(This is a contributed article.)

Just a month or so before discovering my wife’s affair, we went on a family trip to Central California to spend spring break with our children. It was a place that we had been to many times before and we enjoyed the temperate climate and beautiful area. However, this time was different and very unsettling

We traveled by car from home to Central California. My wife was unusually distant and notably vindictive. While we traveled I kept my distance and slept in a separate bed. She had her bouts with depression and moodiness so it wasn’t something new, but it was less overt and more vicious.

Despite all of this, the family trip was an enjoyable one. I had learned from our long marriage to enjoy what I could and to ignore what I couldn’t understand or fix. For this I am grateful. I didn’t know then that it would be the last family vacation we would ever have together.

My wife’s constant nitpicking had increased. I didn’t know why but I learned shortly after that she was deep into her adultery and sorted affair. I guess her nitpicking of me helped her rationalize her betrayal and infidelity. Maybe criticizing me allowed her to view me as ‘something’ she could discard rather than ‘someone’ she had promised to love and stay committed to.

On our return home, we split the time across a few days and nights of travel and hotels. One night, as we were driving and searching for our hotel, my wife asked our children who their Hollywood crushes were. (It was an odd question from my perspective but not as odd as her follow-up to it was.) After our children answered her question, she added, “My Hollywood crushes are Hugh Jackman and Matthew McConaughey. They are so hot.” We all sat quiet and in shock for a few minutes at what she had said. Finally, our son responded to her, “Mom, you know that Dad is right next to you, right? Don’t you think this conversation is awkward?” She sheepishly, but defensively responded, “There’s nothing wrong with having a Hollywood crush.” My son then asked, “Dad, do you have a Hollywood crush?” I responded, “No, I don’t.” More awkward silence followed until my wife changed the topic and we finally arrived at our hotel.

I realized then that there was something wrong with my wife. Not so much that she had a Hollywood crush, but the fact that she unabashedly talked about such things around our children. I suspected she had crushes on Hollywood actors, but it was still ironic that she had them. Years earlier, we had both discussed how sad much of Hollywood was with propping up the actors to later find out that their lives, while extravagant and famous, were as messed up as the average Joe and Jane’s lives were. Personally, I had never had a Holywood crush because I knew that what I saw on the silver screen was an act or persona and not who the actor really was. The actor was acting and that was all. It was their ‘acting job’ and not who they really were. While I could have easily lived in a ‘Hollywood crush’ fantasy, I saw no value in it. Our children didn’t see any value in their mother having a Hollywood crush either.

What I Learned

The following month, was my wife’s ‘great reveal’. We learned then that my wife was not only unfaithful in her heart but also with her body. She had been sleeping with another married man. I don’t know what her journey’s descent was to get to that point, but it shocked us all. In the end, her adultery partner was no Hollywood crush. He was an average Joe. He was no more a Hugh Jackman or Matthew McConaughey than I was. So, while her affair served its purpose for living out a fantasy, she probably continues with her Hollywood crushes. Maybe someday she will reconcile her disconnect between reality and fantasy.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.