(This is a contributed article.)

My wife’s first affair was with a man from our church. She denied and denied her affair until other women — and their husbands — stepped forward about her and her affair partner’s behavior. My wife eventually acquiesced and admitted her behavior was inappropriate, but maintained it wasn’t a sexual affair.

At this point, we had been married for almost 15 years with a few children. I wasn’t interested in divorce. My parents had divorced and it had torn our family apart and left scars. I didn’t want this for my children.

I decided not to divorce my wife and forgive her. I explained her infidelity away as a ‘bad episode’ and one that she had learned her lesson from. For the next 10 years, I struggled at times with the knowledge of her cheating and never coming clean with me. She maintained she hadn’t had a sexual affair but it didn’t feel right. Even if she hadn’t had a sexual affair, an emotional affair is just as damaging. An emotional affair meant she had made room in her heart, mind, and soul for another man. She had an affair with a man who was a womanizer and a ‘player.’ Worst of all, how do you compete with an emotional affair? My wife had imagined in her heart that he was her new love. If they hadn’t been intimate, she most likely fantasized about him intimately.

I reasoned she couldn’t be fully trusted because she hadn’t come clean. She wasn’t ashamed of what she did. She argued that it wasn’t an inappropriate relationship. But it was a secretive and improper relationship. Deep down in my soul, I struggled with trusting her again. I went on pretending I trusted her but I never did fully. It might have been different had she apologized and confessed but she never did.

Oddly enough, I caught my wife cheating again about ten years later. Whether it was her second or fifth affair, I’ll never know. I only knew that it was a sexual affair with a married man. To make things worse, she had decided to have an affair with a man in our church. Again! (He was in a different state and church than her first affair partner.) This time I half-heartedly committed to working through her repeated infidelity — but only if she would go to marriage counseling.

She committed to going to therapy but only by herself. It was clear she wasn’t willing to commit to our marriage. That was when I realized I didn’t need to fight for a marriage that was decapitated by infidelity.

While my now ex-wife will never admit it, I think she never forgave herself for her first affair and betrayal. My guess is she recognized that if she could never forgive herself and confess what she did, how could she ever expect that I could? I assume she lived with self-doubt and a guilty conscience for those 10 years while I was wrestling with my doubts about her faithfulness and whether I could ever fully trust her again.

I could never live in a marriage like that again. Trust is too important to me. It’s important to be able to trust your spouse and for children to know their parents honor and respect each other.

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

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The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.