(This is a contributed article.)

My failed marriage enlightened me about myself and the pressure society puts on women. When I first met my wife, she wanted to grow old gracefully — like her mom. She took care of herself, ate well, and exercised.

However, over the years my wife felt the societal pressure to defy aging at any expense. I assured my wife that she remained beautiful, desirable, and enough regardless of her natural signs of aging. Unfortunately, my assurances weren’t enough for her. Why? In part, because Hollywood and popular media outlets feed women with a steady diet of skinny, wrinkle-free, augmented, and airbrushed bodies in ads, shows, and movies. Over the years, my wife started to feel inadequate as a wife and mother. No matter how much I tried to assure her that she was ‘enough’ and that the pursuit of defying age and natural signs of aging posed dangerous risks.

This popular movement to defy aging and be dissatisfied with oneself for aging naturally is a very dangerous movement. I am reminded of the 2005 “Robots” movie. In the movie, there is a famous line, “Why be you when you can be new?” This line struck me then and now. Inherent in this line is the struggle many face with being content and satisfied with their body. We all age. Our bodies sag and wrinkle with time. Our hair greys, recedes, thins, and falls out. Our muscles atrophy. We slow down and break down.

In our neighborhood, many women (and some men) have pursued Botox, fillers, anti-aging surgeries, and body augmentation surgeries. Sometimes the results are gradual, but often they are drastic and unnatural. When I speak with people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, or even 70s, it is only natural to expect some wrinkles in their face, neck, and skin. What is unnatural is when they speak, their face doesn’t move naturally and they have no signs of wrinkles. They look fake and unnatural.

Over time, my wife insisted on having Botox injections in her face. I told her it wasn’t necessary but if she wanted them she could if it made her feel more comfortable with herself. She did. Her wrinkles all but disappeared. However, her face no longer moved naturally. Her eyebrows didn’t move. They remained high and immovable like the Vulcan’s in the popular ‘Star Trek’ series.

Soon, my wife talked about wanting to have a breast augmentation surgery. She started to dye and color her hair. She pursued every diet possible to lose the ‘20 pounds’ she always felt she needed to lose after having our children. Eventually, she got to a point where surgery, injections, fillers, diets, etc. weren’t enough. She wanted to be 3–4 inches taller than she was. High heels aside, there wasn’t much we could do about her desire to be taller.

Finally, my wife hit rock bottom with her midlife crisis and pursuit of the impossible. She started an affair and our marriage fell apart from that point on. Our daughters have since been impacted by her pursuit of the impossible — each questioning their natural beauty and self-worth.

As a father and divorced husband, I hope and pray someday that my daughters and ex-wife recognize their inherent worth regardless of how they age. While the message from Hollywood and the popular media continues to be, “Why be you when you can be new?” — I unequivocally reject it. If you feel you need to pursue Botox, fillers, anti-aging procedures, and body augmentation surgeries, do so only if you can accept that they will not stop aging or the effects of aging. They are not long-term solutions to the natural course of life. The only solution is you. Self-worth and contentment with what is and what will be can only come from within.

Don’t Fall Into the Trap!

The physical, mental, and emotional risks associated with these pointless pursuits are costly. Botox, fillers, anti-aging procedures, and body augmentation surgeries are not long-term solutions. While many seek these procedures to improve their appearance and confidence, research notes the potential for adverse psychological outcomes.

Mental and Emotional Costs

Some individuals experience improvements in self-esteem and body image after cosmetic procedures, but this isn’t universal. Research indicates that unrealistic expectations or underlying body dysmorphia can lead to dissatisfaction, even if the surgery is successful. Patients who undergo cosmetic surgery may face heightened anxiety and depression, particularly if they are unhappy with the results or the procedure does not meet their anticipated psychological outcomes. There is also a risk of developing Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), where individuals become preoccupied with perceived flaws, which may drive them to seek further surgeries.

Increased Depression

Post-surgery depression is a documented risk, often due to unmet expectations, dissatisfaction with results, or the physical and financial stress involved. Temporary limitations on physical activity and dependence on others during recovery can exacerbate feelings of frustration and emotional distress. Additionally, the emotional impact of anesthesia and post-operative medications can lead to depressive symptoms.

Physical Risks

Beyond the inherent risks of surgery, like infections or scarring, non-invasive treatments like Botox require regular upkeep. Patients can underestimate the commitment and costs, leading to long-term financial and physical burdens. For some, this continuous cycle of treatments can lead to emotional burnout and diminished self-worth.

Body Image Dissatisfaction

While many undergo procedures to improve body image, studies show that some patients experience the opposite effect. In cases where surgery does not resolve underlying psychological issues, patients may continue to feel dissatisfied with their appearance, leading to a pursuit of additional surgeries in hopes of achieving elusive perfection.

Here is a summary of the sources I’ve used and cited:

1. Oxford Academic Study (2022)​(Oxford Academic): This study discusses the psychological impacts of cosmetic procedures, including the risk of body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), depression, and anxiety. It highlights how individuals with unrealistic expectations or pre-existing psychological conditions often experience dissatisfaction post-surgery, even when the physical outcome is considered successful.
2. Psychology Today Article​ (Psychology Today): This article explores the psychological and emotional consequences of plastic surgery, focusing on patients’ motivations and expectations. It emphasizes the importance of understanding underlying psychological issues, such as low self-esteem or body image problems, which surgery alone may not resolve. The article also discusses the financial and emotional stresses that patients may encounter due to ongoing procedures and maintenance like Botox injections.
3. Neurolaunch Article​ (NeuroLaunch.com): This source addresses post-surgical depression, linking it to factors like dissatisfaction with results, physical recovery challenges, and the psychological effects of anesthesia and pain medications. It offers strategies for preventing and managing post-surgery depression, including psychological screening, support systems, and setting realistic expectations.
4. European Journal of Plastic Surgery ​(SpringerLink): This systematic review covers the effects of cosmetic surgery on body image and self-esteem. It finds that while some patients report improved self-confidence and body satisfaction, others experience increased dissatisfaction, particularly if their initial motivations for surgery stemmed from deep-rooted psychological issues. The study also notes a correlation between frequent cosmetic procedures and emotional instability.

If you are pursuing these, please be cautious and realistic with your short and long-term expectations. Overall, the psychological risks of cosmetic procedures, including increased depression and body image dissatisfaction, suggest the importance of pre-surgical mental health evaluations and realistic expectations.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity of your marriage, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

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About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.