Marriage, Parenting, and Lack of Emotional Depth

What do you do when you discover you are married to or in a relationship with a narcissist? The stark reality is that you are in a tough spot but there is hope.

While not necessarily conclusive, several studies indicate an increase in narcissism over recent decades. The truth is, that the scale of narcissism is a sliding scale. On one end, you have the more overt and grandiose extreme. Arguably, the grandiose type is more easily identified. However, the covert spectrum can often be the most difficult to recognize. Covert narcissists generally don’t exhibit the grandiose and overt behaviors often associated with traditional narcissism, but their subtle manipulations and emotional unavailability still wreak havoc in relationships. Whether in a marriage, as parents, or with friends, covert narcissists often struggle to form deep, meaningful, and mutually supportive connections. Below, we’ll explore how covert narcissists manage marriage, parenthood, and relationships, and why their emotional challenges often lead to instability.

Covert Narcissism in Marriage: Emotional Distance and Instability

In marriage, covert narcissists can be emotionally distant and self-centered, leading to strained relationships over time. While overt narcissists may assert dominance through grandiosity, covert narcissists are more subtle, often presenting themselves as misunderstood or underappreciated. This self-image, however, masks their underlying emotional unavailability.

One of the most significant challenges covert narcissists face in marriage is their inability to develop deep emotional intimacy. Research has shown that narcissists, whether covert or overt, lack empathy — an essential component of strong, healthy relationships. This lack of empathy means that covert narcissists often fail to recognize or respond to their partner’s emotional needs, leading to feelings of isolation and dissatisfaction in their spouse.

Furthermore, covert narcissists tend to manipulate their partners in passive-aggressive ways. For example, they might subtly undermine their spouse’s self-esteem or manipulate situations to gain sympathy and control. This can create an emotionally toxic environment where the partner feels unheard, unseen, and constantly on edge.

Marriage with a covert narcissist can also suffer from instability. Research shows that narcissists often struggle to maintain long-term emotional commitments, with relationship satisfaction deteriorating over time. Covert narcissists may cycle between idealizing their partner early in the relationship and devaluing them later when they no longer fulfill the narcissist’s need for validation. This cycle creates emotional volatility and long-term dissatisfaction.

Covert Narcissists as Parents: Emotional Manipulation and Conditional Love

Parenting presents another arena where covert narcissists struggle. Although they may outwardly seem more engaged or concerned than overt narcissists, their interactions with their children are often characterized by emotional manipulation and conditional love. Covert narcissists view their children as extensions of themselves, using them to fulfill their own emotional needs for validation and admiration.

One key feature of covert narcissistic parenting is emotional enmeshment. Covert narcissists may blur the boundaries between their emotional needs and their child’s, subtly controlling their child’s behavior under the guise of care or concern. This control can manifest in various ways, including setting unrealistic expectations for success or demanding that the child meet their emotional needs, such as acting as a confidant or source of admiration. Over time, this can erode the child’s self-esteem and stunt their emotional development.

Children of covert narcissists often face inconsistent boundaries, where their parent alternates between over-control and emotional withdrawal. This inconsistency can leave children confused, anxious, and unsure of how to navigate their relationship with their parents. The long-term impact of narcissistic parenting has been well-documented, with studies showing that children raised by narcissists are more likely to experience emotional trauma, struggle with self-esteem issues, and have difficulties forming healthy adult relationships.

Covert Narcissists and Relationships: Superficial Connections and Lack of Vulnerability

In relationships outside of marriage and parenting, covert narcissists also struggle to form deep, meaningful connections. Unlike overt narcissists, who seek admiration through dominance and charm, covert narcissists tend to seek validation through more subtle means, such as playing the victim or fostering a sense of martyrdom. While these behaviors may initially draw sympathy from others, they ultimately undermine the possibility of true emotional closeness.

One of the core challenges covert narcissists face in relationships is their fear of vulnerability. They may avoid emotional openness and mask their insecurities by manipulating others into fulfilling their needs. This avoidance of vulnerability creates superficial relationships, as true emotional depth requires openness, empathy, and mutual trust — traits that covert narcissists generally lack.

Research shows that narcissists often view relationships transactionally, focusing on what they can gain from the interaction rather than fostering mutual emotional support. This transactional approach undermines the potential for deep, meaningful relationships. In friendships, covert narcissists may initially idealize others, but as soon as their needs for admiration are not met, they may begin to devalue and distance themselves from those individuals.

Why Covert Narcissists Struggle With Deep and Meaningful Relationships

Ultimately, covert narcissists are unable to form deep and meaningful relationships due to their emotional limitations. Their lack of empathy, fear of vulnerability, and self-centeredness prevent them from engaging in the give-and-take required for genuine connection. While they may appear sensitive or misunderstood, their relationships are often characterized by manipulation, emotional distance, and an inability to prioritize others’ needs over their own.

Studies have shown that partners of narcissists often report high levels of emotional exhaustion and dissatisfaction due to the narcissist’s lack of emotional reciprocity and manipulative behaviors. In the long run, relationships with covert narcissists often leave others feeling emotionally drained, unimportant, and disconnected.

Key Takeaways

While covert narcissists may not display the obvious grandiosity of overt narcissists, they share similar challenges in maintaining healthy relationships. Whether in marriage, as parents, or in friendships, their emotional unavailability, manipulation, and self-centeredness create environments where meaningful, deep connections are difficult — if not impossible — to achieve.

In marriages, covert narcissists leave their partners feeling isolated and emotionally neglected. As parents, they often place their own emotional needs above those of their children, leading to emotional enmeshment and manipulation. In broader relationships, their fear of vulnerability and tendency toward superficial connections make it difficult to foster genuine emotional intimacy. Ultimately, the emotional and psychological traits of covert narcissists undermine their ability to form stable, fulfilling, and deep relationships. Given how covert narcissists operate, they tend to be more prone to cheating or being unfaithful in marriage and relationships.

References

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These sources provide research-based insights into covert narcissism, its effects on relationships, and how narcissistic behaviors impact marriage, parenting, and interpersonal connections.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed the trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

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About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.