From Lapse to Lifestyle

Infidelity is a complex and often devastating behavior, yet its motivations, frequency, and severity can vary greatly. Not all cheating is created equal, and by looking at infidelity through a progressive lens, we can better understand the behavior and the psychology behind it. Below is a scale of infidelity severity, ranging from one-time, accidental acts to chronic, serial infidelity. Each level represents increasing frequency, intensity, and psychological complexity.

1. Accidental Infidelity

Example: Sarah, a married woman, attends a work conference and drinks more than usual at a networking event. In a moment of poor judgment and lowered inhibitions, she kisses a coworker. Immediately afterward, she is consumed with guilt and regret.

Characteristics: Accidental infidelity is a single, unplanned act, often driven by external factors like alcohol or emotional vulnerability. It is not premeditated, and the person involved typically feels immense remorse.

Psychological Behavior: Cognitive dissonance is strong in this case, as the person’s actions directly contradict their core values of fidelity and commitment. They will likely seek to bury the incident, as it was a departure from their usual character.

Justification: Those who commit accidental infidelity often tell themselves, “It was a mistake,” or “It didn’t mean anything.” The behavior is framed as a lapse in judgment, not a reflection of deeper issues.

Post-Infidelity Behavior: Often, there is a desire to confess or compensate for the act, seeking to restore the relationship and ensure it doesn’t happen again.

2. Opportunistic Infidelity

Example: Tom, who travels frequently for work, flirts with a woman he meets at a bar. He doesn’t go out looking to cheat, but in the heat of the moment, he goes back to her hotel room. He tells himself it’s just a one-time thing, especially since he’s far from home and believes no one will find out.

Characteristics: Opportunistic infidelity occurs when the opportunity to cheat presents itself and is taken, even though the person doesn’t actively seek it out. It’s rare but calculated, and guilt may not be as pronounced.

Psychological Behavior: The person rationalizes the act, compartmentalizing it from their day-to-day life. They may feel guilty but justify their behavior as a “momentary slip.”

Justification: “It’s just physical,” or “It was a one-time opportunity that won’t happen again.” They minimize the significance of the infidelity, convincing themselves it doesn’t affect their relationship.

Post-Infidelity Behavior: The person will likely attempt to return to normal, maintaining distance from the affair and avoiding situations that might lead to confession.

3. Emotional Infidelity

Example: Karen begins exchanging late-night texts with a colleague, confiding in him about her frustrations in her marriage. Over time, she develops deep feelings for him, even though their relationship has not become physical.

Characteristics: Emotional infidelity involves forming a strong emotional bond with someone outside of the relationship, which can often feel more intimate than physical cheating. There may or may not be a sexual component to the infidelity, but the emotional connection can be equally damaging.

Psychological Behavior: Those engaging in emotional infidelity often convince themselves that because they aren’t physically cheating, it’s not as serious. They may feel conflicted but continue the emotional connection because it meets a need not fulfilled in their primary relationship.

Justification: “I’m not physically cheating,” or “They understand me better than my partner does.” Emotional infidelity is framed as harmless since it doesn’t cross physical boundaries — at least initially.

Post-Infidelity Behavior: The emotional bond often leads to increased secrecy and distance from the partner. Over time, emotional affairs can lead to the erosion of the primary relationship.

4. Situational Infidelity

Example: After a major argument, Jason feels neglected by his partner. Upset and feeling unloved, he seeks solace in the arms of someone else. This was not premeditated but a result of an emotional reaction to his partner’s perceived neglect.

Characteristics: Situational infidelity happens during stressful times in the relationship. It is often reactive, driven by feelings of rejection, hurt, or loneliness.

Psychological Behavior: This type of infidelity is often seen as a response to relationship difficulties. The person views their behavior as a form of self-care or emotional escape, albeit in a destructive manner.

Justification: “I was hurting,” or “My partner wasn’t there for me.” Those engaging in situational infidelity believe their behavior is a reaction to their partner’s shortcomings, which they see as justifying their actions.

Post-Infidelity Behavior: After the infidelity, the person may either withdraw from their partner out of shame or use it as a further wedge between them. In some cases, it may spark a desire to repair the relationship.

5. Compartmentalized Infidelity

Example: Mike has been married for several years but regularly engages in brief affairs. He carefully separates his cheating from his home life, making sure his wife never finds out.

Characteristics: Compartmentalized infidelity involves repeated cheating, with the individual maintaining a dual life. They can keep their infidelities separate from their primary relationship, often without remorse.

Psychological Behavior: This person is skilled at rationalizing and compartmentalizing their actions, believing that their cheating doesn’t impact their primary relationship. Cognitive dissonance is minimized by creating psychological distance between their infidelities and their home life.

Justification: “What my partner doesn’t know won’t hurt them,” or “I love my partner, but I need something else on the side.” They justify their actions by separating the emotional bond of their primary relationship from the sexual or emotional satisfaction they seek elsewhere.

Post-Infidelity Behavior: They continue their dual lives without much internal conflict. As long as they believe they can maintain secrecy, they see little need to stop.

6. Chronic Infidelity

Example: Susan has had several affairs throughout her marriage, never staying loyal to one partner for long. Each affair feels exciting at first, but she quickly moves on to someone new.

Characteristics: Chronic infidelity is habitual and involves a pattern of multiple affairs over time. It is less about the circumstances and more about a deep-seated need for novelty or validation.

Psychological Behavior: Those in this category often display traits of narcissism or thrill-seeking, requiring constant attention, admiration, or sexual excitement. They are less concerned with the consequences of their actions.

Justification: “I can’t help myself,” or “I’m not built for monogamy.” They view infidelity as part of their nature and see little wrong in their actions.

Post-Infidelity Behavior: Chronic cheaters typically exhibit little remorse. They may eventually lose interest in their primary relationship or continue cheating as a permanent lifestyle.

7. Serial Infidelity

Example: Paul has had affairs in every serious relationship he’s ever been in, often maintaining multiple relationships simultaneously. He sees himself as above societal norms of fidelity.

Characteristics: Serial infidelity is compulsive, with the individual repeatedly seeking out new partners. There is often a lack of emotional attachment or concern for the consequences.

Psychological Behavior: Serial infidelity is often associated with narcissism or sociopathy. The individual views themselves as entitled to cheat, with little regard for how their actions impact others.

Justification: “Monogamy is unnatural,” or “I deserve this.” They believe they are above traditional moral constraints and often feel no need to justify their behavior to others.

Post-Infidelity Behavior: Serial cheaters rarely change their behavior. They often move from one relationship to the next, carrying the same pattern of infidelity with them.

Key Takeaways

Infidelity can range from accidental to compulsive, with varying degrees of emotional and psychological complexity. Understanding these stages of infidelity helps explain the motivations behind cheating and the ways individuals rationalize their behavior. As we move up the scale, infidelity becomes more frequent, deliberate, and psychologically embedded, causing greater harm to both the cheater and their partner.

The psychological justifications behind each stage offer insight into how individuals cope with the internal conflict caused by their actions. While some types of infidelity may stem from momentary lapses, others reflect deeper issues within the individual or the relationship, requiring more profound intervention.

References

The concepts and stages outlined in this article are based on established psychological theories, relationship dynamics, and infidelity studies. The specific framework of the severity scale is a synthesized model. The stages of infidelity severity are synthesized themes from these studies, combined with psychological theories on relational dynamics and personal motivation. For further reading and supporting literature, here are references to foundational works on infidelity, its psychology, and related behaviors:

1. Drigotas, S. M., Safstrom, C. A., & Gentilia, T. (1999). “An investment model prediction of dating infidelity.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(3), 509–524.
   This article discusses predictors of infidelity in romantic relationships, including emotional and investment factors, which are relevant to understanding situational and emotional infidelity.
2. Lewandowski, G. W., & Ackerman, R. A. (2006). “Something’s missing: Need fulfillment and self-expansion as predictors of susceptibility to infidelity.” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 25(4), 540–556.
   This study examines how unmet needs within a relationship increase vulnerability to infidelity, providing insights into the psychological dynamics of emotional and situational infidelity.
3. Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1985). “Sex differences in type of extramarital involvement and marital dissatisfaction.” Sex Roles, 12(9–10), 1101–1120.
   This research differentiates between emotional and physical infidelity and explores how they relate to marital dissatisfaction, relevant to several stages of the severity scale.
4. Buunk, B. P., & Dijkstra, P. (2004). “Men, women, and infidelity: Sex differences in extradyadic sex and jealousy.” Evolution and Human Behavior, 25(2), 84–99.
   This article explores gender differences in attitudes toward infidelity and the psychological motivations behind extradyadic involvement.
5. Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K. (2005). “Infidelity in committed relationships II: A substantive review.” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(2), 217–233.
   This comprehensive review covers different types of infidelity, including emotional and physical, and examines the impact on relationships, which is key to understanding the broader context of infidelity stages.
6. Mark, K. P., Garcia, J. R., & Fisher, H. E. (2015). “Perceived emotional and sexual satisfaction across different types of sexual relationships.” The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(12), 2303–2311.
   This study discusses sexual satisfaction and its correlation with infidelity behaviors, contributing to the understanding of why people cheat.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.