(This is a contributed article obtained through an interview.)

I was in my early twenties when I learned of my mother’s adultery. The news shocked me and was crushing. It changed my life, perspective, and outlook about many things.

Up to that point, my family was close. My parents were all about family. Time together was a priority. We went to church regularly and my parents raised us with good morals and ethics. While I didn’t always agree with my parents — especially as a teenager, I knew they loved me and were trying to mentor me. It was impossible to deny their love for us and commitment to the principles they taught us while growing up.

Some of the most impactful principles and standards they taught us were:

• Honesty — Being honest will give us confidence and a clear conscience. Lies and deception are detrimental to our self-worth.
• Integrity — Live a life full of integrity allowing others to trust us. Our word should be as good as our bond.
• Responsibility — Don’t blame others for your mistakes or failures. Expect the same of others.
• Accountability — Own what you think, say, and do. Expect the same of others.
• Commitment — Know what you are committing to and then commit. Your commitment is a measure of your character.
• Grit — Life can be hard so learn from the hard parts of life. Dig in and show your grit.
• Family — Family is everything. Be the strongest link in the family chain.
• Faith — Believe in God, yourself, and others. Life has a purpose. There is good in people and the world. Be the good the world needs.

These principles and standards were integral to being good and living a good life. They would help us leave an honorable legacy for our family and children.

These principles led me to believe my mom could never cheat and betray my father and our family. Her betrayal and adultery went against everything she taught us. She violated almost every principle she had taught us growing up.

Meeting Her Affair Partner

Leading up to my mom introducing me to her affair partner, on several occasions, she told me how great of a man and father he was. She said they loved each other. Sadly, I think she believed what she was saying. However, knowing who she had been before her affair, her words were meaningless and disingenuous.

I was confused by her words and actions. How exactly was her affair partner a good man and father? He had been having an affair with my mother while cheating on his wife and family. How did having sex with my mother while she was still married to my father and he was still married to his wife indicating he was a good man and father?

From my perspective and the life principles my parents taught me, he was anything but a great man or father. He was a bad husband and father. He was dishonest with his wife and children. He wasn’t committed to his wife, marriage, or children.

When I met him at my mom’s gym, ironically where they started their affair, it was clear he was arrogant. As I expected, he didn’t apologize for his affair or the impact it had on our lives. He acted as if our meeting was a good and natural thing. He seemed to expect that I would see him as a good guy. How selfish and disconnected from reality my mother and her affair partner were.

He didn’t acknowledge the need for accountability for his selfishness and the pain he had caused our families. He didn’t value family because his affair resulted in two divorces.

He didn’t apologize to me or any of my siblings for hijacking our lives — taking no responsibility for the divorces and damage resulting from their affair.

His emotional and sexual desires trumped his commitment and marriage vows to his family. He lacked a conscience and integrity.

At the end of our meeting, I told him I didn’t care if I ever had a relationship with him but he needed to respect and care for my mother. He promised he would. He said it so quickly and unconvincingly that I looked at him with irony. His words and promise meant nothing to me — but obviously, neither cared what their children thought. I doubt his promise meant as much to him as he wanted me to believe. What led him to think I could feel he would act any different with my mother than he did with his marriage commitment to his first wife?

I thought to myself, how are his children going to feel when they finally meet my mother, his mistress the family wrecker? Would they have the same feelings of disgust and disdain we did? Would they believe my mother would honor marriage or their family? Or, would they hate her for her part in their father’s adultery and betrayal?

My siblings and I have gone to trauma counseling. It has helped us but some things are just too close and personal to work through in sessions. Time will help. I am still disappointed in my mother and her affair partner. How selfish it was for them to engage in betrayal and adultery and dishonor our families. I know I will eventually forgive them, but I don’t think I will forget their betrayal.

One thing is certain among all the uncertainties, when my mom abandoned the principles she taught us, she changed. Not at all for the better. She is distracted, distant, and easily frustrated. She is preoccupied with living a carefree and fun life now. She was willing to sacrifice who she was and her relationship with us for her affair. Knowing this, it will take some time for me and my siblings to work through the loss of our mom and family.

Broken Marriages and Broken Families

My mother and her affair partner eventually married after their divorces were final. They aren’t honest with themselves or other people about how they met, how they divorced in their first marriages, their infidelity, etc. They have created false narratives to cover up the truth.

Their marriage is a constant reminder to our family of their selfishness, betrayal, and lies. We can’t trust them to be honest or do the right thing. Neither of them are living the principles my parents taught us. They live in a world where truth, honesty, and integrity are all ‘relative.’

I don’t know when but I predict their marriage will fail just as they failed in their first marriages. Their failure will only complicate our families more.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.