False justifications are often created in self-deception and self-betrayal

Suppose you’ve spent time reading articles from this or other platforms. In that case, the chances are you’ve come across at least a few articles where betraying and unfaithful spouses justify their destructive and selfish behavior. Many present their betrayal as ‘courageous’ and justified. Some even present it as life-saving. Most explicitly or implicitly imply they were victims of abusive or neglectful marriages. All of this is meant to justify their infidelity, adultery, and betrayal.

There are indeed too many abusive and neglectful marriages. Too many bad actors in marriage and relationships undermine their marriages and damage the lives of their spouses and children. However, as you read these unfaithful spouses’ stories, you have to ask yourself:

• Did they all come from bad marriages with no personal fault or ownership?
• Were they all helpless victims in their marriage as they suggest?
• Were they helpless victims whose only option was to cheat and betray their spouses, children, and family?

We recently read an article by a cheating spouse who presented herself as a victim turned heroine. She believed she was a woman to be admired or idealized for her courage and noble qualities. Why? Because she found the courage to commit infidelity and adultery in her marriage. Her heroism and courage didn’t end there — when caught in her betrayal and infidelity, she ‘found the courage’ to leave her marriage. In her story, she found courage through having an affair with a married man. In other words, she was courageous for being a mistress and a destructive force in her marriage and the marriage of her affair partner.

Based on the writer’s interpretation of events, the definition of ‘courage’ needs to be revised from “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty” to “the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse and lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s profit or pleasure.” We are left to wonder how we all could have misunderstood the meaning of ‘courage’ for so long.

In reality, stories like hers are typically filled with deception and self-pity. They use false justifications created by self-deception and self-betrayal.

What she fails to understand or convey in her article is her self-deception and self-betrayal. She excuses her selfishness by suggesting she is ‘courageous’ to be unfaithful, deceptive, and dishonest. She defines her roles as a mistress and destroyer of families and trust as ‘courageous.’ Do those she betrayed and harmed consider her courageous?

Reality Check

Suppose you’ve been unfaithful and are justifying your actions by saying your marriage was unfulfilling, difficult, or even abusive. In that case, it’s important to honestly look at your choices and actions. While it’s true that some marriages are genuinely challenging, infidelity and adultery are still a betrayal of trust and integrity. Acting outside your relationship without addressing the issues directly — whether by working on the marriage or choosing to leave before engaging with someone else — reflects avoidance, not courage.

Unhappiness in a marriage does not justify deception. There are always healthier and more honorable ways to handle dissatisfaction or conflict, such as open communication, seeking therapy, or ending the relationship before starting another. By cheating, you’ve bypassed these options and chose a path that not only violated your spouse’s and children’s trust but also prevented you from addressing the underlying problems head-on. This isn’t an act of courage, bravery, or self-liberation — it’s one of avoidance and, often, borne of selfishness.

If you’re telling yourself that your infidelity was a way to “finally find the courage to leave,” ask yourself whether you truly acted with integrity. Real courage means facing difficult conversations and decisions directly, even when uncomfortable. It’s about being honest with your spouse and yourself, rather than seeking comfort or validation from someone outside the relationship while maintaining the facade of your marriage.

Taking responsibility for your actions is a necessary step toward personal growth. Reflect on why you made the choices you did and how you can approach challenges differently moving forward. Whether you stay in the relationship or move on, focus on learning from this experience. Acknowledge the betrayal, address your shortcomings, and commit to handling future relationships with integrity, transparency, and accountability. This is how you rebuild trust — not just with others, but with yourself.

Cheating isn’t and never will be courageous. It is cowardice and selfishness. It harms everyone involved.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.