(This is a contributed article.)

When I found out my wife had been unfaithful once again, the remaining love and respect I had for her immediately disappeared. Vanished. Gone.

Sure, I went through the motions of wanting to work things out but my heart wasn’t in it. The more I talked with my wife about her affair and infidelity, the more I couldn’t ever see myself wanting to be with her. I felt sick and nauseous around her. Her behavior disgusted me.

My wife claimed that she and her affair partner were in love. She reflected on her affair with such nostalgia that I wondered if she were stuck in a fantasy. She seemed lost in herself and her affair. It seemed to me that she was fighting to come back from her adultery fantasy to reality.

Since my wife’s infidelity, I’ve spoken with many other men and women who lost their marriage to infidelity. In a general way, there were some common themes in our questions and concerns about our cheating spouses. None of us could solve the riddle of their affair. What we had were a few questions that remained unanswered:

1. How was my spouse okay with still being intimate with me while having sex with their affair partner who they supposedly loved more than me?
2. How could my spouse reconcile their love and unfaithfulness to their affair partner?
3. How could my spouse risk exposing me to STDs?

Our spouses’ affair experiences baffled us. We tried to understand how if our spouse was in love with their affair partner they could continue to be intimate with their spouse during their affair. They had a strange way of showing their love and commitment to each other by still sleeping with their spouses while having an affair. How could they look into each other’s eyes without shame and embarrassment at their hypocrisy, betrayal, and unfaithfulness? Is it any wonder why adulterers struggle to transition from adultery to a legitimate committed relationship?

It seems most affair partners are in their affairs for selfish reasons. Since most affair partners don’t end up marrying their affair partner, what do they have to gain that exceeds what they have to lose? They risk gambling their marriage away for a temporary affair. In that gambling process, they betray themselves by pretending to be in love with their affair partner while still sleeping with their spouse.

I still can’t decipher the infidelity riddle. It makes little sense to me.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.