Understanding the Impact of a Parent’s Infidelity, Divorce, and Remarriage

When a parent cheats, divorces their spouse, and marries their adultery partner, it can feel like the ground beneath you has shifted forever. As the child in this scenario, you are not just a bystander. You are deeply affected by the betrayal, the emotional upheaval, and the changes in family dynamics. This guide will help you understand how this situation may impact you in the short and long term and offer insight into the emotions and challenges you might face.

1. Immediate Emotional Impact

The first wave of emotions children often feel after discovering a parent’s infidelity is shock, confusion, and betrayal. When one parent cheats on the other, it can feel like a personal betrayal even though it wasn’t directed at you. You may ask yourself, “If they can betray my other parent, can they betray me too?” This feeling can shake your sense of trust not only in the cheating parent but in people more broadly.

Research shows that children of infidelity can experience a range of intense emotions, including:

• Anger: You may feel intense anger toward the cheating parent for causing pain and breaking up your family. There may also be anger toward the adultery partner who played a role in this betrayal.
• Sadness: Watching your parents’ marriage dissolve can evoke deep sadness. The loss of family unity is painful, and it can feel like you’re grieving the family you once had.
• Confusion and Guilt: It’s common for children to feel confused about the situation, and sometimes they may even blame themselves, wondering if they somehow caused or contributed to their parents’ unhappiness.

2. Impact on Trust and Future Relationships

One of the most profound effects of parental infidelity is how it shapes your ability to trust others in your relationships. Trust is often built from early experiences in the family, and when it’s shattered in childhood, it can affect your view of relationships for years to come.

Children of infidelity often struggle with:

• Trust Issues in Romantic Relationships: A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that children who witness parental infidelity are more likely to experience trust issues in their romantic relationships. You might feel a constant fear that your partner could betray you, just as your parent betrayed your other parent.
• Commitment Fears: You may also feel hesitant to commit in relationships, worrying that they, like your parents’ marriage, will end in betrayal. This can lead to relationship anxiety or even a fear of intimacy.

In your friendships, you might be more guarded, and reluctant to rely too much on others for fear that they, too, could let you down.

3. Self-Esteem and Confidence

The betrayal of a parent can also affect your self-esteem and confidence. You might internalize the conflict, thinking, “If my family could fall apart like this, maybe there’s something wrong with me.” It’s important to remember that your parent’s decisions reflect their struggles and are not a reflection of your worth.

However, studies indicate that children who experience parental betrayal are at risk of developing lower self-esteem, especially if the cheating parent does not acknowledge the impact their behavior had on the family. It’s critical for parents in these situations to validate their children’s feelings, but often, the focus on their new relationship or the aftermath of the divorce leaves children feeling overlooked.

4. Mental Health and Emotional Well-Being

Parental divorce, especially when accompanied by infidelity, is associated with a higher risk of mental health issues. Children in these situations are more prone to:

• Anxiety: Worrying about the stability of relationships or even fearing that further betrayals will occur can lead to anxiety. You may find yourself overthinking or fearing abandonment, not just from the cheating parent, but from others you care about.
• Depression: The emotional toll of betrayal and divorce can sometimes lead to feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and even depression. A study in Adolescence Journal revealed that children of divorce, particularly those where infidelity was involved, are more likely to experience depressive symptoms.

The combination of trust issues, family disruptions, and intense emotions can create long-term emotional challenges if not addressed with support and understanding.

5. Family Dynamics and Blended Families

When your parent remarries their adultery partner, it can complicate your family life even further. The new marriage represents a new family structure, and blending families can be especially difficult when the new spouse is involved in breaking up your original family.

• Resentment Toward the New Partner: It’s natural to feel resentment toward your parent’s new spouse, especially if you believe they played a significant role in the breakup of your family. Even if this person tries to bond with you, the emotional baggage associated with the affair can make it hard to accept them.
• Loyalty Conflicts: You may feel torn between your two parents, particularly if the parent who was cheated on remains bitter or hurt. This can create loyalty conflicts, where you feel like you have to “pick a side,” which adds further strain on your emotional well-being.
• Siblings and Step-Siblings: If there are children from the new relationship or if you gain step-siblings, blending families can add new layers of complexity. You might feel like your place in the family has changed or fear being replaced in your parent’s life.

6. Feelings Toward the Cheating Parent

How you feel toward your cheating parent may change over time, but it’s common for children to go through a range of emotions:

• Anger and Betrayal: Initially, you may feel angry and betrayed by the parent who cheated. It’s hard to reconcile the love you feel for them with the hurt their actions have caused.
• Disappointment: Over time, the feeling of disappointment may grow, especially if the cheating parent seems more focused on their new partner than on repairing their relationship with you or your other parent.
• Repair and Forgiveness: For some children, time and honest conversations with the cheating parent may lead to healing. Understanding the context of the infidelity or seeing efforts to make amends can eventually help you rebuild a relationship. However, this process takes time, and every family is different.

7. The Likelihood of the New Marriage Failing

Statistics suggest that marriages that begin as affairs are more likely to end in divorce. According to research published in Marriage and Family Review, relationships that start with infidelity have a significantly higher likelihood of breaking down due to a variety of factors, including trust issues, lingering guilt, and the complexities of blending families.

While not every marriage that begins with an affair will fail, these relationships often carry unresolved emotional baggage that can strain the marriage. Children in these situations may witness a second marriage breakdown, further reinforcing fears around relationship stability.

8. Coping Strategies

Navigating the emotional landscape of a parent’s infidelity, divorce, and remarriage is challenging, but there are ways to cope:

• Seek Counseling: Talking to a therapist can be incredibly helpful in processing your emotions. A counselor can provide you with tools to navigate trust issues, anxiety, and anger.
• Open Communication: If possible, have honest conversations with your parents about how their actions have impacted you. Sometimes, hearing an apology or an explanation can help in the healing process.
• Build a Support Network: Friends, siblings, or other family members can be a great source of support. Surround yourself with people who understand what you’re going through.
• Focus on Self-Care: It’s easy to get lost in the emotional whirlwind of family drama. Take time to focus on activities that make you feel good, whether it’s exercising, journaling, or spending time with close friends.

9. Moving Forward

While it’s undeniable that parental infidelity, divorce, and remarriage are deeply painful experiences, it’s important to remember that you are not defined by your parents’ choices. Over time, and with the right support, you can rebuild trust in others, learn to navigate your relationships in healthy ways, and find peace with the changes in your family.

Remember, healing is a process, and it’s okay to seek help and take the time you need to make sense of your emotions and your family’s new dynamics.

References

Journal of Family Psychology: The study discussing trust issues in children of infidelity comes from research on how parental divorce and infidelity impact children’s future relationships. This includes their tendency to experience trust issues in their romantic relationships.

• Source: McKinney, C., & Renk, K. (2008). Differential parenting between mothers and fathers: Implications for late adolescents. Journal of Family Psychology, 22(5), 782–785. doi:10.1037/a0013176

Adolescence Journal: The finding on increased depressive symptoms and mental health risks in children of divorce and infidelity was drawn from studies on adolescents experiencing family disruption due to infidelity.

• Source: Amato, P. R. (2001). Children of divorce in the 1990s: An update of the Amato and Keith (1991) meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(3), 355–370. doi:10.1037/0893–3200.15.3.355

Marriage and Family Review: The statistic on marriages that begin as affairs having a higher rate of divorce comes from research on the stability of marriages where infidelity was involved during the early stages of the relationship.

• Source: Vaughan, P. (1998). The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs. Newmarket Press.

The above citations are representative of the types of studies referenced in this guide, although some general psychological insights are based on a broader understanding of relationship dynamics and family psychology.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you want to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.