But Sometimes I Have To

(This is a contributed article.)

I didn’t expect this, but I am not sure that anyone who goes through an infidelity-caused divorce ever does. Since I filed for divorce, getting divorced, and remarrying, I find myself in the delicate position of balancing what I say, how I say it, and when I should say it. My wife was serially unfaithful in our marriage and our divorce was nothing short of a bloody, carnage-ridden war.

I learned a lot about who I am and my character during the decline of my marriage and divorce. I learned that I was hurt and when you react to an unfaithful, vicious, and vindictive spouse out of pain, sometimes the lines blur between who is really the culprit. I have some regrets to be sure. However, in retrospect, I did exercise great patience and willingness to ignore the flagrant attacks by my wife about my character and how she manipulated our children through deception and blame-shifting to look like a victim.

In sharing all of this, I have since realized that I survived a bitter divorce war. I am now part of the not-so-coveted infidelity-caused divorce survivors’ club. However, I do not want to dwell on this. It is what it is. I do want to focus on the fallout and aftermath though.

While married and even while going through our divorce, I didn’t anticipate that in normal conversations I would need to choose my words wisely about my former marriage, spouse, and family. I know most people intend well but some make comments, ask questions, etc. leading to awkward moments where I either say nothing or give just enough context to avoid it being too uncomfortable.

Probably only those who have gone through similar experiences can relate to this fully. Whether I am at work, community events, sporting activities, church, shopping, or some other event, I often find myself needing to use one or more of the following words or phrases:

1. In my first marriage…
2. My next marriage…
3. My ex-wife…
4. My ex-wife had an affair that led to our divorce…
5. My ex-wife’s affair partner…
6. My ex-wife betrayed me and our family…
7. My ex-wife married her adultery partner…
8. My ex-wife was another married man’s mistress…
9. I divorced my wife because I didn’t trust her anymore…
10. My ex-wife’s affair caused two divorces and split our family up…
11. Sometimes you can’t fix what you broke…
12. I don’t trust people as much as I once did…
13. I couldn’t work past my wife’s infidelity and her breaking my trust in her…
14. My next (or second) wife…
15. My children from my first marriage…
16. My children from my second marriage…
17. My children and stepchildren…

Many might see the above words and phrases and think they aren’t difficult to say. But sometimes, not always, they are because they naturally expose one to more inquiries and topics. If I don’t respond, they may assume the worst, wonder why I am defending my ex-wife, or why I don’t want to talk about it more. The truth is, I’ve never been too concerned about what people think about me. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be liked just like everyone else but I don’t want to expend the time or energy to impress or gain favor with people. They will either like me for who I am or they won’t. It is up to them.

My dilemma is more about how transparent I need to be and to what point when these situations happen. Do I dance around the topic, tackle it head-on, brush it off, or simply not respond? Each approach has its benefits and disadvantages. I don’t owe my ex-wife a lot but I don’t necessarily want to throw her ‘under the bus’ as they say. She has thrown me under the bus of course, but that is her choice and is disrespectful to me and our children. I prefer to move on but also not have to lie about or discount what happened to force our divorce and the ugly aftermath that followed. It is a difficult balancing act.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed trust, love, and fidelity in your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

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The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.