(This is a contributed article.)

I was in college when my parents called me to tell me they were getting divorced. I soon learned that my mother had been having an affair with a married man she had met.

Growing up with my parents, I was under no illusions that they had the greatest marriage in the world, but their marriage had been a good marriage by most standards. However, even in a million years I never would have guessed that my mother would ever cheat on my father or our family. I had always thought that men were generally the ones who cheated in marriage, but I knew my father would never cheat so it never crossed my mind that their marriage would end due to infidelity. Even though my grandfather had been unfaithful to my grandmother, my father decided he would always be honorable and committed to my mother — even when she admitted to her infidelity.

The news of my mother’s extramarital affair hit me hard. It was as if everything that made up my life and seemed normal was ripped away from me. I felt like I was uprooted from my life and implanted into someone else’s life.

Even though I no longer lived at home, was busy as a college student, and working a full-time job, the news of my mother’s affair and my parent’s divorce was devastating. My parents were getting divorced and my family life would never be the same. It distracted me and weighed me down.

Over the next year, as the divorce process was delayed due to COVID-19, my siblings and I watched our mother transform into a counterfeit version of the mother we all loved. She kept her unstable affair going with her affair partner. He broke off his affair with my mother a few times, but she ran back to him every time. I realized every time she ran back to him, she showed she didn’t have a plan if it didn’t work out with her affair partner. She didn’t want to get a job or provide for herself. She just wanted to live a playful and carefree lifestyle.

It took some time but my mother finally recognized she had ruined her marriage and our family and she was trapped in her ‘uncommitted’ affair and needed to do everything she could to guarantee that her affair partner divorced his wife and married her. She was committed to sabotaging her affair partner’s marriage. She put on a show that she was in love and that he did love her too but he felt compelled to stay with his wife. She argued that he was simply struggling with his inevitable divorce.

While witnessing the ups and downs of their affair, I recognized the hidden lessons being taught by my mother and her affair partner to their children. Among the many bad lessons I learned from her, here are a few that still shock me:

1. Cheating in marriage is justifiable and just part of a ‘marriage-ending’ strategy
2. My mom and her affair partner’s brokenness broke our family
3. You can trust your affair partner even though they are dishonest and selfish
4. Causing divorces and breaking up families is acceptable if it makes you happy
5. Gambling your future on ‘cheating with a cheater’ is worth it even if it isn’t
6. Hurting your spouse through betrayal and sexual infidelity is fine as long as you get what you want
7. Cheating and getting what you want are more important than your children and their well-being

While I love my mother, her infidelity and betrayal of our family have changed who she is and our family dynamics. She isn’t honest with herself or others about her infidelity or how she treated my father during their marriage and divorce.

My mother has become bitter and resentful of my father about her affair. She blames him for her betrayal and infidelity. Her affair partner blames his ex-wife too and how she was a bad wife. It is hard to be around them as they both act like victims when their infidelity is the cause of their divorces.

I’m still in my 20s but I still recognize that the lessons my mother taught me shattered my faith and confidence in her and marriage. Based on who she is now, it is doubtful she could ever be true and faithful in her next marriage. All we can do as her children is watch, wait, and pray she figures things out before repeating her ‘bad decisions’ and cheating in her next marriage.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.