The “I dos” and “I don’ts” of adultery
(This is a contributed article.)
Valentine’s Day is a good reminder of love and commitment. Over my lifetime, I have had the opportunity to attend many weddings of friends, family, relatives, neighbors, and co-workers. When I attend a wedding, I try putting myself in their “shoes” at these special events as they exchange lifelong marital vows. I’ve been married twice, but in both circumstances, my marital vows exchange was extremely personal and filled with emotion.
My first marriage failed. To be more accurate, the marriage failed because my spouse broke her vows and had an extramarital affair — but it was also not in the best of places either. Almost all failed marriages are filled with regret. Some more than others. I have regrets but they aren’t regrets about not being faithful. They aren’t about betraying my spouse or not keeping my vows. They are about the little things I could have done differently.
To me, marriage vows represent an extension of my character and commitment to my spouse, children, and myself. They are a lifelong commitment and aspiration. As with most things, I am not always consistent, but I never give up trying.
Since my divorce and remarriage, I have thought about how easily some people trade in marital vows for affair vows. While in all likelihood, affair partners do not formally exchange affair vows, their thoughts and actions indicate silent vows made for their affair. For those of us who have been betrayed, we question what some of those vows are.
They might sound something like this:
“I take you, not as my partner in truth, but as my accomplice in deception. I vow to give you only fragments of myself, carefully chosen while withholding the full picture of who I truly am. I promise to build this connection not on trust or honesty but on lies and half-truths, shrouded in shadows.
“I promise to cherish the illusion of us, not for who we are, but for who we pretend to be when we’re together. I will celebrate the thrill of forbidden moments, ignoring the pain and destruction that may follow in our wake. I vow to prioritize fleeting passion over enduring commitment, knowing full well that our foundation is as fragile as the lies that uphold it.
“I pledge to manipulate the circumstances of my life to carve out stolen moments with you, to justify my selfishness while dismissing the harm it causes my spouse and children. I vow to compartmentalize, to hide behind excuses, and to turn a blind eye to the reality of the hurt I inflict on those who trust me most.
“I promise to revel in the fantasy we create, even as it erodes the authenticity of our lives. I will celebrate the escapism we share, pretending that the problems we flee will never catch up to us. I vow to seek temporary refuge in you, not as a solution to my struggles, but as a distraction from facing them.
“I pledge to manipulate emotions, to blur lines, and to betray my principles for the sake of fleeting satisfaction. I vow to ignore the lessons of those who have come before, dismissing the inevitability of heartbreak, regret, and loss.
“I take you, not for better or worse, but only for the moments that suit me. I vow to be present in passion but absent in permanence, to offer affection without accountability. I promise to make no real sacrifices, to commit only when it is convenient, and to leave when the cost becomes too great.
“And when the fantasy inevitably fades, when the lies unravel, and when the consequences catch up to us, I vow to absolve myself of responsibility, to rewrite the story in my favor, and to walk away from you without looking back.
“These are the vows I make to you, not out of love or devotion, but out of selfishness and desire, knowing full well that they are destined to crumble beneath the weight of their hypocrisy.”
The Affair Partner’s Vows
In return, their affair partner may respond to these vows with their own:
“I take you, not as my partner in honesty, but as my co-conspirator in secrecy. I vow to accept the lies you tell them, even as I know you will one day lie to me, too. I promise to play my role in this charade, crafting my deceptions to match yours.
“I vow to see only the parts of you that suit my desires, ignoring the full weight of your commitments to your spouse and children. I promise to idealize you, to cling to the fantasy of who I want you to be while turning a blind eye to the cracks in my illusion of who you really are.
“I promise to accept stolen moments as if they were enough, even though I crave more. I vow to pretend that what we have is special, that I am different, and that I alone can hold your attention in a way they cannot. I pledge to feed my ego on the scraps of your time and affection stolen from your spouse and children, even as I feel the emptiness growing within me.
“I vow to rationalize our choices, to paint us as victims of circumstance, and to call this something other than what it is: selfishness dressed up as ‘destiny’. I promise to ignore the pain this causes others, including your spouse and children, convincing myself that it isn’t my problem, even as I know I am complicit.
“I promise to play along with the fantasy, to believe the promises you can’t keep, and to live in the moment while avoiding the inevitable. I vow to overlook the red flags and the warning signs, clinging instead to the fleeting rush of what we’ve created.
“I vow to accept your divided attention, to make peace with being second, and to tell myself that the rules don’t matter because our connection is unique. I promise to ignore the truth that if you can betray them, you can betray me too.
“I take you, not for better or worse, but only for the temporary escape you provide. I vow to embrace the highs, no matter how fleeting, and to suppress the lows until they are impossible to ignore. I promise to ask no questions about the future, knowing it is built on a foundation that cannot hold.
“And when this ends — as it inevitably will — I vow to rewrite the story, to tell myself that I deserved better, and to pretend that I wasn’t a willing participant in the harm we caused.
“These are the vows I make to you, not out of love or hope for a future, but out of a desire for the fleeting validation you offer, knowing full well that neither of us will emerge unscathed.”
Conclusion
I can’t imagine trying to rectify these ‘affair vows’ and beliefs against the marital vows that they betray. It seems so shortsighted and selfish. My hope in writing this is someone reads this and thinks twice before having an affair.
Recovering From Infidelity
If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! If you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity, there is hope! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!
Share Your Story
The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.
About CHADIE Foundation
The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.
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