(This is a contributed article.)

My parents’ marriage was a classic mismatch of personalities, but it didn’t start that way. They met and fell in love while attending the same university. They shared their dreams and aspirations and formed a love that set them apart. They had shared interests and goals at the time.

After decades of marriage, they had allowed a continental divide to build between them and their marriage. My father chose the easy path, gaslighting and blaming my mother for their ‘bad marriage.’ My mother was a hard personality to deal with for sure, but part of that was due to a tough marriage and my father’s gaslighting and blaming. I’m not giving her a ‘free pass’ for being a hard personality, just acknowledging that my father further complicated things by not communicating, gaslighting, and blaming her when he should have simply opened up, apologized, told her he loved her, and lovingly held her tight.

Instead, my father grew more bitter and distant from my mother and our family. He started to travel more for his work. He missed family events, including the birth of my second-born child. A year later, we learned that his travel was a ruse to spend more time with his married affair partner. He gave up on my mother, their marriage, and our family.

My mother didn’t even consider staying in their marriage once she found out about my father’s adultery. She had weathered many marital storms but she wasn’t interested in weathering infidelity. Even after 30 years of marriage. Even though he did everything he could to avoid a divorce, he gave her no reason to be hopeful he would change or ever be faithful again.

From that point on, my father did everything he could to punish my mother and to bribe, pressure, and guilt us to take his side. He told us how difficult our mother was and how his affair wasn’t an affair — he was only helping a much younger woman out. He argued that he helped her financially because she needed support.

After a few years of this behavior, I cut off my relationship with my father. He was toxic and destructive at that point.

My parents’ divorce went on for years. They were both preoccupied with proving their victimhood. Each struggled with the other getting time with their children and were afraid we would side with the other. It was sad and what I imagine living in h*ll would be like.

Nearly 20 Father’s Days came and went after I cut off communication with my father. My father refused to apologize or make amends. He showed little remorse and took no steps to make restitution. However, as he aged and his health declined, he eventually started to make some much-needed progress towards reconciliation.

The Invaluable Role as Father

Father’s Day should be filled with good memories, reverence, and respect for fathers and their positive impact on their families. Being a father is a critical role in the lives of children. Live up to that honorable responsibility. Choose your family over infidelity. Even if your marriage is bad or hard, choose your children over infidelity. Don’t choose a life of regret and loss. Your children deserve better.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.