Bad Parental Behavior, Using Children as Pawns, and Resulting Collateral Damage

Chess, one of the oldest and most popular board games, is played by two opponents on a checkered board with specially designed pieces of contrasting colors, commonly white and black. White moves first, after which the players alternate turns by fixed rules, each attempting to force the opponent’s principal piece, the King, into checkmate — a position where it cannot avoid capture.

A player might sacrifice a pawn or piece to get open lines around the vicinity of the opponent’s king, to get a kingside space advantage, to destroy or damage the opposing king’s pawn cover, or to keep the opposing king in the center. Unless the opponent manages to fend off the attack, they are likely to lose the game.

One of the most detrimental chess moves is moving the pawn guarding the castled king. The purpose of the pawn in front of the king is to keep the king safe from attack or threat of an attack. If you move that pawn, you risk compromising your king’s safety.

In the case of infidelity and revenge, some parents resort to a deadly game of manipulative chess. When children are used as pawns in parental conflicts — especially during situations involving betrayal, manipulation, triangulation, and parental alienation — the impact can be profound and long-lasting. Research and experts in child psychology and family dynamics suggest that these experiences often lead to psychological, emotional, and relational challenges that extend into adulthood, marriage, and parenting. Here’s an overview of what some of the research says:

1. Emotional and Psychological Distress

Children exposed to parental manipulation, including parental alienation, often suffer from significant emotional distress. Research shows that these children are more likely to develop anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem as they grow older. The pressure of choosing sides or managing conflicting loyalties between parents can lead to chronic stress, which impacts their mental health well into adulthood.

• Emotional instability: Studies have found that children of high-conflict divorce or manipulative family environments exhibit higher rates of emotional dysregulation, making it harder for them to manage stress and emotional conflicts in their adult relationships (Baker, 2010).
• Depression and anxiety: Long-term exposure to parental conflict is associated with higher rates of clinical depression and anxiety disorders (Amato, 2001).

2. Difficulty with Relationships and Trust

Parental manipulation often erodes a child’s ability to trust others, particularly in intimate relationships. Children who have been manipulated and triangulated may experience attachment issues and difficulties forming healthy, trusting bonds with others.

• Trust and attachment issues: Children who witness betrayal or are forced to choose sides may develop avoidant or anxious attachment styles, leading them to fear intimacy or distrust romantic partners (Byng-Hall, 2008).
• Marital instability: A study by Amato and DeBoer (2001) found that children who experienced high-conflict parental relationships were more likely to struggle in their marriages. The patterns of manipulation and mistrust they observed can become templates for their relationships, increasing the likelihood of divorce.

3. Repetition of Dysfunctional Patterns

Children often replicate the behaviors they observe from their parents. If they witness manipulative, coercive, or alienating behaviors, they are more likely to repeat these dysfunctional relationship patterns in their own marriages and family dynamics.

• Generational transmission of dysfunction: Research has found that parental alienation and high-conflict behaviors can be transmitted intergenerationally. Children who grow up in these environments may engage in similar manipulative behaviors with their partners or children (Baker, 2007).
• Emotional unavailability: Adults who experience parental alienation or manipulation may struggle with emotional expression, finding it difficult to fully engage with their children, perpetuating a cycle of emotional neglect or overcontrol (Kelly & Johnston, 2001).

4. Identity and Self-Worth Issues

Children’s sense of identity can be compromised When they are manipulated or alienated from a parent. This is especially true when one parent disparages the other, forcing the child to reject a part of themselves. This can lead to confusion about their self-worth and identity.

• Identity conflicts: Children may internalize negative views about the alienated parent, which can cause long-term struggles with identity formation. They may also feel guilty or ashamed about maintaining a relationship with the targeted parent (Harman et al., 2018).
• Self-esteem issues: Constant manipulation by a parent can erode a child’s self-confidence, leading to feelings of worthlessness or insecurity. These self-esteem issues may carry into adulthood, influencing personal and professional relationships.

5. Alienation from Own Children

Some studies suggest that children who were alienated from a parent may eventually face alienation in their relationships, including estrangement from their children. They may be less likely to develop strong bonds with their offspring due to the unresolved psychological issues stemming from their own experiences.

• Parental estrangement: Experts such as Bernet et al. (2010) emphasize that children who experience parental alienation are at risk of being alienated from their children due to learned relational behaviors and difficulties managing close familial bonds.

6. Risk of Substance Abuse and Other Behavioral Issues

Children involved in high-conflict parental situations are also at increased risk for substance abuse, delinquency, and behavioral problems. Chronic emotional stress and unresolved trauma can lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms as these children attempt to deal with the instability in their home lives.

• Substance abuse: Research from the American Psychological Association (APA) indicates that children from high-conflict or manipulative parental environments are at a higher risk of turning to alcohol or drugs as a way to cope with their unresolved emotional pain (APA, 2016).

Key Takeaways

Children who are used as pawns, manipulated, or alienated in the context of parental conflict — especially post-infidelity — face significant long-term consequences, including emotional and psychological distress, difficulties in relationships, identity issues, and the perpetuation of dysfunctional behaviors. These children are more likely to experience challenges in their marriages and parenting, and the cycle of dysfunction may continue across generations.

References

• Amato, P. R. (2001). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 1269–1287.
• Baker, A. J. (2007). Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind. Norton.
• Baker, A. J. (2010). Parental alienation: A special case of parental rejection. Parenting and Peer Relationships in Adolescence, 239–255.
• Bernet, W., Von Boch-Galhau, W., Baker, A. J., & Morrison, S. L. (2010). Parental alienation, DSM-V, and ICD-11. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 38(2), 76–187.
• Byng-Hall, J. (2008). The significance of attachment relationships for family functioning. Family Process, 47(4), 443–458.
• Harman, J. J., Biringen, Z., Ratajack, E., Outland, J., & Kraus, A. (2018). Parents behaving badly: Gender biases in the perception of parental alienating behaviors. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(6), 743–753.
• Kelly, J. B., & Johnston, J. R. (2001). The alienated child: A reformulation of parental alienation syndrome. Family Court Review, 39(3), 249–266.

These sources provide an understanding of the risks and impact of parental manipulation and alienation on children and how these effects can manifest into adulthood.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.