(This is a contributed article.)

Following my wife’s marital betrayal and adultery, we soon divorced. I spent some time after our divorce in deep introspection evaluating what I wanted in my next marriage, what I needed to work on personally to be ready for my second marriage, and the type of wife I wanted to marry.

However, during our divorce, I also spent many, many hours recording my discussions with my soon-to-be ex-wife. This took place shortly after learning of her sexual infidelity and before her adultery, guilt, and shame began to seriously impact her mental health, stability, and judgement.

During one of my discussions with her, she confided that she and her married adultery partner had a ‘heart-to-heart’ discussion to address the obvious elephant in their ‘adultery affair’ room. They discussed with each other how they could have only ever cheated on their spouses with each other. They both concluded they could never have cheated under any other circumstances.

Meaning, that out of the more than seven billion people on the planet, they were the only ones in the world that they would ever cheat on their spouses with. (I was dumbstruck. I had to choke down a laugh and bite my tongue.) She said this with such commitment and confidence that if I didn’t know better, I might have drank the ‘Kool-Aid’ she was drinking about her commitment and fidelity to her affair partner. In their minds, God and the cosmos brought them together to break their marriage vows and covenants with their spouses.

Ironically, my wife had told me countless times during our long marriage that she adored me and would always be faithful to our marriage and children. She had seen the devastation that adultery caused in both her family and mine and said she never wanted any part of betrayal and infidelity.

With that said, who honestly goes into an extramarital affair thinking that their affair partner is honest, trustworthy, or moral? The very act of adultery confirms they aren’t honest, trustworthy, or moral. They are vow, covenant, oath, and promise breakers. Their affair is the ultimate act of self-betrayal, self-deception, and spousal betrayal.

How could my wife and her married adultery partner honestly believe each other when they said that they would only lie to, cheat, deceive, and betray their spouses but never each other? Or that somehow, the betrayal of their marriages, spouses, and children was not an indictment of their selfishness, unfaithfulness, and cheating hearts?

Such willful denial of the obvious truth suggests they are either pretending to believe each other or somehow actually believe they are both exceptional and exempt from betraying each other in the future. Either way, neither one was being honest with the other.

Their Grim Reality Was Grim

Both my wife and her affair partner’s affair ended several times. They both went back to their spouses and half-heartedly tried to work their marriages out and rectify the betrayal of their spouses and children. However, in the end, their hearts were still centered on their affair, betrayal, and infidelity, and both their spouses decided they could no longer believe or trust them. Their adultery guaranteed the end of their marriages and cleared the way for their extramarital affair to end in a last-resort marriage. With a lot of irony, they looked into each other’s eyes and made marriage vows with each other that they had already broken in their first marriages.

Only time will tell if their marriage, one built on adultery and betrayal, can survive the doubt and mistrust that will undoubtedly follow. When my ex-wife’s husband goes to work, stays out late, travels, or is around other women, will she feel confident that he is no longer willing to flirt, date, and commit adultery with other women? Or, when she is at work, out late, out running errands, traveling, at the club, etc. will he trust her fully to not flirt, date, or have an affair with someone else?

Because, when all is said and done, they both know that they are not only capable of lying to, cheating, deceiving, and betraying their spouse, but they have already proven to each other that they are willing to break their marriage vows. Their marriage vows, covenants, oaths, and promises were already intentionally broken before and no matter what they tell each other, they did not value their first marriages and there is no way to prove they will now value their second marriage with each other. Unless of course, out of the seven billion people in the world, they would only ever cheat with each other.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.