(The following is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

I was mad as h*ll at my husband. He stopped playing into my controlling behavior and when all else failed, I used sex to try to manipulate him. We had been married for nearly 25 years and I had lost control of him. He wanted to work out our marriage but wasn’t allowing me to control all aspects and conditions of our marriage. This infuriated me!

Over several months, I adjusted my control and manipulation strategy. I began flirting with other men and sharing tidbits of my flirtation escapades with my husband. At first, it seemed to work but then abruptly it stopped working. When I shared my exploits with him he just looked at me as if to say, “How do you expect me to respond to that?” This infuriated me more. So, I took the plunge into an affair with one of the men who I’d been flirting with. He wasn’t particularly handsome or charming but he was more than willing to have an affair with me and my “revenge affair” was underway.

My failed attempts at controlling and manipulating my husband didn’t matter now that I was having an affair. My goal was to prove to my husband that I could hurt him and control him through my affair. He would regret not fighting for me or succumbing to my control and manipulation. He would see that I won in the end.

When my husband finally discovered my affair, it did break his heart. He was incredibly hurt and sad. I told him he didn’t “fight for me” so I found another man and fell in love with him. My husband told me he was willing to forgive me which surprised me because if he would have ever cheated on me I wouldn’t have ever been able to forgive him.

My husband eventually filed for divorce. I fought him and delayed the divorce process to prove to him I was in control (and avoid being exposed as an adulterer.) I didn’t play fair and did everything I could to discredit and defame my husband. More than a year later, we were finally divorced. However, I kept my affair going during the divorce to show the world I was in control. During our divorce, my husband didn’t date or start his own affair because he said, “I made marriage vows to be faithful.”. He kept his “vows” during the divorce — as if we were still committed to each other — until the divorce was final.

I am still angry with him to this day. When he finally started to date after our divorce he didn’t have the anger and baggage I had. He didn’t cheat even though I told people he did. He didn’t want to have an affair — I did. I did everything I could to ensure he would forever regret divorcing me. I even called his family, religious leaders, and friends to stop his wedding. Despite all of this, he eventually remarried. I’ve since remarried as well but I remain angry as h*ll at him for staying faithful and not fighting for me.

Epilogue

I’ve since gone through a few years of counseling and am just now recognizing what a horrible, self-centered, control freak I became in my first marriage. Despite knowing that, I am still angry with my first husband. Even now when I know it was mostly my fault, I blame him for my affair and our divorce. My anger leads me to blame him even now.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity or a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

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The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.