And the pain and sorrow it has left me

(This is a contributed article.)

There are milestone events in our lives. Events that shape and scar us. Events that build or break us. Events that trailblaze or derail us. One of those events in my life was my wife’s betrayal and infidelity.

After realizing how deep and damaging my wife’s infidelity was to our marriage and family, I filed for divorce. I did so with tremendous pain because I knew from many others how devastating infidelity-caused divorce is for families, especially children. I knew that the aftershock would fracture our relationships and lives. I just didn’t understand how severe or to what extent.

The discovery of my wife’s betrayal of our marriage and children came with a surprising amount of bitterness and revenge from her. She united with her affair partner to distort our marriage, slander, and defame me and our marriage. They then turned their anger toward me to disillusion, alienate, and turn my children against me.

It’s impossible to adequately document here everything they did, but it was a dark and destructive scheme that has inflicted great pain and suffering on me and my children. Eventually, some of my children succumbed to the relentless propaganda and manipulation. I’ve since learned that when children are hurt while weathering the ‘infidelity-caused divorce’ storm, they seek refuge where they can.

After realizing how damaging the war waged by my wife and her affair partner was, I moved out of our family home. This unfortunately gave my wife more time with our children to sow the seeds of manipulation, contention, and doubt with our children. She was determined to blame me for her betrayal and infidelity.

After about two years of this and the drawn out conclusion of our divorce, process, my relationship with some of my children was sorely impacted. One of our children reached out to me by text messaging sharing their distorted understanding of things. What follows is the text message that I sent in response:

[My child’s name omitted], I had a moment to read and think about your text. Admittedly, this conversation would best be done as a face-to-face conversation, but I assume if you wanted to talk you would have called or asked to meet and talk it through rather than send it as a text message. So, we will use text for now but I am happy to talk if you would like to.

Let me first say, I realize how hard infidelity-caused divorce is, or divorce in any manner. Your mom and [her affair partner’s name] adultery tore two families apart. As you know, I was willing to work through her infidelity to keep the family intact because I knew all-to-well the devastating impact infidelity has on families. My dad was unfaithful, your Aunt [name withheld] was unfaithful, etc. We had too many examples to not understand how damaging marital infidelity is to children.

I worked during the divorce to have a shared 50/50 time split with you. [Your mom] fought against allowing me to have 50/50 time with you but the mediator knew it was best for you to be raised by both parents. I wanted to and have tried to be part of your life. I don’t claim to have handled everything perfectly. But I honestly have tried. My life was turned upside down, just like yours was. Nothing has been easy.

Irrefutably, there is a difference in how some of my children treat me versus their mother and [her affair partner (name omitted)] — a difference that feels very inequitable. Family and friends have noted this to me many times. It has been very hurtful for me — and for [my new wife (name omitted)] since we married. With time, I’ve accepted it and am moving forward, though having things as they currently are with some of my children is certainly not what I want them to be.

I appreciate you bringing your concern to me and your sentiment of not wanting to have me miss out on [your sibling’s (name omitted)] or your special events. However, the truth is, that I already have been and will likely continue to be excluded from your special events. I wasn’t invited to your [year redacted] birthday, [special life event redacted], [special life event redacted], [special life event redacted], etc. Whether that was your decision, your mom’s decision, or both of your decisions, I was intentionally excluded.

You’ve been invited to many of my special events but have never shown up to one event. However, more important than these missed special events, is the fact we have missed out on the day-to-day lives and experiences as father and [child] because of these choices. I know very little about the last year or so of your life — a fact that saddens me deeply. I have wanted to be included, but you’ve taken control over when and how I’m involved in your life.

After I moved out of our home in October [year omitted] and you stayed with your mom, you cut off all communication with me for about three months. Part of this was, I’m sure, a result of deep hurt and confusion regarding the split of the family and everything going on. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you. Part of it was your mom’s influence, whether you recognize it or not. She had been working on alienating you and your siblings from me since her affair came out — a behavior typical of individuals caught in adultery. Still, I was surprised you cut off all communication. You didn’t answer my calls or respond to me.

Following the three months, you decided you were willing to resume communication with me but were different and withdrawn from that point on. You did not explain. This lasted until late October [year omitted], when you came over and shared what seemed to be misplaced anger and resentment towards me as a follow-up to the text you had sent days earlier. In our conversation, I defended myself with facts, believing that if I presented facts and reason, you could see things through another lens, but you left angry saying you didn’t care about the facts. You then cut off all communication with me until the summer of [year omitted], giving no explanation. Since then, your communication with me has been infrequent and sporadic. I’ve texted you nearly every day, trying not to push you but hoping you would know that I still wanted contact — that I still wanted a relationship.

I bring up what I have for needed context. This is not a normal father and [child] relationship. Whether it’s by your choice or your mother’s influence or both, I have been excluded from most of your recent life. This is not how a normal and healthy parent-[child] relationship works. So, missing out on each other’s special events is the least of our worries. I want it to be different. I pray for it to be different.

You are my [child], [name redacted] — I love you deeply and I want you to be happy. I also want a close, healthy relationship with you. What we have currently is neither. I acknowledge the difficulty you and your siblings have gone through since your mom’s affair came out. I am so sorry for how it has impacted each of you. I wish I could have protected you from it, but this wasn’t possible. We were all affected in ways that will impact us for the rest of our lives. I believe strongly that there is hope and healing for each of us. I have hope for the future.

Again, I am willing to discuss this text with you and meet with you. I am also willing to meet with [your siblings] and discuss. I sincerely hope we can build a better relationship going forward. Love you, Dad

*****

As I look back over my wife’s affair and her manipulation of our children, I can’t help but feel blindsided and ignorant. Something in my wife’s betrayal and being caught made her so bitter and angry that she chose to manipulate, align, and alienate our children instead of loving them and being honest with them. It has cost all of us a lot of pain and discontentment.

Our family will never be the same. While I have great hope that our children will be healed from being manipulated, I suspect it may be years or even decades before they see it for what it is and work through it. I lost my wife a long time ago to her infidelity and betrayal. I do not regret losing her, but I do regret losing my children. They are innocent and deserve better. They shouldn’t be caught in the middle of her infidelity and revenge.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed trust, love, and fidelity to your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

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The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.