Depending on the research and studies cited, infidelity is one of the top reasons for couples divorcing and families being split. For those couples who decide to stay together, working through infidelity may be the most difficult thing they ever do. The shock, hurt, pain, sorrow, shame, and trauma infidelity cause leave wounds and scars that last for years and decades.

But what about children who are caught in the middle of marriages impacted by infidelity? How does infidelity affect children? Are children collateral damage — both amid infidelity, and long-term? Is there anything that can be done to help children in homes broken by infidelity?

Infidelity can come in many forms. Sometimes it is a one-time error while other times it is an established habitual behavior. In cases where infidelity is an isolated incident, parents may be able to work through the incident of betrayal and indiscretion and move forward positively. In cases where infidelity is an established pattern, it may be much more difficult to work toward reconciliation.

75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent

In most cases, infidelity causes great pain and sorrow. It can cause months or years of antagonism, loss of trust, and a contentious divorce. In these cases, children are much more likely to be negatively impacted as infidelity can create anguish, distrust, and hostility in families.

Using Children as “Confidantes”

Parents should avoid using their children as “confidantes.” While some discussion and sharing may be required, oversharing details of the affair and infidelity — or hurt feelings — with children can also harm children. When children find out about affairs on their own, they can feel betrayed by both parents for keeping secrets or not loving them enough to disclose the infidelity. This is where a balance must be struck between informing and oversharing with children.

Children, especially younger children, may lash out, withdraw, self-inflict harm, regress, or have significant mood swings. Shame, loss of trust, confusion, resentment, and ambivalence towards the betraying parent are common among children of unfaithful parents. These issues can manifest in children of all ages. Surprisingly, even adult children can experience great difficulty with their parent’s infidelity.

What are the Long-Term Effects of Infidelity on Children?

Children from homes negatively impacted by infidelity, more often than not, bear the scars of infidelity. The long-term effects of infidelity manifest themselves in future relationship behavior — both romantic and non-romantic relationships. These children bear the weight of their parent’s infidelity and the impact it will have on their future relationships and marriages. Recent research published in the Journal of Family Issues found that children whose parents were unfaithful were twice as likely to be unfaithful themselves.

According to clinical psychologist Ana Nogales, author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, growing up in a family with infidelity can have a long-lasting impact on children — especially in terms of how they approach their romantic relationships and their ability to trust future partners.

Nogales’ research found that:

1. 75% of children experience lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parent
2. 80% of children say that their parents’ infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships
3. 70% of children describe their parent’s infidelity as affecting their general trust in others.

Nogales’ research findings should be alarming and deeply concerning to parents and a clear warning of the serious damage infidelity can cause children. While the hurt and pain of infidelity are all too real, there are things adults can do to heal and mitigate the negative impacts on children.

How To Help Children Heal After Parental Infidelity

Parental infidelity and unfaithfulness bring feelings of hurt, pain, confusion, sorrow, sadness, anger, and resentment. These feelings can be equally felt by the betrayed parents and their children.

Parents whose children have been impacted by infidelity should watch for signs of increased anxiety, depression, anger, or behavioral issues in their children. Parents should seek professional help and assistance for their children through good child therapy. Child therapy allows children to openly express their feelings, process those feelings, understand those feelings, accept them, and begin to work through them in productive ways.

There are several ways parents can help their children through post-infidelity trauma:

1. Talk it out as age appropriate — parents should speak with their children about the infidelity. As age-appropriate, children should be informed of what happened and how their parents are working through their post-infidelity event. Their children’s feelings matter and they will be impacted by the infidelity.
2. Share enough but not too much — Most parents wonder how much they should or should not reveal to their children about their infidelity. Most experts agree that children need honesty but also should not be over-exposed to the details.
3. Make it a positive teaching experience — If the children see that their parents are working through their infidelity as a “mistake”, they can learn that their parents are willing and able to work through difficult mistakes, including infidelity.
4. The infidelity isn’t their fault — it’s the parent’s fault — Reassuring children negatively impacted by parental infidelity that they did nothing wrong and that their parents will work through the mistake is important.
5. Get professional help and counseling — Parents should consider getting professional therapy for their children to help them work through the trauma caused by parental infidelity. Infidelity is not something a parent desires to burden their children with, but when it happens, parents should acknowledge the impact it may have on their children.

Parents should never underestimate the impact infidelity can have on their children. Parental infidelity can cause most children to question everything that they thought was real or true about their family. This can bring on depression and anxiety. “Infidelity can have a detrimental psychological effect on kids and lead to a dysfunctional family, which can then disrupt their life and hamper their potential,” Tatyana Dyachenko, a sexual and relationship therapist stated.

80% of children say that their parents’ infidelity shapes their outlook on romance and relationships

In the study, “Family Background and Propensity to Engage in Infidelity,” children of parents who cheated were more likely to cheat as adults, too. Of children affected by infidelity, Dr. Frank Pittman stated that the children who have grown up the strongest are those who had the chance to “deal with parental infidelity openly, as an error or a character flaw, rather than normal activity or an appropriate solution to a marital problem.” The growing trend of parental infidelity may be one of the most negatively impacting trends in our nation. If left unaddressed, increasing generations of children will grow up with lingering feelings of betrayal toward their cheating parents, tainted outlooks on romance and relationships, and a loss of general trust in others.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey to recovery. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.