(The following is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

When is it acceptable for a spouse to lead a secret life through lies and deceit? Is it ever acceptable to lie and deceive your spouse or partner? A few years ago, I found out my wife had once again been unfaithful to me and our children. Amongst dealing with all of the difficult trauma that follows such news, I realized her betrayal went well beyond her secretly having sex with another man while still having sex with me.

Her lies and deceit represented such a core violation of our marital and family commitment and covenants that it has sent ripples through our family that will last a lifetime. Only time will tell how far the ripples will go.

While some surveys suggest more than 90% of Americans still believe infidelity and adultery to be wrong, they are both rampant and severely damaging to marriages and relationships. How then do we rectify the reality that infidelity is likely going to impact us and our children?

Dr. Lisa Firestone, Director of Research and Education at The Glendon Association, speaks at national and international conferences about couple relations, parenting, and suicide and violence prevention. In her article, “Deception and the Destruction of Your Relationship”, she notes the following about infidelity, deception, and lies:

“It’s hard to deny that, as a society, there’s a lot to be examined about the ethics of our own relationships… Infidelity is inarguably prevalent, yet it is extensively frowned upon. Given this discrepancy, it is important for every couple to address how they are going to approach the subject of fidelity and to examine the level of honesty and openness in their relationship.”

“Damaging another person’s sense of reality is immoral. While keeping a relatively insignificant secret from someone you’re close to diminishes that person’s reality, going to great lengths to deceive someone can actually make them question their sanity. It’s true that feeling an attraction or falling in love may be experiences that are out of our control, but we do have control over whether we act on those emotions, and being honest about taking those actions is key to having a relationship based on real substance.”

“…Once a relationship becomes about compromising ourselves or denying who we are, we are no longer living in the reality of what the relationship is but in a fantasy of what we think a relationship should be.”

She goes on to say:

“When we treat our partners with respect and honesty, we are true not only to them but to ourselves. We can make decisions about our lives and our actions without compromising our integrity or acting on a sense of guilt or obligation.”

“…The more open we are with each other, the cleaner and more resilient our relationships become. Conversely, the more comfortable we become with keeping secrets, the more likely we become to tell bigger and bigger lies.”

“When an affair occurs, denial is an act of deception that works to preserve the fantasy that everything is okay. Admitting that something is not okay or that you are looking for something outside the relationship is information that your partner deserves to know. Emotions sprung from deception (like suspicion and anger) can tear a relationship apart, but more importantly, they can truly hurt another person by shattering their sense of truth.”

Building Marriages to Last

For marriages and relationships to truly last, they need to be built on integrity, honesty, and openness. Sustainable relationships are built and maintained through our faith that our spouse or partner is telling us the truth. As painful as it is for a betrayed spouse to learn about their betraying spouse’s sexual encounters or emotional attachments — lying and deception are the most destructive violations and undermine the foundation of any marriage.

Honorable marriages and relationships are built on trust, openness, mutual respect, and personal freedom. However, true freedom comes through making a choice, not just about who we are with but how we will treat our spouse or partner. Choosing to be honest with a spouse every day is what keeps love thriving, marriages strong, and children happy and confident.

(About Dr. Lisa Firestone: Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006), Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice (New Harbinger, 2002), Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003) and The Self Under Siege (Routledge, 2012).)

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy and groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you want to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.