I no longer hate you, but I do have some questions.

(This is a contributed article.)

Dear Mysterious Mistress,

I’ve thought about you off and on since discovering your affair with my husband. At first, I was filled with pain, anger, resentment, and bitterness. Those feelings were present and active for more than a year as I sorted through my marriage and life. Thankfully, I am working through things and letting go of many of them.

Since the discovery and subsequent healing process, I’ve been thinking about you. Not with pain, anger, resentment, or bitterness though. Rather, a lingering curiosity. Why have I thought about you? I’m not sure. Maybe for closure? Possibly to ease my conscience. Who knows?

However, I want to say, I don’t blame you anymore. I did initially but not anymore. Yes, you willingly engaged in the affair which eventually led to my divorcing my husband, but you were only part of the affair and overall problem. You see, I know it takes two to tango. My husband was not just a willing adultery participant with you but also an instigator. I’ve read your affair messages and I have some understanding of his role, but for you, I still don’t quite understand you or your motives.

When I think about you, I can’t help but wonder, did you ever think what your affair would mean for me, our marriage, or our children? I still wonder about you and how you approached your affair with my husband. I don’t know much about you or what your motivations were. No matter how I approach thinking about your affair with my husband, it just doesn’t make sense to me.

Did my husband throw our marriage away for something meaningful? Was your affair meaningful in some way that I have yet to understand? If it was, what was the meaning of it? Or, was it simply that you got caught up in something exciting and forbidden? Did he sweep you off your feet? Did he promise to marry you? Did you do it for love?

I know my husband felt like marriage with children was ‘getting old’ and ‘unexciting.’ If I am honest, I felt that way at times as well. It is easy to get to that place if you allow yourself to.

While knowing the truth and how you approached the affair wouldn’t change anything, it might have offered me a deeper understanding of how it happened and why it continued. I don’t pretend to expect to receive a lot of revelations about your affair, just some information to help understand who you are and what you expected to gain from your affair with my husband. I don’t want to think of you as simply a monster who caused my divorce. I doubt you are a monster. Maybe just misguided and misunderstood. I think it would be helpful for my children to know you’re not a monster too. It’s hard enough for them to think of their father that way. So, understanding you better would help me help my children through this too.

Thankfully, I’m moving on from this chapter of my life. The divorce is final and I am moving forward with a new life and perspective. While I did love my husband deeply, when I discovered his affair with you it was as if his betrayal consumed me with some poisonous toxin that attacked and destroyed the love that I once had for him. It has taken a long time for my heart to heal. I think it is almost healed but I still can’t tell yet. I feel that some things may never heal or be resolved though. That said, I am focusing exclusively on helping our children. They are my primary focus. I can finish healing later if I still need to.

I do wish you well. I mean it. In that spirit, I hope you don’t continue as a mistress. Being a mistress isn’t a life choice that will bring you happiness, respect, and stability. I imagine you might want to marry, start a family, and settle down someday. If you do, I hope you see that the ‘mistress’ life is not conducive to being a committed and faithful wife. It also doesn’t introduce you to faithful and honorable men who desire a committed wife and mother for their children.

Without knowing much about you, I try to think of you as someone’s daughter, sister, and best friend. It humanizes you.

We all make mistakes. I have and will continue to do so. Because I want people to forgive me when I offend them, I try to forgive others when they offend me.

I doubt you will ever read this. But if by some miraculous chance you do, I hope you take some solace from it and move forward knowing you are more than my ex-husband’s mistress. You are someone’s daughter, sister, best friend, future wife, and future mom.

Sincerely,

My Broken But Healing Heart

Recovering from Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

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About the CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.