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Therapy for Children Recovering from Parental Betrayal and Infidelity

While there isn’t a precise statistic on the number or percentage of children affected by parental infidelity who attend therapy, it is widely observed that infidelity impacts children significantly and often leads to therapy as a way to address the complex emotional fallout. Many children experience a range of challenges, including trust issues, lowered self-esteem, and emotional distress, which therapy can help them manage, especially when their parents actively support counseling initiatives​

The therapy rate varies depending on factors like family dynamics, parental support, cultural attitudes towards mental health, and access to mental health services. Children from families that encourage open communication and emotional support are more likely to seek therapy, while those from less supportive environments may avoid it, despite potential long-term effects such as difficulty with relationships and increased susceptibility to emotional and behavioral issues​

In therapy, the primary goal is to create a safe and non-judgmental space for children to process their emotions, ask difficult questions, and rebuild their sense of security. Techniques like family therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and psychoeducation are often used to help children understand the situation and manage their emotional responses effectively.

1. Betrayal and Trust Issues:

  • Emotional Impact: Children often feel betrayed, not only by the unfaithful parent but also by the family unit as a whole. The sense of security and stability in their home life is shattered.
  • Questions: “How could my parent do this to our family?” “Can I ever trust my parents again?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists work on helping children process their feelings of betrayal, teaching them how to differentiate between the actions of their parents and their sense of worth. Therapists also address how trust can be rebuilt slowly with their parents and in other relationships moving forward.

2. Loyalty Conflicts:

  • Emotional Impact: Children often feel torn between their loyalty to both parents. They may struggle with anger toward the unfaithful parent but also feel guilt for taking sides.
  • Questions: “Is it okay to still love my parent after what they did?” “Am I betraying my other parent if I forgive them?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists guide children through understanding that love for a parent can exist alongside disappointment or anger. They help children express their feelings without feeling guilty for their emotions and teach them that they are not responsible for managing their parents’ relationship dynamics.

3. Insecurity and Fear of Abandonment:

  • Emotional Impact: Children may fear that their unfaithful parent will abandon the family, or that the other parent might also leave them. They may feel that the family unit is fragile.
  • Questions: “What if my parent leaves us for someone else?” “Will our family ever feel normal again?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists help address these fears by encouraging open communication within the family about plans. Therapy sessions often focus on helping children feel secure in their relationships, even if the family dynamic has shifted.

4. Self-Blame and Guilt:

  • Emotional Impact: Children may irrationally internalize their parents’ infidelity and feel that they are somehow responsible for what happened. They may wonder if they weren’t “good enough” to keep the family together.
  • Questions: “Was I the reason this happened?” “Could I have done something to prevent this?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists work to help children understand that they are not responsible for adult behavior and that the infidelity is in no way a reflection of their worth. This process often involves cognitive reframing and reassurance.

5. Confusion About Love and Relationships:

  • Emotional Impact: The discovery of a parent’s infidelity can lead children to question the nature of love, relationships, and marriage. They may develop skewed views of romantic relationships, either fearing betrayal in their future or struggling to understand what constitutes a healthy relationship.
  • Questions: “Can love last?” “Will this happen to me in my relationships?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists help children understand that their parents’ relationship problems do not dictate their future. They also focus on promoting a healthy, realistic view of relationships and communication, teaching what trust and commitment should look like in healthy dynamics.

6. Anger and Resentment:

  • Emotional Impact: Anger toward the unfaithful parent is common, as children may feel deeply hurt by their actions. They may also be resentful toward the parent who was cheated on, especially if they believe that parent is enabling or not standing up for the family.
  • Questions: “Why did my parent betray us?” “Why isn’t my other parent doing more to fix this?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists help children express and process their anger healthily. They offer tools to manage these intense emotions and work on understanding that both parents are imperfect, helping the child focus on what they need to heal emotionally.

7. Privacy and Shame:

  • Emotional Impact: Children may feel embarrassed or ashamed about the infidelity, especially if others (like extended family or friends) are aware of it. They may need to keep it a secret or struggle with discussing it.
  • Questions: “What will people think of our family?” “Do I have to tell anyone?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists offer a safe space for children to talk about these feelings and help them navigate social interactions. They also address the concept of boundaries and privacy, teaching children that it’s okay to decide who they share their personal lives with and when.

8. Impact on Family Structure and Dynamics:

  • Emotional Impact: If the infidelity leads to divorce or separation, children may struggle with the practical changes in their lives — new living arrangements, co-parenting, and potential new partners introduced by either parent.
  • Questions: “What will our family look like now?” “Do I have to accept my parent’s new partner?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists help children adjust to new family dynamics, ensuring their feelings are validated while preparing them to accept change. Counsel focuses on helping children maintain their sense of stability and self amidst these transitions.

9. Siding with the Betraying Parent:

  • Emotional Impact: Some children may align with the betraying parent for a variety of reasons, including manipulation, a desire for stability, or admiration of the betraying parent’s independence or new relationship. In other cases, the betraying parent may work to “win” the child’s affection, portraying the other parent as the cause of family problems. Children might also choose to side with the betraying parent as a way to avoid further conflict or feel closer to the parent who might be perceived as “winning” in the situation.
  • Questions: “Am I betraying my other parent by staying close to the one who cheated?” “Why do I feel more comfortable with the parent who did something wrong?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists address the emotional and psychological complexity of these loyalty dynamics, helping children understand that it’s normal to have mixed feelings about both parents. Counsel focuses on giving children space to process their emotions without feeling the need to pick sides. They also work on helping the child recognize manipulation or attempts to control the narrative, encouraging them to see both parents as imperfect individuals who made choices, rather than as “good” or “bad.”

10. Adjusting to the Betraying Parent Marrying Their Affair Partner:

  • Emotional Impact: When the betraying parent marries their affair partner, children may face additional layers of hurt and confusion. This can feel like a deep betrayal, as it solidifies the relationship that tore their family apart. The child may feel resentment toward both the parent and the new partner, viewing the latter as the person who destroyed their family. Conversely, some children may gradually warm up to the new spouse, creating internal conflict as they feel guilty for accepting this new reality.
  • Questions: “How can I accept my parent’s new partner when they helped destroy my family?” “Do I have to like my parent’s new spouse?” “Is it wrong if I start to get along with them?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists help children navigate the emotional complexity of this situation by validating their feelings of resentment, anger, or confusion. They offer strategies for managing interactions with the new partner and encourage open, honest communication about boundaries. Counsel focuses on separating the betrayal from the new relationship and allowing the child to develop their feelings about the affair partner, free from pressure or guilt. Therapists may also help children create emotional boundaries, allowing them to accept the new partner in their parent’s life without feeling like they are condoning the infidelity.

11. Conflicted Feelings About Forgiveness and Moving Forward:

  • Emotional Impact: Children often struggle with the concept of forgiveness, especially if the betraying parent is now in a stable, long-term relationship with the affair partner. They may feel pressured by family or society to “move on,” but internally they could still be processing pain, anger, and distrust.
  • Questions: “Is it okay to forgive my parent, even if I still feel hurt?” “How do I move on if I can’t forgive them?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists work on helping children understand that forgiveness is a personal process that cannot be rushed or forced. They focus on differentiating forgiveness from excusing or condoning the parent’s actions. Therapy also emphasizes that it’s okay to hold complex emotions — children can forgive their parents over time while still acknowledging the pain they endured. Forgiveness is often presented as part of the child’s healing, not something they are required to do for the parent’s sake. Incorporating these dynamics into therapy helps children reconcile the complexity of their emotions, which might include both anger and love for the parent who betrayed the family. These experiences can shape their long-term views of relationships, loyalty, and forgiveness, and therapy provides a structured environment to process these feelings healthily.

12. Manipulation by the Betraying Parent:

  • Emotional Impact: The betraying parent may attempt to justify their actions to the child, framing the infidelity as either the result of unhappiness in the marriage or blaming the betrayed parent. This parent might position themselves as the victim or attempt to create a “new normal” by downplaying the harm done, often asking the child to “move on” for the sake of family harmony.
  • Tactics Used: 1.) Victim Narrative: The betraying parent might claim that they were forced into the affair due to being “neglected” or “unloved,” seeking sympathy from the child. 2.) Parental Alienation: They may subtly or overtly encourage the child to side with them, speaking negatively about the betrayed parent. 3.) Guilt Trips: “I’m still your parent, and I did this because I wanted to be happy — don’t you want me to be happy?” 4.) Bribery/Indulgence: The parent might buy affection through gifts, freedom, or favors, using material things to win the child’s loyalty.
  • Questions: “Was my other parent the reason for the affair?” “Should I feel sorry for my cheating parent?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists help children recognize manipulation and understand the power dynamics at play. They work on empowering children to trust their perceptions rather than internalizing one parent’s narrative. Therapy also emphasizes that children are not responsible for managing their parent’s emotional needs or choosing sides. Boundaries are taught, helping the child avoid being drawn into adult conflicts.

13. Manipulation by the Betrayed Parent:

  • Emotional Impact: The betrayed parent might also manipulate the child, often out of their emotional pain and sense of betrayal. This parent may lean on the child for emotional support, treating them like a confidante, or using them to vent frustrations about the other parent. They may also attempt to alienate the child from the betraying parent as a way to cope with their feelings of hurt and abandonment.
  • Tactics Used: 1.) Emotional Confiding: The betrayed parent might share intimate details of the affair with the child, expecting sympathy or emotional support, effectively making the child a surrogate partner in emotional healing. 2.) Guilt Induction: “How can you still love and spend time with your parent after what they did to us?” 3.) Parental Alienation: They may speak negatively about the betraying parent, subtly encouraging the child to cut off contact or reject the other parent. 4.) Victim Identity: They may play the victim excessively, not allowing the child space to feel anything other than anger toward the betraying parent.
  • Questions: “Is it wrong if I still want to be close to the parent who cheated?” “How do I help my parent feel better?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists help children navigate the emotional boundaries needed to protect themselves from being pulled into adult issues. They work on teaching the child that they do not have to choose sides and that it is not their job to take care of the betrayed parent emotionally. Counseling might include reinforcing the importance of having adult support systems outside of the child and ensuring that the child is not burdened with adult responsibilities.

14. Conflicted Loyalties and Guilt:

  • Emotional Impact: Manipulation from either parent creates intense feelings of guilt, confusion, and divided loyalties for the child. Children might feel guilty for having a relationship with the unfaithful parent, or they may feel like they’re betraying the other parent by not sharing in their anger. The emotional tug-of-war can leave children feeling isolated, conflicted, and unable to express their feelings openly.
  • Questions: “Why do I feel bad for wanting to spend time with both parents?” “Am I betraying one parent by not hating the other?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapy focuses on helping children understand that they are not responsible for their parents’ relationship or the fallout from the infidelity. Counselors work on helping the child establish emotional independence, teaching them that they can have relationships with both parents without taking on the weight of their parents’ issues. They also help children release feelings of guilt and establish healthy emotional boundaries.

15. Role Reversal and Parentification:

  • Emotional Impact: In cases of manipulation, children can often be parentified, meaning they take on adult roles within the family. This is especially true when one parent uses the child for emotional support or as a sounding board for their pain. This role reversal can rob the child of their emotional development, as they focus on caring for or managing the emotions of their parents instead of experiencing their own.
  • Questions: “How do I help my parent without getting overwhelmed?” “Why do I feel like I have to be the grown-up in this situation?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Therapists address parentification by helping children reclaim their role as children, creating emotional distance from the parents’ conflicts. Therapy also encourages the parents to seek appropriate adult support, reinforcing the child’s need for emotional freedom and space to be supported themselves. This often involves family counseling sessions to set healthier boundaries and restructure the family dynamic.

16. Long-Term Impact of Parental Manipulation:

  • Emotional Impact: The effects of parental manipulation can linger long after the infidelity is uncovered. Children who have been manipulated may grow up with distorted views of relationships, loyalty, and personal boundaries. They may struggle to form healthy relationships as adults, experiencing trust issues, fear of betrayal, or difficulties in establishing independence from family dynamics.
  • Questions: “How do I move forward and have my relationships after everything I’ve seen?” “Will I end up repeating my parents’ mistakes?”
  • Therapist’s Counsel: Long-term therapy may involve addressing the child’s relationship patterns as they move into adulthood. Therapists work on unpacking the manipulation and helping the individual develop a sense of self that is separate from their family dynamics. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or family systems therapy can be used to help the child recognize unhealthy patterns and break cycles of manipulation in their future relationships.

The goal of therapy is to help children navigate the emotional complexities created by manipulation, understand that their parents’ conflicts are not their responsibility, and empower them to establish healthy boundaries and emotional autonomy.

References

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Rovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.

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