How wrong he was!

(This is a contributed article obtained through interviews.)

My husband was done with our marriage, I just couldn’t read the tea leaves well enough to know he was. We had been married for about 18 years with three children, which was more than he wanted or could handle. He was frustrated with me and showed it by blaming me for anything and everything all at once.

We went to marriage counseling but he only came away feeling like our therapist was ‘crazy’ and that he didn’t have any ownership in his behavior or treatment of me. It was always my fault. When we drove home from our marriage counseling, he would launch into a gaslighting and blaming routine. He’d tell me he didn’t want to be married to me any longer.

Eventually, I found out that he was having an affair. He had already left our marriage mentally and emotionally. He checked out with no plans to return to our marriage. I may have never learned about his affair had I not had the forethought to check his phone one night while he was sleeping. (Oddly enough, while he had checked out of our marriage mentally and emotionally, he didn’t mind still instigating having sex with me while he was having his affair. He truly loved his mistress enough to still want to have sex with me. Ugh!) I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised about his infidelity but I was. I had hoped against hope that he wasn’t cheating or into pornography again. I was wrong on both fronts.

I gathered all the evidence I could and then decided to confront him with it, but he denied it. He lied and lied. Surprise! However, he conceded on the issue. (I learned that even the boldest of liars will run out of lies and excuses if you press them long enough.) However, in the process, he conveniently threw me and his affair partner under the bus. The affair wasn’t his fault. (Everyone knows that men are always the victims of affairs! They mind their own business and then somehow find themselves being coerced into having an affair. My heart was bleeding for my husband’s plight as a victim. It’s so unfair!)

His affair had nothing to do with him or his decisions. He was upset that I didn’t show enough empathy for his plight. That’s when everything hit the proverbial fan. He launched into a tirade about how I was the worst wife and mother ever. He had to deal with my ‘emotions and needs’ but through it all, he was still the best husband and father. This was just what I needed to hear from my husband and the father of our children. He went on and on though. He eventually got to the part where he told me I was an ‘ungrateful, undesirable, and broken wife’ and that I’d be ‘lucky to remarry.’

He made it his goal to make our divorce as difficult as he could. He was still sleeping with his mistress so he wasn’t in any hurry to divorce. Our divorce took longer than expected but it finally came. For me, it was a difficult and emotional process to bury our marriage in such an undignified manner but I did because it was already dead. My ex-husband continues to blame me for his decisions and infidelity. I am surprised by how many people side with betrayers. It is as if they want to believe that there is always justification for infidelity and betrayal. I only wish they knew the truth or at least had to sit down with our children and try to explain how they can support a cheater and liar.

While it has been hard starting over, there has been a silver lining or two along the way. I met a great man and remarried before my ex-husband did. My ex-husband eventually married his mistress. It turns out, he had far fewer dating and marriage options as an adulterer and cheater than he thought. He only married his mistress because she was fine with marrying an adulterer.

My second marriage is good and my children love their step-father. I wake up grateful every day for a husband who treats me with love and respect. Oh, yeah, he doesn’t blame me for everything or think I am ‘ungrateful, undesirable, and broken’ either!

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.