How to recognize the signs and avoid deception

Navigating relationships can be challenging, especially when subtle, manipulative, or harmful behaviors complicate emotional connections. With the rise in narcissism, how can you tell whether you are dating a narcissist?

We’ve developed a questionnaire designed to help individuals assess whether their partner exhibits traits commonly associated with narcissism, ranging from excessive self-focus and entitlement to manipulation and lack of empathy. While everyone may show some narcissistic traits occasionally, persistent and pervasive patterns could signal deeper issues, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or other personality dynamics.

This tool is not a clinical diagnostic test but rather a self-assessment to identify patterns that may warrant further reflection or professional guidance. By reflecting on your experiences, this questionnaire can offer insights into your relationship dynamics and guide you in making informed decisions about your well-being.

What this Questionnaire Covers:

1. Key Behavioral Traits: Evaluates grandiosity, entitlement, and tendencies to dominate conversations or diminish others.
2. Relational Dynamics: Assesses manipulative tactics like gaslighting, love-bombing, or emotional withdrawal, which often erode trust and self-esteem over time.
3. Impact on Partner: Highlights the emotional toll, including feelings of self-doubt, confusion, isolation, or walking on eggshells.
4. Behavioral Spectrum: Considers a range of narcissistic behaviors, from overtly grandiose to covertly manipulative.

This tool is not a clinical diagnostic test but rather a self-assessment to identify patterns that may warrant further reflection or professional guidance. The questions align with established psychological research on narcissism, including the criteria outlined in the DSM-5 (American Psychiatric Association, 2013) and other key studies on narcissism in relationships.

Why Take This Questionnaire?

Recognizing problematic behaviors early can empower you to make informed decisions about your well-being and relationships. Understanding these dynamics can also be the first step toward seeking help, whether through therapy, self-care, or setting boundaries.

Instructions

For each question, choose the response that most closely reflects your experiences. At the end of the questionnaire, use the scoring chart to interpret your results.

Take your time answering each question honestly, keeping your recent experiences in mind. The results may offer valuable insights into your relationship and help you determine the next steps for fostering a healthy and fulfilling connection.

Questionnaire

1. Contextual Questions

1. Does your partner act charming and engaging around others but critical or dismissive of you in private?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

2. Are their attitudes toward others (e.g., family, friends, or coworkers) significantly different from how they treat you?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

3. Do you notice your partner striving for admiration or validation in social settings more than in private moments with you?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

4. Do they try to control how you present yourself in public or dictate your behavior during social interactions?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

5. Have you noticed inconsistencies in the stories or impressions they give to others about your relationship?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

2. Behavioral Escalation

1. Have you noticed an increase in controlling, critical, or dismissive behavior since the beginning of your relationship?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

2. Has the affection or charm they showed at the start of the relationship faded over time?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

3. Do they remind you of previous mistakes or use past arguments against you as the relationship deepens?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

4. Have their expectations for how you should prioritize them grown over time?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

3. Emotional Reactions

1. Does your partner respond well when you try to set boundaries or assert independence?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

2. When you share personal struggles or feelings, do they listen empathetically, dismiss them, or make the conversation about themselves?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

3. Do they tend to downplay their role in conflicts or shift blame to you or others?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

4. When you confront them about hurtful behavior, do they acknowledge it or accuse you of being too sensitive?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

4. Long-Term Impact on You

1. Do you feel emotionally drained, confused, or as though you’re constantly walking on eggshells around your partner?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

2. Have you started doubting your perceptions, feelings, or worth because of their behavior?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

3. Do you feel isolated or disconnected from friends and family because of how your partner influences your relationships?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

4. Has their criticism or dismissiveness affected your self-esteem or confidence?
— Never
— Rarely
— Sometimes
— Often
— Always

Scoring Chart

Assign points to each response as follows:

• Never: 0 points
• Rarely: 1 point
• Sometimes: 2 points
• Often: 3 points
• Always: 4 points

Total your score and use the chart below to interpret your results:

• 0–15: Low likelihood of narcissistic traits
• 16–30: Moderate likelihood; some behaviors may indicate narcissistic tendencies
• 31–50: High likelihood; behaviors may reflect significant narcissistic traits
• 51+: Very high likelihood; consider seeking professional support.

Conclusion

This questionnaire is designed to provide insight into your relationship dynamics. If your results suggest a high or very high likelihood of narcissistic behaviors, consider consulting a mental health professional for guidance. Your well-being is important, and understanding these dynamics is a step toward making empowered decisions about your life.

Framework Used for the Questionnaire

The structure was informed by:

• Personality Trait Models: These include the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI), which measures narcissism on a spectrum. Source: Raskin, R., & Terry, H. (1988). A principal-components analysis of the Narcissistic Personality Inventory and further evidence of its construct validity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 54(5), 890–902.
• Emotional Abuse Assessment Tools: Adapted from questionnaires used to identify emotional abuse, such as the Duluth Model’s Power and Control Wheel. Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (1993). The Power and Control Wheel.

References

• American Psychiatric Association. (2013). DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
• Mayo Clinic. (n.d.). Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org
• Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2002). Narcissism and Commitment in Romantic Relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(4), 484–495.
• Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists.
• Sarkis, S. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People.
• Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement.

Key Concepts and Sources

1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Characteristics

• The core traits of narcissism, including grandiosity, lack of empathy, need for admiration, and interpersonal exploitiveness, are outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) by the American Psychiatric Association.
• Source: DSM-5, American Psychiatric Association (2013)

2. Gaslighting and Manipulation

• Gaslighting, a common tactic in relationships with narcissistic individuals, involves making the victim question their reality. This concept has been widely explored in studies of emotional abuse and narcissism.
• Source: Sarkis, S. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People — and Break Free.

3. Narcissism in Romantic Relationships

• Research highlights the patterns of narcissistic abuse in relationships, including cycles of idealization, devaluation, and discarding.
• Source: Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2002). Narcissism and commitment in romantic relationships: An investment model analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(4), 484–495.

4. Impact on Partners

• Studies discuss how partners of narcissists often experience diminished self-esteem, emotional exhaustion, and confusion due to manipulative behaviors.
• Source: Miller, J. D., & Campbell, W. K. (2008). Narcissistic personality disorder: Relations with distress and interpersonal functioning. Clinical Psychology Review, 28(7), 638–656.

5. Emotional Abuse and Isolation

• Emotional abuse tactics like belittling, criticism, and isolating the victim from support systems are strongly linked to narcissistic tendencies.
• Source: Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

6. Public vs. Private Personas

• Narcissists often maintain a “charming” public persona while being critical or dismissive in private. This duality is a recognized pattern in research on interpersonal dynamics.
• Source: Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement.

7. Behavioral Escalation and Patterns Over Time

• The cycle of initial charm followed by emotional manipulation is frequently discussed in studies of narcissistic relationships.
• Source: Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists.

8. Narcissistic Abuse Symptoms

• The impact of narcissistic abuse, such as “walking on eggshells,” emotional confusion, and self-doubt, has been extensively documented.
• Source: Stines, S. (2018). The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.