(The following article is a contributed article.)
After learning once again of my wife’s repeated infidelity, it dawned on me that any commitment from her to our marriage was completely gone. She was lost to a delusional state of infidelity and bliss. She had rejected the life of a middle-aged wife and mother in favor of reliving her carefree high school life.
During one of our discussions about whether we wanted to work our marriage out after her most recent affair — I had given up by then on her ever being faithful in our marriage — she mentioned she had talked with several divorcees and shared that they told her the ‘singles’ market wasn’t promising. This, I assumed, was her way of letting me know that I was better off with her, an unfaithful wife, than trying my hand at dating after our divorce.
I knew my wife’s sister had chosen a similar path of extramarital affairs and had not fared well in dating after her affairs and divorce. However, my wife had drawn the illogical conclusion that it was due to a bad market of ‘damaged single’ men rather than understanding the reality of her situation. Her sister’s infidelity inducted her in as a member of the ‘unfaithful’ singles dating club. She was an ‘undesirable’ in terms of dating.
The irony was, that my wife didn’t recognize that she had joined this club of undesirables as well. While my wife tried to convince me that dating after our divorce was not preferable to just working things out, she failed to recognize or acknowledge that once we divorced I would be able to date without the baggage she had of being a betrayer or adulterer.
She had proven she would cheat, lie, and betray her spouse in marriage. She had proven she would willingly sleep with another man and keep it secret from her spouse. She had proven, while still married, that she would give her heart, body, and soul to another man without a marital commitment. She would knowingly risk secretly exposing her spouse to other men’s sexual body fluids, infections, and diseases. She was an ‘undesirable’ option for most men who were dating with faithful and committed marriage in mind.
My wife didn’t accept or acknowledge what her actions meant and how few men would want to marry or even date her given her infidelity track record. While some men might want to have sex with her, they wouldn’t intentionally risk marrying an untrustworthy and unfaithful woman. My wife was in denial about who she had become and how other men would view her infidelity.
After a few months, my wife finally came to understand this and how difficult it would be for her to date with an honest representation of infidelity. She recognized that if she was honest about her infidelity in marriage, most men would consider her an ‘undesirable’ date or marriage option.
Very few men want to take the risk of dating someone who has already proven they would betray their spouse. They would see her as unfaithful, uncommitted, untrustworthy, and unworthy of marriage. She would be ‘an undesirable’ so she would have to continue lying about her affair, who she became during the affair, and what she did during and following her affair.
Not Quite ‘the End’
Years have since passed and she is now remarried to one of her affair partners. The unfortunate truth is, that she is still lying and deceiving her new husband, our children, our families, and our friends about her infidelity history. Her untrustworthy and undesirable status hangs over her like an ominous shadow that she can’t outrun or deny. She continues to run from it, but for how long and how far, no one can know.
Recovery from Infidelity
If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!
Share Your Story
The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.
About CHADIE Foundation
The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.
The CHADIE Foundation 