I am not sure they will ever not be funny to me

(This article was obtained through interviews.)

It was finally over. After nearly 20 years, my marriage was finally over. I had just signed the divorce papers and the dirty deed was done. Dead and done. It was over just like that.

Less than a year earlier, I thought our marriage was recovering. My husband and I were going to marriage counseling together and while it was a slow process, it seemed to be helping us recognize our faults and how to approach being better spouses and rebuilding our marriage. At least it seemed to be for me. I had my homework to work on and it was enough to keep me busy. My husband, on the other hand, had finally given up his marriage-long pornography addiction. I was hoping and praying his pornography addiction was gone for good this time.

He was still different, not the way he was before he got so deep into pornography. He was still gaslighting me, blaming me for everything, but not as much. He would catch himself gaslighting, blaming, and excusing his behavior. Was it guilt? Was he finally recognizing his bad behavior and how his pornography addiction was hurtful and damaging to our marriage?

He told me he loved me but his words were of no comfort and not at all convincing. He didn’t light up when talking of our love, marriage, or family anymore. Not even a flicker of light. He seemed to be saying it to placate me. I was the one who insisted he get help for his pornography addiction and even now he still seemed resentful about it. Not embarrassed, just resentful. I didn’t do it to embarrass or shame him, I did it to help our marriage. No, if I think about it, that’s not true. I did it to save our marriage. I did it because his pornography addiction was demeaning and demoralizing to me and our marriage. And if I am, truly honest about it, he would have never been as patient with me about pornography addiction if our roles were reversed.

He didn’t see it, but I did. He grew more reclusive and insecure the longer he pursued his addiction. He was at odds with himself but slowly succumbing to the addiction and the numbing it eventually had on him and his emotional intelligence. As his addiction increased, so did his need for a ‘darker’ and ‘loveless’ pornography. His pornography was not an escape to find love or more affection, it was an escape for fantasy sex and dominance. Not real love, just bad acting, cheesy lines, and the unrealistic use of ‘surgically-altered’ and ‘augmented’ bodies, ‘scripted and staged’ as emotionless animals driven only by their biological need for sex, not love, commitment, or respect.

I was hopeful he could walk away from it and leave it out of our marriage and bedroom for good. I was wrong, or at the very least never know. He gave up on our marriage and family before either of us could ever find out.

Rather than do what he needed to do to be the husband and father he should be, he started an affair with a married woman he met in a local sports league. His sexual drive and fantasy needs were more important than me, our marriage, and our children.

I found out too late. How can you help someone who isn’t willing to help themself? When your spouse gives up, you can’t pick them up and carry on for them. Even when you desperately want to. They have chosen a different life than they should have built with you.

I sometimes look back and find myself laughing at my ex-husband and his mistress. Marriage is fundamentally built on trust, not sex. They cheated on their spouses but somehow believed that together they would be faithful to each other. Their fetish lust is not love or trust — it is a ‘fantasy’ disguised as love and trust. I can only imagine how empty they will feel when they finally recognize what they both gave up to get each other.

Looking Back with a Better Perspective

As time often sheds light and clarity, I now look back with greater perspective. During our divorce process, I was able to secure ‘private affair’ communication between my husband and his married mistress. I understood how he viewed me, our marriage, and our children through it. It was nothing short of shocking and disturbing. From his perspective, he was a perfect husband and father. I was the problem and the reason for his unhappiness. His pornography addiction was necessary for him to ‘deal’ with me, his demanding and ungrateful wife. I learned through their private chats that his mistress believed everything he told her about me, his difficult marriage, his over-the-top efforts to be the perfect husband and father, and his undying commitment to make our marriage work. She didn’t question his character, motives, or intent.

A year after our divorce, my ex-husband married his mistress. (Ironically, he tried to return to ‘work our marriage out’ but our divorce was final as well as my love for him.) Their ‘happily ever after (the affair)’ marriage makes me laugh sadly. He lied to her and she didn’t even question his behavior, motives, character, or lack of integrity. (Sneaking around and sleeping with another woman while being married is dishonest and an act of betrayal.)

I am LM*O because they lied to each other. They deceived each other. And now they are married. They both wanted to escape their ‘unhappy’ marriages and they did. Now they only have each other. Hopefully, his mistress wife can deal with his pornography addiction, gaslighting, excuses, and blaming others better than I did.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.