Remembering a day of sorrow and mixed emotions.

(This is a contributed article.)

This is a week of mixed emotions for me and my children. It’s a month of deep sorrow and ironic celebration. It’s a week I only observe because of its tragic loss and meaning. I hope to forget about it eventually but I realize that will only ever come in time.

A few years ago this week, my husband left me and our children for his affair partner. I remember the day well since it was his birthday. Just months before he abandoned us for his scandalous mistress, I caught him in his (most likely latest) extramarital affair. I learned that he had graduated from his porn addiction to sexual extramarital affairs.

However, he said it wasn’t his fault. He insisted that his mistress was the one who had been the ‘aggressor’ in their relationship and affair. She wore the pants in their affair from his perspective and he was an unfortunate victim of her aggression. (Yep, I found it laughable too!)

Within twenty-four hours of the discovery of their affair, he went from wanting to work our marriage out to telling me he was going to leave me, divorce me, and then marry his harlequin mistress. I was in shock and confusion by how quickly our marriage was unraveling and coming to an end. It felt surreal and tragic at the same time.

For the next few months, he stayed with us but moved into the basement of our home. My husband would waffle back and forth on whether he wanted to work our marriage out or pursue a divorce and marry his desperate mistress. He played both options to see which option offered him a better outcome. His mistress was married so her divorce would take some time which he took full advantage of.

I told my husband there was only room in our marriage for the two of us, no mistresses were welcome or allowed. He eventually relented and began what I could only describe now as the “sulky behavior of someone caught” and denied getting their cake and eating it too. He must have gotten used to the idea of being able to have sex with me while also having sex with his mistress and adultery partner. His attitude and behavior disgusted me beyond words. (For the life of me, I can’t understand why someone would want to be a mistress and knowingly sleep with a man who is getting it on in two different beds with his wife in one and his mistress in another. (Also, how do cheaters even trust their cheating partner anyway?!) Maybe she had no self-esteem or didn’t mind sharing a man It didn’t matter. I was repulsed by the idea of sharing my husband and my bed with his mistress knowing that she may have had other affair partners.

My husband tried to re-engage with me sexually. It became clear to me that he thought if he could get me back in bed somehow I would forget his infidelity and betrayal. (He always had grandiose ideas of his bedroom and sexual skills but that’s all they were. He didn’t.) While I was willing to forgive him, sleeping with him was the last thing on my mind until we sorted out his affair and commitment to our marriage and family. Thinking of being intimate with him again just made me want to vomit seven ways to Sunday.

After a few weeks, he told me he had cut off all ties and communication with his mistress. He seemed to have little regard for her and the situation he helped put her and her family in. Her husband had already filed for divorce, she was left with only one option — pursuing and marrying my husband. My husband, his mistress’ knight in shining armor had abandoned his damsel in distress. Worse yet, he didn’t seem committed to me or our children either. Based on our conversations his motivation was, in great part, to avoid the financial implications of divorce. He hoped to avoid a divorce, paying alimony, and child support. (He was still thinking with his p*nis and wallet.) It made sense but also didn’t. He didn’t seem to want to work our marriage out but he also didn’t want to divorce, pay alimony, and child support.

During this time, my husband tried to use our children as pawns in his game of deception and manipulation. He openly played the victim card with them. He told them he didn’t want to divorce — and that getting divorced was my idea. He told them that what he had done and continued to do (i.e., his extramarital affair) wasn’t bad or wrong. He justified his adultery, deception, disrespect, and betrayal of our marriage and his affair partner’s marriage to our children.

I held firm and I didn’t cave into my husband’s deception and manipulation efforts. I told him he had to show me that he was sincere in his desire to recommit to our marriage, children, and our future. I told him it was up to him how things would proceed or end. Not surprisingly, he put forth little effort and only made excuses, gaslighted, lied, and blamed me for our bad marriage and his infidelity.

A few weeks later on my husband’s birthday, he announced he was moving out because he needed ‘some space to think about our marriage.’ (Within hours I learned he had made other plans with his mistress.) After he left us, I tracked his phone’s location. (We had a family phone plan and shared our locations.) He immediately went to see his mistress at her sister’s home. Her sister supported their adultery and opened up her home to their ongoing affair. (I wasn’t too surprised having learned from my husband that her sister had several affairs that ended her marriage too.) They later went to a hotel. That is how I knew my marriage was truly over.

I could go on and on but I won’t. From what I have heard from other women who’ve had cheating husbands leave them, I have a clearer picture of why. (Many women only get part of the story or a long list of excuses from their husbands.) You see, I was able to access my husband’s secret Facebook messages with his mistress. Thousands of messages back and forth. I even got call and text logs from their secret phone and photos of their escapades. (Thanks to a good attorney and even better private investigator.)

After reading their messages and communication, I realized that my husband had created an affair with his mistress based on lies and false narratives of our marriage, children, and life together. He built himself up to his mistress while disparaging and tearing me and our children down. If there was any chance of me ever regretting him leaving us, it was gone after reading his communication with her. I knew then we would be better off without him.

I’ve intentionally said very little about our children here. I can only say that their father’s affair has been very tough on them. (They’ve each undergone professional counseling.) He did eventually marry his mistress and their marriage has further complicated our children’s relationship with him. My Ex-husband and his new (mistress) wife seem to be struggling with their transition from affair, divorce, and then marriage — even as newlyweds.

In retrospect, I am not sure he thought things through about his infidelity and leaving us. He left me and our children on his birthday which means for the rest of their lives, when his birthday comes along, they will be reminded that he left us for his mistress. How detrimental and traumatizing is that to our children?!

I remarried and am working through the final stages of betrayal trauma from my first marriage. I will continue to do everything I can to help myself and our children work through the healing process.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

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The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.