of infidelity may think that they have to hide their emotions and be cautious about what they say and how they act.
• “As they become adults and are involved in romantic relationships, they may avoid commitment for fear that getting too close to someone will make them vulnerable to betrayal.
• “Or they may become overly suspicious and drive away a partner whom they unfairly believe is unfaithful.” (Chapter 2, par. 4–5)

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.