(This is a contributed article.)

Shortly after I found out that my wife had been unfaithful through an extramarital ‘exit affair,’ we discussed our efforts to mitigate the impact it would have on our children. I had seen firsthand how traumatic infidelity and divorce were growing up and I didn’t want our children to experience what I had experienced.

While I was in some unexpected state of shock over learning of my wife’s infidelity and obvious deception, I felt she would be reasonable and willing to work with me to do what was needed to help our children through this life-changing event. While she downplayed her infidelity, she acknowledged that she and her affair partner were both willing to ‘own’ their ‘emotional affair.’ With her acknowledgment, we agreed to work together to do what was best for our children. I proceeded with this agreement and understanding.

It soon became clear that she had no intention of putting our children first and ending our marriage in an honorable way. I realize now that I was quite ignorant and naive. That is on me. I believed her deception was restricted to her ‘secret affair’ and that because it had been discovered, she would no longer continue to lie and be deceptive. I took her at her word that she would honor our family and work to end our marriage civilly. How wrong I was.

I learned that her deception, and her affair partner’s deception, would continue through our divorce and beyond. Two divorces and years later, they still lie about the extent of their ‘sexual’ affair. They both lie about their marriages, infidelity, and ongoing deception.

My point in sharing my experience here is not to bad mouth my ex-wife. I have no love and little respect for her now, but I do not need to bad mouth her as she is still our children’s mother. However, she chose to betray our family by creating a life of deception, lies, blaming, and deflection. Even today, she continues to spiral into a cycle of self-betrayal and deception she created.

Based on my conversations with her at the time and since, I am convinced that she was swept up in being pursued by her affair partner and the thrill of the ‘forbidden.’ She felt she was willing to risk it all for her forbidden love. She said she knew the risks and was willing to accept the consequences. However, since her affair was revealed, she has run from the consequences of being a mistress, lying to her family, getting divorced, causing the divorce of her affair partner, abandoning her spirituality, etc. All of this seems to weigh on her, and is evident in her face and how she carries herself now. She was once a very happy and free soul. Not anymore.

The truth is affairs never really end. Sure, they end in real life because almost all are based on fantasy and delusion but they never die in the heart and mind of the betrayer. Their affair follows them in the form of guilt, shame, heartbreak, continued deception, memories, and the constant reminder of what they gave up for their affair. My hope here is that someone will read this and decide to avoid making the same mistake my ex-wife did.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed trust, love, and fidelity to your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.