(The following is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

I am a liar. Not just a liar — I am a very good liar. I lied for most of my marriage. I lied so much that I believed my own lies.

For much of my marriage, my lies were about my inner world. My inner world was what I was thinking or feeling. I presented myself as a strong, confident, fearless, and good woman. I pretended that I didn’t have insecurities, disappointments, or fears. I forged ahead in the face of adversity, never doubting my resolve. It wasn’t true, but it was what I wanted others to believe. And so I lied and lied, and lied more.

I built up and maintained this veneer facade with my husband as well. It wasn’t that he didn’t know me — he just didn’t know all of me. He only knew the parts of me that I felt comfortable sharing with him. I was relentless in keeping these “secret parts” from him. I believed that if he knew the real me — he would not respect or love me. And so I lied.

I had been unhappy and “experiencing dissatisfaction” in my marriage. My unhappiness and dissatisfaction with my marriage was my husband’s fault. He didn’t provide me with the stability I needed or the social status I deserved. He was holding me back. My children were too. My life was unhappy because of them, not me. I had convinced myself that they were dragging me down. However, the truth wasn’t that I had a marriage problem — my problem was really me. Pure and simple — I was the problem.

No matter what my husband did to love, provide for, and care for me — as imperfect as he was — it just wasn’t enough. I started flirting with men, wearing clothing styles to be noticed, and spending time alone with other men. Eventually, I chose to have a sexual affair with another married man. I justified my affair as simply an “emotional affair” — with the benefits of sex.

At the time, I didn’t think of the consequences or the people I would hurt — especially my husband and children. I was too self-centered and consumed with myself and what I thought I wanted and needed. My affair partner and I discussed marriage and how we would combine our two families after we divorced our spouses. It seemed too good to be true — because it was.

However, there were times I had moments of clarity and wanted to get out of my affair and lies. But how could I do that and still keep my reputation and facade image intact? How could I tell the truth and still be respected and loved by my husband, children, friends, and extended family? I had been putting on my facade for too long. I served in a significant leadership role in my church and wasn’t ready to admit to my affair or the moral implications of my adultery. I didn’t believe it was possible that I had put myself in this predicament so I continued the lies — one after another.

However, deep within my soul or inner self — I had moments where I desperately wanted to tell the truth. I was so tired of pretending. As horrible as it would be to be “caught” — the life of lies I was living was polluting and corrupting my soul. I was fearful that my husband would not love me if he knew the whole truth — if he knew the “whole” of what made up me.

Even though my upbringing and religious background had taught me that living a life of integrity meant living a life of honesty — I had chosen to lie to those I loved the most. I had lied to my husband, my children, and myself. If I wanted to live a life filled with integrity, I needed to give my husband the opportunity to love me unconditionally by telling him the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If I told him everything, he could choose for himself and I could free myself from my life of lies. As intimidating and scary as it was, I needed to be free. I just needed to tell the truth and allow him to choose. But I didn’t, because I was a coward.

And so I continued my lies until my husband found out about my affair and my lies and deceit. It crushed him. He was devastated. Even though my husband told me he could forgive me and we could make our marriage work, I wasn’t ready to commit to him or our children. I knew what I had been doing and the life I had chosen was not the life I wanted but it was the life I was willing to live. I knew I was wrong but I embraced the lies and the fantasies they created in my mind.

Within weeks my affair partner left me for his wife. Not only was I lying to myself and all of those whom I loved but I found out that my affair partner had too. He had lied to me and I had lied to him. I lacked the courage to live my life with integrity and honor. I look back on my lies and decisions and I am left saddened and burdened with the ghosts of my past. If only I had had the courage then to avoid the life I live now.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.