(This is a contributed article.)

Although there are potentially thousands of choices and decisions that can lead to the unraveling and undoing of marriage, I remember well the conversation that shattered my marriage. It was more of a threat statement than a conversation.

At the time, my wife and I had been married for more than 20 years. Our children were mostly grown and beginning their independent lives. We had two children on their own and one about to fly the nest. We had lived a pretty good and comfortable life. We lived a privileged and comfortable life in the sense that we lived an upper-middle-class life, lived in a few different parts of the U.S., made good money, had access to education and healthcare, etc.

I was raised in a blue-collar working-class home. My wife had been raised in an average white-collar class home. My parents had a rocky, three decade long, marriage that ended with infidelity. My wife’s parent’s marriage was also rocky but they managed on for their children and out of principle.

My wife and I met while we were working through college. Neither one of us had scholarships or parental financing to get us through college so it was a long and difficult process to work, start a family, and go to school. We managed through it though.

Being a wife and a mother is very demanding — as is being a husband and father. The difference is that the stressors are different. I fathered, worked, and went to school to finish my degree. When I finished my degree, I went to work full-time and fathered. My wife mothered full-time after school. She was blessed to be with our children through every step of their growth, but it was a demanding responsibility.

She managed through much of the good and the bad of marriage and parenting but couldn’t find her bearings from time to time. I tried to be the supportive husband and father my father had never been to my mother, me, and my siblings. I fell short too often but I never stopped trying.

I didn’t fully understand her internal struggles and battles. She didn’t talk about them and when I tried to talk with her about them, she avoided the discussion. I suggested counseling but she never really accepted or considered that option. It wasn’t until our conversation a few years later that I realized how far it had gone in her head.

Let’s Get a Divorce

After two of our children had moved out and were on their own, it came to a head. One night while we were settling down for the evening, she started to complain about this and that. Things that were beyond our control, to be honest. She finally said, “I think we should get a divorce.” I was dumbfounded and hurt. In all of our married years, we had never brought up divorce. We were committed to each other, or so I thought.

Until then I believed we could work through anything together. Evidently not. I looked at her with utter disbelief and said, “Okay.” Immediately, her face changed from anger to surprise. She stood there as stunned as I was. I was as surprised with my response as she was. I simply said “Okay” in response to her declaration that we should get a divorce and end our decades-long marriage.

After she regained her composure, she told me I should move out. I responded that because she asked for the divorce she should move out while we worked the divorce out. She refused to move out but soon recounted her position to get a divorce and told me she still loved and adored me. However, at that point, her words were hollow and had no meaning to me anymore. I still believed she loved and adored me but something was missing or broken inside of her.

From that point on, I doubled up my efforts to try to ‘fix our marriage’ but she was ‘hot then cold’ so much that I slowly began to feel the distance increasing between us and I eventually surrendered to the growing reality that she had planted the seed of divorce in her head and heart long ago.

A couple of years later, I discovered that she was having an affair and that was the end of it all. She had changed. She was distant yet angry. Bitter in fact. I was the source and focus of much of her anger. She spent much of her time with our children blaming me and then ‘throwing me under the bus’ in front of them.

I have since learned that the state of your marriage is based more on what’s in the mind than the heart. It’s based on one’s perception, not reality.

She told me during our divorce that she still loved me. I, on the other hand, no longer loved her. Her affair and betrayal destroyed and somehow purged all the love I had for her. There was no room in a committed marriage for affairs and affair partners. I didn’t ever want to be in a threesome relationship again.

Even today, I am surprised by how final and decisive an affair can be in eroding trust, love, and marriage. I know some marriages can weather an affair but not all. Ours couldn’t weather her affair. Once my wife brought up divorce, all hope of commitment slipped away. My suggestion to married couples is this, never bring up divorce unless you have absolutely tried everything and have given your all to save your marriage and family through honoring your vows and commitment to each other. If you do, you may not be able to recover what will be lost.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.