What does it mean to ‘open up a marriage’ or to marry someone with an open marriage arrangement? How does open marriage work not only theoretically but in practice?

Wikipedia defines open marriage as “Open marriage is a form of non-monogamy in which the partners of a dyadic marriage agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual or romantic relationships, without this being regarded by them as infidelity, and consider or establish an open relationship despite the implied monogamy of marriage. There are variant forms of open marriage such as swinging and polyamory, each with the partners having varying levels of input into their spouse’s activities.”

There are, of course, variant forms of open marriage. With each variant, the partners have varying input on their spouse’s activities.

Wikipedia also gives some historical context for the genesis of open marriage: “The term open marriage originated in sociology and anthropology. Through the 1960s, researchers used “closed marriage” to indicate the practices of communities and cultures where individuals were intended to marry based upon social conventions and proscriptions, and open marriage where individuals had the ability to make their own choice of spouse.”

“Nena O’Neill and George O’Neill changed the meaning of the term with the 1972 publication of their book Open Marriage. The O’Neills describe open marriage as a relationship in which each partner has room for personal growth and can individually develop outside friendships, rather than focus obsessively on their couplehood and their family unit (being “closed”). Most of the book describes approaches to revitalizing marriage in areas of trust, role flexibility, communication, identity, and equality. Chapter 16, entitled “Love Without Jealousy”, devoted 20 pages to the proposition that an open marriage might possibly include some forms of sexuality with other partners. Fueled by frequent appearances of the O’Neills on television and in magazine articles, the redefinition entered popular consciousness, and open marriage became a synonym for sexually non-monogamous marriage.”

In “Open Marriage and Marital Adjustment” by Dale Wachowiak and Hannelore Bragg, they suggest the ideals of open marriage are:

• Here-and-now living combined with realistic expectations: There is a reduction of commitment to and sacrifice in the long-term goals.
• Personal privacy: A greater respect for personal privacy than in a traditional marriage.
• Open and honest communication: sharing, self-disclosure, and productive fighting.
• Role flexibility: open partners exhibit this considerably.
• Open companionship: avoiding traditional marriage assumptions of coupledness. This may involve the development of deep personal, sexual relationships with other members outside their marriage.
• Equality: equality of power as well as responsibility.
• Pursuit of identity: An individual’s uniqueness is valued, and differences are not seen as a threat.
• Mutual trust: an assumption that everything is out in the open and that one’s partner is not a possession that is guarded.

However, before ‘buying into’ the above, one must consider the ‘theory’ versus the actual ‘application’ of open marriage. Let’s review the above with an ‘open mind.’

The O’Neills describe open marriage as “a relationship in which each partner has room for personal growth and can individually develop outside friendships, rather than focus obsessively on their couplehood and their family unit (being “closed”). Most of the book describes approaches to revitalizing marriage in areas of trust, role flexibility, communication, identity, and equality.”

Let’s break this down by comparing ‘open marriage’ to ‘traditional marriage.’ Traditional marriage inherently allows for “…room for personal growth and can individually develop outside friendships.” Traditional marriage is inherently about working together to build each other up together and individually. However, it is the second part that seems quite negative and biased against traditional marriage where they suggest traditional marriage is “focus(ed) obsessively on their couplehood and their family unit (being “closed”).” While it is fair to suggest that traditional marriage does focus on being a strong “couple” and “family unit,” it isn’t necessarily fair to suggest it is “focus(ed) on obsessively” accomplishing them. Herein lies what appears to be inherent bias by the authors.

Regarding Dale Wachowiak and Hannelore Bragg’s suggested ideals of open marriage, there are some fundamental disconnects from these ideals and the actual results from ‘open marriage,’ namely the common issues and challenges open marriage spouses report, including:

1. Anxiety and fear — feelings of relationship anxiety or fear about whether their spouse is falling out of love with them and in love with one of their partners.
2. Jealousy — feelings of jealousy about the time and energy their spouse spends with their partners.
3. Competition — coping with secondary partners who want more out of the relationship.
4. Commitment — time management/partner commitment challenges.
5. STDs — concerns about their increased risk of sexually transmitted infections or diseases from their primary spouse’s extramarital sexual relationships.
6. Expenses — increased expenses for extramarital relationships and partners.
7. Half-hearted effort — concerns about the spouse’s ability to be present and committed to their primary (marital) spouse and whether or not they are fully invested in their marriage.

Theoretically, most couples who enter open marital relationships believe they can manage their emotions. However, theory often breaks down when in practice. Emotions can be complicated, unpredictable, and sometimes uncontrollable. Spouses and partners may develop emotions they were not expecting or anticipating. For example, spouses in open marriages may fall out of love with their spouse or even fall in love or develop romantic feelings for an extramarital partner. Or, one spouse may decide they are no longer willing to participate in an open marriage arrangement. When dealing with open marriage, there may be many emotional challenges unique to open marriages that spouses will face.

So, what are some possible explanations and motivations for open marriage? Why is it talked about so much but only a small fraction of marriages are open?

Psychological Preference

It may be psychological. The preference for a polyamorous versus a swinging style of open marriage may depend on many psychological factors. One factor may be sociosexuality, an individual’s willingness to engage in sexual behavior without having emotional ties to their sexual partner. Individuals who are willing to engage in sexual behavior without emotional ties are said to have unrestricted sociosexuality. Individuals who are unwilling to engage in sexual behavior without emotional ties are said to have restricted sociosexuality. Individuals can vary along a continuum from unrestricted to restricted sociosexuality.

What About the Children?

Not much is written or said about the impact open marriage has on children. Unfortunately, this seems to be a neglected area of research and study. Its impact on children should be a major focus and consideration for future research and studies.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

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