Maybe you’ve noticed it too. Maybe not. We’ve been noticing it for some time now. There’s been a rise in stories and proclamations being widely promoted and sensationalized out there. Most of these read or sound something like, “My infidelity freed me.”, “My extramarital affair helped me survive my bad marriage.”, “I am a serial cheater with no regrets.” or “Having sex with someone other than who I am married to isn’t cheating.” No matter how these stories or proclamations are worded or phrased, they are disguised lies, betrayal, and self-deception.

One might argue, “Well, what if they were in an abusive marriage and relationship? We acknowledge that there are abusive relationships and for those marriages that are abusive — whether physically, sexually, or mentally — it is sad and extremely unfortunate. But, no matter how bad a relationship may be, infidelity is not the way to end a marriage or family. It is a cowardly and selfish action and a betrayal of marriage vows and commitment. Infidelity is an act of self-betrayal and self-deception that carries with it serious mental trauma for all involved.

We have yet to see any valid research suggesting that infidelity is a good way to exit a marriage. Also, we have yet to see any rigorous research suggesting most marriages are abusive. Yes, abusive marriages exist and they are a scourge to the institution and spouses in them. However, we are seeing substantial evidence of growing overuse of “abusive marriage” and a lack of honesty from betraying spouses about their role in the demise of their marriages. There’s an increase in placing feelings over facts and reality. Some claim their relationships are ‘abusive’ when they are simply a reflection of what the spouses do and don’t do in their marriage.

The Rise of Lies and Self-Deception

A sad but telling trend we are seeing is that of the adulterer, betrayer, and deceiver who presents their infidelity and betrayal as an ‘admirable,’ ‘honorable,’ or ‘saving act’ to their life and psyche. They proclaim that they had ‘no choice’ but to ‘break their marital vows and promises’ through their adultery. That their infidelity was a benevolent act and not an act of ultimate betrayal or cowardice.

Imagine the conversation a betrayer might have with their betrayed spouse and children following this flawed line of thinking and logic. “Well, honey and children, my affair saved me. I had no other choice but to seek companionship and intimacy with someone else.” The betrayed spouse might then respond, “You could have applied the same level of energy to our marriage that you put into your adultery— rather than deceive and betray us. You had several options other than betrayal, but you chose the cowardly path and put me in a position where I am married to a betraying spouse who cowardly risks my sexual health and mental well-being.” The adulterer’s children might respond with something like, “So, when relationships are difficult, we should expect our spouse to cheat on us and secretly risk exposing us to sexual diseases. As an adult, this is an acceptable mature response to an imperfect marriage? Is this what we have to look forward to when we get married? And you support this?”

When we see or hear proclamations like, “My infidelity freed me.”, “My extramarital affair helped me survive my bad marriage.”, “I am a serial cheater with no regrets.” or “Having sex with someone other than who I am married to isn’t cheating.”, beware the deception abounds! The litmus tests to whether any of these types of arguments or positions have any validity are:

1. If your marriage was bad, what was your role and responsibility vs. your spouse’s role and responsibility?
2. What were all of your options outside of infidelity and betrayal?
3. Why did you choose infidelity given all of your other options?
4. Who benefitted and who was irreparably hurt by your decision to be unfaithful?
5. What are the benefits and long-term effects of your infidelity?

The reality is, that people who betray also lie to deceive people. They need their lies to be believed to hide or excuse their deception and betrayal. They lie to alleviate the guilt they feel from their self-deception and self-betrayal. When we don’t challenge these lies and proclamations, we silently concede to their flawed and self-deceptive argument. Anyone can choose to cheat and betray. Such choices are easy and cowardly but the results of such choices have cascading consequences to all involved. Instead, we should be the valiant guardians of marriage and the well-being of our children.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.