Since the founding of the CHADIE Foundation, we have had many opportunities to interact with both those who have been betrayed and those who betrayed. There is a great sadness on both sides. Even within those who are bitter and angry, there remains a palatable and pervasive sadness.

What stands out in a pronounced manner is that at any point, the betrayed could have ‘quit’ their marriage by cheating, but they chose not to. The betrayed were often not caught unaware of their spouse’s dissatisfaction with their marriage, just their willingness to silently ‘quit’ their marriage through cheating and infidelity.

The betrayed were surprised to learn that their spouse wasn’t willing to put in the work to resolve their marital issues, but instead chose infidelity to run away from their problems or to excuse their blatant betrayal.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

In one particular example, a betraying spouse ‘pretended’ that her marriage with her husband was a committed marriage, but she was secretly unfaithful emotionally and sexually. When caught in her infidelity, she denied her betrayal of her husband and family until she could deny it no longer. She then feigned wanting to work out her marriage with her husband while secretly resuming her infidelity.

In every instance where she had the opportunity to either recommit to her marriage or throw in the towel and let her husband know she was done with their marriage, she led him to believe she was satisfied by their marriage and was still committed to it. Her ‘silent quitting’ in her marriage was cowardly and damaging to her marriage, husband, and their children. She disregarded and violated her husband’s right to be informed and to protect himself from her promiscuous sexual behavior.

In another example, a husband attended marriage counseling with his wife while communicating with his affair partner. He led his wife to believe that the decline of their marriage was her doing and not his. He told her he was willing to work at ‘fixing’ their marriage, but continued his life of ‘extramarital’ affairs on the side.

When he was finally caught, he begged her not to divorce him and to give him another chance at making their marriage work. She eventually relented and gave him another chance. Rather than take advantage of this opportunity, he pretended to work at his marriage while he spent his free time, effort, and energy continuing his sexual exploits and infidelity.

“Cheating was easy, but impossible to take back.” — Dean Osborne

In most of the sad stories of the betrayed, we learn that they were lied to, deceived, and betrayed by their spouse and best friend. Their betraying spouse acted in cowardly and deceptive ways to them to continue their infidelity. Their spouse led them to believe they were working toward a shared marital vision and resolution when they weren’t.

Infidelity is mentally, emotionally, and physically painful to the betrayed spouse. When a spouse cheats, whether they know it or not, they are signaling that they have quit their marriage. They can claim ‘it just happened’ all they want, but quitting is an active choice.

“Earthquakes just happen. Tornadoes just happen. Your tongue does not just happen to fall into someone else’s mouth!” — Gemma Halliday

We are reminded of the following quote attributed to Charles J. Orlando, “They didn’t cheat because of who you are. They chose to cheat because of who they are not.”

While marriages damaged by infidelity can be worked out and made whole, continued deception and cheating will only put more unnecessary pressure and weight on marriages already in need of repair and forgiveness. Continued betrayal doesn’t end well for the marriage of the betrayer or betrayed.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.