(This is a contributed article.)

How does one constructively talk about a former spouse who was the ultimate betrayer without coming across as bitter and resentful? It’s been a few years since my wife betrayed me and our family. While I was hurt, angry, demoralized, ashamed, and beaten down, I have journeyed through those feelings, emotions, and more to a place of introspection and have found great consolation and irony in it.

My wife’s betrayal was epic! Had her betrayal role and portrayal of a committed wife been eligible to be recognized by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, she would have easily won an Oscar for her character role. I half-heartedly joke here. She did convince me, our children, and her family that she was a moral and committed wife.

At the time of my wife’s affair, we had been married long enough to have some of our children raised and in college. The last half of our marriage had been filled with the type of drama and discontentment that comes from a wife’s inner and unresolved struggle to rectify her sacrifice of being a mother and not pursuing other personal interests, career opportunities, and passions. She struggled with being middle-aged and all of the things that come with it — like sagging body parts, difficulty losing weight, increasing wrinkles, thinning and greying hair, etc.

She tried diet after diet unsuccessfully. She went to the tanning, hair, and nail salon religiously. She hid her grey hair through dyes and hairsprays. She bought and wore younger generation and trendy clothing. She got involved in the local political scene. She took up sports. She began flirting with men. She started an affair with the wrong married man. (And no, there isn’t a ‘right person’ to start an affair with because an extramarital affair is one of the worst acts of betrayal, dishonesty, and selfishness to a spouse and children.)

What I find most interesting is that my wife’s midlife crisis, her growing discontentment with our marriage and children, and her decisions of betrayal — all led her to a life of amplified dissatisfaction with her decisions and her character. She lamented not having the ‘perfect family’ or the fact there were a few ugly ‘divorces’ in our extended family. In an unfortunate set of irony, her affair guaranteed she would not have a perfect family but a life marred by infidelity-caused divorce and blended broken families.

If that wasn’t enough, she found out along the way that her affair partner would ‘abandon’ her throughout their affair and go back to his wife and children. Despite this, my wife and her affair partner ended up together when they ran out of options because their spouses couldn’t trust them anymore.

There are many unfortunate things about them ending up together, not the least of which is she can never truly know if her affair partner chose her or if she just ended up being the affair that caused his divorce — leaving him with no other alternative but to marry her. Based on what we have learned about her affair partner since then, he was a player who finally got caught and ran out of options.

My wife’s betrayal of me, our children, and our marriage was a betrayal of a committed marriage and family. She replaced it with her marriage to her formerly married, unfaithful, and uncommitted affair partner whose union caused the divorces and the forced blending of our newly divorced families.

I can only imagine how difficult it may be for her to wake up every morning knowing she chose to marry her affair partner who, like her, has already shown he could justify being unfaithful in marriage. You have to wonder if he also questions her commitment and fidelity to him. It’s hard to imagine the irony here without a tinge of deep sorrow for the two of them.

Doubting your spouse’s commitment to you and their fidelity to your marriage must be an everyday h*ll. I take no satisfaction from their self-induced predicament because even though she is a betrayer, she is still the mother of our children.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

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The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.