(This is a contributed article.)

We all know what an apology is but not all of us know how to give an apology. Admittedly, I am not the best at apologizing either. I have my moments though.

One definition of an apology is, “a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.” Let’s break that down a bit. “A regretful acknowledgment” means to regret what one has done enough to feel regret and remorse and acknowledge it to the one offended. It also implies that the offended person is justified in taking offense at the act or failure to act by the offending person.

Many years ago when I caught my wife in one of her affairs, I asked myself, could I forgive her for her repeated offense? I am a member of a Christian faith and forgiveness is one of our core tenets and as such I knew that I would need to forgive her for breaking her marriage vows, but I struggled with forgiving her because she expressed no remorse.

My wife offered no apology. None. Nada. Surprisingly, she did the opposite. She was proud of being another married man’s mistress. She started to parade it around to me and our children in what I can only say was an embarrassing and shameful display of immaturity. It was appalling and disheartening to me and our children. With her attitude being what it was, I saw no reason to pretend that we could work through her infidelity to a place of reconciliation, so I filed for divorce.

Weeks later, to our surprise, my wife’s adultery partner severed their affair relationship and went back to his wife and family to try to work things out. His cowardice in abandoning my wife was devastating to her. In the spirit of a rebounding cheating spouse, my wife asked if we could work things out, but she still wasn’t willing to apologize for her adultery and betrayal. She still viewed her adultery as a justified part of a ‘committed relationship’ with her married adultery partner. It seemed to me that she confused lust and infidelity with committed love and marriage.

How did she get to this point? I am not sure exactly. She had withdrawn from our marriage in different ways over the years. Occasionally emerging from time to time but more often than not, she withdrew. Marriage and life tests couples in ways you can’t anticipate. Some couples weather it together, some don’t. In the end, she had become disenchanted with being a middle-aged wife and mother. Both were quite demanding roles filled with real-life challenges and responsibilities. Instead of working through things, she sought an escape with a man who was only committed to their affair as long as he could keep both his wife and sex mistress.

Despite not getting an apology from my wife, I decided I would give her a chance to prove she was committed to making our marriage work and renouncing her adulterous relationship with her betraying affair partner. I felt that if I could see her recommitting to our marriage, she might eventually recognize her betrayal and deception and apologize to me and our children.

I don’t pretend to have been the perfect husband. I never have. I never was and never will be. I know for most of my marriage that I tried. My wife regularly told me she loved and appreciated me. She even said we were soulmates. I expressed similar feelings for her. However, in the last few years of our marriage, all of those feelings and comments began to disappear.

Within a few weeks of trying to work with my wife, I realized that my wife would never apologize and she would never let go of her affair. She was still emotionally lost in the fantasy of her broken affair. Her affair partner got what he wanted and then scurried back to his wife with his tail between his legs.

Years after our divorce, there’s still no apology from either my ex-wife or her ex-adultery partner. They both lost their marriages for a lustful fantasy that ended in their mutual betrayal. Neither one of them seems capable of apologizing for their betrayal and infidelity.

Forgiveness is Independent of Being Asked to Forgive

Despite all of this, I have worked at forgiving my ex-wife. It has been hard. I mean, probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I have gotten to a place where I can forgive her. However, even though I can forgive her, I would never trust her again since she proved then, and continues even now to prove, that she can’t be trusted. That said, my forgiveness to her is enough. I can wash my hands of her betrayal and not carry the burden and pain around anymore.

Learning just how healing the act of forgiving is was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. Being unwilling to forgive her weighed me down and taxed me in so many ways. However, being willing to forgive her has freed me from a life of resentment and anger. I still feel the effects of her betrayal but I try not to dwell on it. I see how her betrayal has changed my life and our children’s lives, but by forgiving her I have left that anger and resentment behind. Forgiving her didn’t solve the problems her infidelity caused or how our lives have been impacted, but it helped change my perspective on how I deal with our new lives.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.