The Detrimental Effects and Implications

Infidelity is a deeply traumatic experience, not just for the betrayed spouse but also for children caught in the aftermath. In some cases, the parent who committed the infidelity attempts to manipulate their children, turning them against the spouse they betrayed. This type of parental manipulation is often driven by motives related to guilt, self-preservation, and a desire to rewrite the narrative. However, the psychological effects on children who become pawns in such manipulation can be long-lasting and damaging. This article explores the motives behind parental manipulation, the methods used, and the long-term psychological effects on children.

Motives Behind Parental Manipulation

When a parent cheats on their spouse and is subsequently caught or the marriage dissolves, they may face a complex set of emotions, including guilt, shame, and fear of losing their children’s affection. These emotions can drive the betraying parent to manipulate their children to regain control of the narrative and protect their self-image.

1. Guilt and Self-Justification
   Cheating parents may feel immense guilt for betraying their spouse and potentially breaking up the family. To justify their actions and betrayal, they may frame themselves as the victim and cast the betrayed spouse negatively. By aligning their children against the betrayed spouse, they seek validation for their actions and avoid facing the full consequences of their infidelity.
2. Fear of Losing the Children
   A parent who has committed infidelity may fear losing their relationship with their children if they are perceived as the one responsible for the breakup. To prevent this, they might attempt to alienate the children from the betrayed spouse, painting themselves as the more loving, caring, or rational parent. This alienation can serve to strengthen the emotional bond with the children while simultaneously weakening the bond with the other parent.
3. Self-Preservation
   Infidelity often comes with legal and financial consequences, particularly in divorce or custody disputes. A cheating parent may manipulate the children to ensure that they are viewed favorably in court, which could lead to more favorable custody arrangements or financial settlements. By turning the children against the betrayed spouse, they may try to create a narrative where they are the stable, trustworthy parent.
4. Rewriting the Narrative
   Betraying parents often seek to rewrite the history of the marriage to justify their infidelity. They might frame the betrayed spouse as unloving, controlling, or distant, painting themselves as the one forced into infidelity due to circumstances beyond their control. Children, due to their emotional vulnerability and need for parental approval, may absorb this rewritten narrative and take sides.

Techniques and Methods of Manipulation

Parental manipulation after infidelity can take various forms, often subtle and insidious, leaving children unaware of the manipulation while driving a wedge between them and the betrayed spouse. Some common techniques include:

1. Parental Alienation
   One of the most harmful forms of manipulation is parental alienation, a process where the cheating parent deliberately tries to estrange the child from the betrayed spouse. This can involve bad-mouthing the other parent, blaming them for the divorce or family issues, and encouraging the child to distrust or reject the betrayed spouse. Parental alienation is recognized by psychologists as a form of emotional abuse, as it poisons the child’s relationship with one parent for the manipulator’s gain (Baker & Darnall, 2007).
2. Parentification
   Parentification occurs when a parent places an inappropriate level of responsibility on a child, expecting them to take on adult roles, often providing emotional support that should come from another adult. A cheating parent may burden their children with the emotional weight of the infidelity, expecting them to “choose sides” or console the parent, rather than seeking help from a therapist or other adult. The child may feel obligated to protect the cheating parent emotionally, even if it means sacrificing their relationship with the betrayed parent (Hooper, 2007).
3. Triangulation
   Triangulation involves drawing a third party — in this case, the child — into the conflict between the parents. The cheating parent may attempt to position the child as an ally against the betrayed spouse, thereby reinforcing their loyalty to the manipulating parent. This creates confusion for the child, who feels caught in the middle, often developing an emotional allegiance to the cheating parent as a way to cope with the pressure (Minuchin, 1974).
4. Gaslighting
   In some cases, the cheating parent may engage in gaslighting, where they deny, distort, or fabricate events to make the betrayed spouse seem irrational or untrustworthy in the eyes of the child. For example, they might deny ever having cheated, claim the betrayed spouse is lying, or manipulate the child into doubting their own experiences. Gaslighting can lead to significant emotional confusion and damage the child’s ability to trust their perceptions (Stern, 2018).
5. Creating a False Dichotomy
   A cheating parent may frame the family dynamics as an “either-or” situation, forcing the child to choose between loving one parent or the other. They might suggest that loving or supporting the betrayed spouse is a betrayal of their relationship with the cheating parent. This false dichotomy puts immense psychological pressure on the child, forcing them to pick a side instead of maintaining a healthy relationship with both parents (Warshak, 2010).

Impact on the Children

The manipulation of children in the wake of infidelity has far-reaching and often devastating effects on their psychological well-being, emotional development, and future relationships. Children manipulated in this way suffer a range of negative outcomes, including:

1. Emotional and Psychological Distress
   Children who are manipulated by a parent following infidelity often experience intense emotional turmoil. They may feel guilty, conflicted, or confused about their feelings toward both parents. Research shows that children who are subjected to parental manipulation are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem as they struggle to reconcile their feelings of loyalty with the pressure to align with one parent (Johnston & Roseby, 1997).
2. Difficulty Trusting Others
   When a child is manipulated into taking sides or questioning their perceptions, it can damage their ability to trust others, particularly in future romantic relationships. They may develop attachment issues, fearing betrayal or manipulation by others, due to the instability they witnessed and experienced in their family life (Amato & Afifi, 2006).
3. Development of Maladaptive Coping Mechanisms
   Children caught in the middle of parental conflict often develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with stress, such as emotional numbing, avoidance, or aggression. They may learn to suppress their emotions to avoid being caught between warring parents, which can lead to emotional detachment and difficulty processing their feelings in adulthood (Hetherington, 1999).
4. Impaired Relationship with the Betrayed Parent
   Parental manipulation often results in a strained or broken relationship with the betrayed parent. As the child is fed negative information and encouraged to distance themselves, they may become estranged or develop feelings of resentment or anger toward the betrayed parent. This damaged relationship can take years, if not decades, to repair, and in some cases, may never fully recover (Kelly & Johnston, 2001).
5. Perpetuation of Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns
   Children who witness manipulative and dysfunctional relationship dynamics between their parents are more likely to replicate those patterns in their relationships. They may come to view manipulation, dishonesty, or emotional coercion as normal aspects of intimate relationships, making them more susceptible to unhealthy or abusive relationships in the future (Amato, 2001).

Key Takeaways

The manipulation of children by a cheating parent is a deeply harmful behavior that can have long-lasting effects on the child’s emotional and psychological well-being. Driven by motives such as guilt, fear, and self-preservation, the betraying parent may resort to techniques like parental alienation, parentification, and gaslighting to turn the child against the betrayed spouse. The long-term impact on the child includes emotional distress, difficulty trusting others, and impaired relationships, both with the betrayed parent and in their future romantic endeavors. Ultimately, parental manipulation in the context of infidelity is a form of emotional abuse that harms not only the betrayed spouse but also the children caught in the crossfire.

References

Amato, P. R. (2001). Children of Divorce in the 1990s: An Update of the Amato and Keith (1991) Meta-Analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(3), 355–370.

Amato, P. R., & Afifi, T. D. (2006). Feeling Caught Between Parents: Adult Children’s Relations With Parents and Subjective Well-Being. Journal of Marriage and Family, 68(1), 222–235.

Baker, A. J. L., & Darnall Amato, P. R. (2001). Children of Divorce in the 1990s: An Update of the Amato and Keith (1991) Meta-Analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(3), 355–370.

Baker, A. J. L., & Darnall, D. (2007). Parental Alienation, DSM-V, and ICD-11. American Journal of Family Therapy, 35(3), 1–20.

Hetherington, E. M. (1999). Should We Stay Together for the Sake of the Children? In E. M. Hetherington (Ed.), Coping with Divorce, Single Parenting, and Remarriage (pp. 93–116). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Hooper, L. M. (2007). The Application of Attachment Theory and Family Systems Theory to the Phenomena of Parentification. The Family Journal, 15(3), 217–223.

Johnston, J. R., & Roseby, V. (1997). In the Name of the Child: A Developmental Approach to Understanding and Helping Children of Conflicted and Violent Divorce. Free Press.

Kelly, J. B., & Johnston, J. R. (2001). The Alienated Child: A Reformulation of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Family Court Review, 39(3), 249–266.

Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy. Harvard University Press.

Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. Harmony Books.

Warshak, R. A. (2010). Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-Mouthing and Brainwashing. Harper Paperbacks.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you want to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.