(The following is a contributed article.)

Have you ever noticed that spouses who cheat often trade down with their affair partner rather than up? Why is this?

When a spouse cheats, they cheat with someone else who is willing to act in a way that is self-centered and detrimental to them, their children, their affair partner’s children, and faithful spouses. They willingly run the risk of hurting their spouse and children with an affair partner who is equally guilty in their disregard toward their victims.

Parental infidelity can cause most children to question everything that they thought was real or true about their family. This can bring on depression and anxiety. “Infidelity can have a detrimental psychological effect on kids and lead to a dysfunctional family, which can then disrupt their life and hamper their potential,” Tatyana Dyachenko, a sexual and relationship therapist stated.

75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 80% say that infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and 70% describe infidelity as affecting their general trust in others.

Experts say children who learn about parental infidelity react similarly to children whose parents divorce, except the emotional responses to cheating are deeper and can have greater, longer-lasting impacts.

Clinicians say that in the past the impact of affairs and adultery on children was overlooked or possibly dismissed. However, there is growing interest in this field among clinicians today. This increased interest comes, in part, because of a shift in focus in therapy. This shift is on the “family as a unit” and how the actions of one affect the behavior of everybody in the family.

When a spouse or parent is unfaithful, it can make children wonder what’s real — and what’s not. “When a parent is unfaithful, it can cause a child to question the stability they felt at home,” Dr. Cassandra LeClair, Ph.D., a relationship expert and author of “Being Whole: Healing from Trauma and Reclaiming My Voice” stated.

When affairs happen, children may feel unsure about who to trust, and more importantly, who to show their love towards. “They may feel a sense of betrayal and confusion about loyalty,” says Dr. LeClair. “If they have been taught to be honest and care about others’ feelings, they may question why their role models did not have to follow the same rules.” So when parents think, ‘My infidelity or adultery doesn’t involve my children. It has nothing to do with my children,’ they’re lying to themselves.

The long-term effects of parental infidelity can run much deeper than future relationship behavior (i.e., cheating or not cheating). According to clinical psychologist Ana Nogales, author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, growing up in a family with infidelity has a lasting impact on children in terms of how they view their romantic relationships and their ability to trust future partners.

Nogales’ research found that 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent, 80% say that infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships, and 70% describe infidelity as affecting their general trust in others. What happens when children affected by parental infidelity grow up and move on?

Do they take the wounds of infidelity with them? If so, how does this impact their relationships and marriages? Unfortunately, they do. Studies show that children from cheating homes are twice as likely to be unfaithful. In the study, “Family Background and Propensity to Engage in Infidelity,” children of parents who cheated were more likely to cheat as adults, too.

The terrible trend of parental infidelity may be the most hidden and yet, have the most negative impact on our nations and societies’ future. Spouses and parents who cheat and are unfaithful, betray themselves, their spouses, and their children. Worst of all, they did so by trading down with an affair partner who is without remorse for what they have done. Both the cheating parent and their affair partner have denigrated themselves with someone they are statistically unlikely to marry. For those who do marry their affair partner, their marital union comes at a high price of infidelity, betrayal, and discord. They traded down from a committed spouse to an affair partner who has also proven to be uncommitted to marital fidelity and protecting children from the ill effects of infidelity.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.