Introducing the ‘I love you’ words into a marriage and an affair

(This is a contributed article.)

I grew up with respect for the phrase, ‘I love you.’ I knew my parents had once loved each other, but they had both sabotaged their marriage through selfishness, resentment, and bitterness. They told us they loved each other but it was apparent they didn’t know how to work together and build beyond their ‘college-age’ love level when they met each other.

While I dated more than the average teenager, I was cautious about ‘falling in love’ or telling the girls I dated that I loved them. I knew I was still young and inexperienced with love so it wasn’t a word I used carelessly. Dating in high school was fun but we were too young to know what love was.

When I met my wife in college, I felt I had dated enough to approach dating more seriously. Even then, though, I was not in any hurry to marry. Around this time, I could see that my parent’s marriage would soon end and it wasn’t something I was looking forward to. I didn’t want to fall in love, marry, have a family, and divorce. Marriage for me meant the ultimate sacrifice and lifetime commitment. I would marry someone who I could help be happy and who could help me be happy. We would be committed to each other, our marriage, and our children above everything else. We’d ride the smooth and rough parts of marriage together. We’d mourn together. We’d celebrate together. We’d grow stronger together. We’d grow old together. We’d fall in love over and over again. And we’d eventually die at each other’s side.

Halfway through college, I was set up on a blind date by an old friend. At first, I didn’t think it would go anywhere but as we continued to date, we both realized we were like ‘soulmates’ renewing what we felt was a friendship that existed before we ever met. It didn’t make sense but that is how it felt. I finally felt like I could confidently say, ‘I love you.’ I eventually told her that I loved her and she told me she loved me. We soon married and started our lives together.

About 11 years into our marriage, things had crept in for her. She was quick to take her frustration out on me. She increasingly nitpicked me and smiled less. It became clear that she was not as fulfilled by me, our marriage, and having children. Something had changed within her. She had somehow gone from being content and fulfilled as a wife and mother to becoming dissatisfied and unfulfilled. I was dumbfounded and confused. While neither of us had great parental models for marriage, we knew what we wanted and had sacrificed to achieve a great marriage, it seemed to be slipping away. Out of fear, I leaned in more to shoulder some of her responsibilities so she could have more time to pursue her increasing spiritual and career interests.

This went on for many years until she decided to seek happiness elsewhere. I eventually learned that she had been involved with another man. A man, who like my wife, had grown tired and discontented with his spouse, children, and life. I couldn’t believe it. Words can’t describe the shock and pain learning of her affair caused me or our children. It was as if her ‘I love you’ meant nothing to her.

I asked her, ‘Do you still love me?’ hoping to determine if it was too late or if I could still save our marriage and family. She responded, ‘Yes, I still love you.” Shocked but hopeful I asked, ‘Do you love [your affair partner]? She responded, ‘Yes, I love him too.’

I wish I could describe the disgust and nauseous feeling I felt hearing her responses. She still loved me but also loved her affair partner. How twisted and demented was that? She loved us both. We had been married for more than 20 years and she was now in love with another married man. All that we had worked for, sacrificed, enjoyed, etc. was undone.

It didn’t take me long to conclude she was beyond any form of remorse or shame. She didn’t seem to care how loving me and her married affair partner meant the end of our marriage. I didn’t have room to love her partially. I was ‘all in or nothing.’ She had a fractured heart — which meant she could still have love for me and somehow enough room for her affair partner too.

I had loved her through the good and bad. I had sacrificed with her for our marriage and our family. I had dreamed with her. I had cried with her. None of this mattered now. I only wish she wouldn’t have told me she still loved me.

There was no room in our marriage for a third-party, intruder’s love. She could have an open marriage with someone else. I had married faithful to my commitment to a monogamous marriage, and I would divorce faithfully with that in my resolve. I filed for divorce and have been rebuilding my life and family since then.

For me, marriage ‘love’ is the ultimate love. It is not shared beyond my spouse. Love for one’s spouse isn’t a halfhearted effort or commitment. Loving one’s spouse in marriage is a great sacrifice and reward. You sacrifice yourself and selfish interests to be wholeheartedly committed to your spouse to find your reward is they have reciprocated in kind.

It wasn’t difficult to end my marriage after her affair. She was long gone and the divorce process was the last hurdle. I eventually found someone who shares my commitment to love, marriage, and family. We married and are living the ‘I love you’ dream and commitment.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed trust, love, and fidelity in your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

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The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.