What are some of the destructive behaviors and habits we have as spouses and parents? How are they destructive and why do they persist when we know they are destructive?

When we marry we marry knowing that our lives are bound with our spouse — through the good and bad. We know that life will not be a ‘Happily Ever After’ without significant effort and trial. We know that our bodies age, health declines, and beauty fades. We also know the people we are at the beginning of our marriage will change and can be a good thing if we change together.

However, many happy couples fail the test of reality and marriage. Why do they fail? Generally, they fail because of what the couple brings into their marriage. While there are many conscious and unconscious behaviors and habits we bring into marriage, there are some that are much more destructive than others. Here are a few that when addressed and removed can have a very healthy and positive impact on marriage.

1. Nitpicking Constantly

Nitpicking can be defined as “the finding or pointing out of minor faults in a fussy or pedantic way.” Over time, nitpicking can be a problematic behavior in marriage relationships, but there are times when it can become a form of emotional abuse. When nitpicking is used to degrade the other person and intentionally harm their self-worth, it can become toxic and abusive.

The negative effects of nitpicking can include:

• Arguments and conflict
• Decreased trust and intimacy
• Feelings of resentment
• Low self-esteem
• Reduced relationship satisfaction

Rather than nitpicking your partner, focus on being kind and learning to accept their quirks, idiosyncrasies, and habits. Assessing your own needs and emotions can help you address your feelings without nitpicking.

(Read more about Nitpicking here.)

2. Never Forgiving

In marriage and in life, we can hold on to a lot of anger, bitterness, trauma, and resentment. However, such unresolved grievances only offer a lifetime of pain and sorrow. Regardless of the severity of suffering a person may have faced, it is possible to let this pain go and forgive.

While research shows that forgiveness is good for the soul, it also has positive benefits on our mental and even physical well-being (Luskin, 2003).

While some of these grievances may actually be small, we can devote a tremendous amount of time to them. But what if we decided to forgive those who offended us?

“Perhaps we could redress the imbalance in our lives, focusing on a world full of beauty, kindness, and love, instead of anger, annoyance, and even hate. And what of those incidents that are much bigger? A partner cheats on us, a drunk driver injures a loved one, or a father murders a mother. Research suggests that while immeasurably more painful, the process is the same. Forgiveness ultimately frees us from a pain that we hold so close that it damages our physical and mental well-being, along with our happiness.” (“Psychology of Forgiveness: 10+ Fascinating Research Findings” by Jeremy Sutton, Ph.D.)

“Pain in life is inevitable. Suffering, on the other hand, is optional.” — Dr. Shauna Shapiro (2020).

(Read more about Forgiving here.)

3. Self Over Spouse and Family

Selfish behavior is not necessarily a lack of concern for others but heightened anxiety for your own self. Selfish people are not interested in others’ well-being or feelings, for they lack empathy. They see things from their perspective but cannot see things from other people’s perspectives.

“According to Psychology Today, there are three distinct types of selfish actions: the good, the bad, and the neutral. John Johnson, Ph.D., a former professor of psychology at Pennsylvania State University, says that whenever you’re not sure if your actions veer too far toward greediness, the question to ask yourself is this: “Who’s benefiting from my ‘selfish’ behavior?” If your answer is more of an overlapping Venn diagram of mutual reward than a pie that’s all for you, then your actions might not be so self-absorbed after all. Scrutinize your motivation a bit more with the three buckets of selfishness.”

“Bad selfishness: If you’ve ever done something that only benefits one person on the planet (i.e., yourself) then you’ve been bad selfish. “Ultimately this behavior is bad for both the selfish person and the people victimized and exploited by the selfish person,” Dr. Johnson explains. Research suggests that acts of kindness pay off manyfold, so when we act (bad) selfishly, we’re a casualty of our own actions, too.” (“There Are 3 Distinct Types of Selfishness — and Only *This* One Is Good” by Kells McPhillips)

4. Secrets that Lead to More Secrets and Deception

“Trust is the bedrock of social life at all levels, from romance and parenting to national government. Deception always undermines it. Because truth is so essential to the human enterprise, which relies on a shared view of reality, the default assumption most people have is that others are truthful in their communications and dealings. Most cultures have powerful social sanctions against lying.”

“While everyone lies a little, it appears that only a small percentage of people do most of the lying. There’s evidence that prolific liars share the personality trait of Machiavellianism: They are manipulative and exploitative of others; the trait is closely related to psychopathy.”

“A large body of research identifies three major reasons why people lie: to get something they want, so-called instrumental reasons; to protect or promote themselves; and to harm others. Avoiding punishment may be the main motivation for both children and adults.” (Deception by Psychology Today.)

5. Silent Treatment

Silent treatment refers to the act of intentionally withdrawing from an interaction, refusing to engage further, and shutting the other person out for extended periods of time. This is a very destructive behavior in marriage.

“The silent treatment might be employed by passive personality types to avoid conflict and confrontation, while strong personality types use it to punish or control. Some people may not even consciously choose it at all.” (What You’re Saying When You Give Someone the Silent Treatment by Daryl Austin)

“Research has found that people who received the silent treatment experienced a threat to their needs of belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence. This type of behavior reinforces the feeling that someone we care about wants nothing to do with us. It can feel as though you don’t exist.”

“Research has found that people who received the silent treatment experienced a threat to their needs of belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence. No matter what you try to do, you cannot reach the other person. On the contrary, there is absolutely nothing wrong with setting healthy boundaries in relationships and disagreements or sharing that you need to take a time out, break, or step away to calm down and reset. This demonstrates that you can recognize when your emotions are escalating and take the necessary steps to recover, which is a sign of emotional intelligence.” (The Silent Treatment: Signs & How to Respond by Kristin Davin, LMHC)

6. Seeking External Stability Over Internal Stability

Seeking stability in life is a natural desire but can also lead to a false sense of security. External stability measures can take the form of finances, cars, homes, personal possessions, job titles, body augmentation, cosmetic surgery, etc. while internal stability is more inwardly focused in terms of personal clarity around what stability actually is and means.

Oftentimes, couples may rely on their financial security or their personal possessions to be the center of gravity for their lives rather than their commitment to each other and their marriage. Internal stability and security come from knowing who you are, how you will act or react in certain circumstances, and knowing that possessions, titles, and achievements do not define you or your marriage.

7. Falling Out of Love

Falling out of love is a destructive behavior and an excuse for the destruction of millions of marriages. Love, like so many human feelings and emotions, is not a stable state. Love increases and decreases based on what it is predicated upon and how cared for and nurtured it is. When couples marry, they do not marry with the condition that love will always be there — they marry knowing that love is the fuel that drives the couple to commit to each other and that they will enter into the covenant and commitment of marriage while in parallel working at developing their love for each other and the children they have.

There is no ‘Happily Ever After’ without blood, sweat, and tears. Marriage is hard and when love is tested it doesn’t mean you have fallen out of love. Work at love. Sacrifice for love. Be committed to love. Love can be so deep that it transcends emotion and feeling.

Remember, you fell in love. You can fall out of love but that is an active choice and decision and not something that is out of your control.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.