How sad it is and yet telling of our times

(This is a contributed article.)

I happen to have a former ‘best friend’ who cheated in her marriage with children. Her affair not only cost her her marriage but the marriage of her affair partner too. It also cost her our lifelong friendship. She was no longer a friend I recognized or trusted. She had made bad decisions leading up to, during, and following her affair.

When I learned of her affair, it took some time for me to decide how to respond to her as my best friend while also respecting her family and the future of her children. I first tried to understand how she could throw away her marriage and family, how I might have been a better friend, and if I could reason with her to try to save her marriage and family. No matter how I approached her affair, she lied, excused, and deflected. She didn’t care about how her affair would cause her divorce and the forced split of her family and children. After what seemed to be a fruitless endeavor, I decided I couldn’t stand by her side and support her in her extramarital affair and the devastating impact it would have on her children.

I came from a place of infidelity-caused heartache. Growing up, one of my parents had an affair that was as ugly as it was shocking and life-changing. Unfortunately, that wasn’t all. I had other friends and relatives who had affairs as well. Many regretted their infidelity and tried to make things right. Some even worked at making restitution and reparation for their betrayal and selfishness. However, others went on after their affairs and divorces as if nothing had happened. They didn’t care or want to acknowledge the damage done. They moved on in defiance while their children languished with the pain of a family split by betrayal, infidelity, and divorce. Their defiance was a sign of their inward selfishness.

I occasionally run into my former friend and it is understandably awkward. She’s had a total makeover. She changed her hair, makeup, dress, and interests. She even gave up her spiritual faith. She seems preoccupied with her appearance and less so with the content of her character. She gave up character substance for shallow fashion and Botox. She looks and acts fake — like a cheap knockoff of her old self.

The few times we have run into each other since I took a stand against her infidelity and family betrayal, our conversations and exchanges have been ‘cordial’ but unfortunately disingenuous. I say very little to her to avoid her feeling judged as I imagine if she is to feel that way, it shouldn’t come from me. I only feel sad for her, not judgemental. Yes, I disagree with her infidelity and its impact on her children, but it isn’t a personal judgement as much as it is a judgement based on how infidelity damages those who choose it and those who are impacted by its betrayal.

She ended up remarrying but from what I have heard through the rumor mill, it is exhausting for her to live the life and lies she lives. Her children struggle with not only her infidelity but with their new ‘makeover’ mom. She is not the same mother they once trusted and admired. She gave up a lot to have her affair. She hurt two marriages. I lost her as a dear friend, but her children lost her as a trusted and respected mother.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.