(This is an article obtained through interviews)

Even years after our divorce, my ex-husband still blames me for everything. He blames me for our bad marriage, his adultery, our resulting separation, my unwillingness to take him back after his betrayal, our subsequent divorce, his ongoing unhappiness, and his abusive treatment of me. Even after all of this, I remain his ultimate scapegoat.

Being married to him for almost two decades was a never-ending battle. He blamed me for everything and anything. I was constantly subjected to his gaslighting, passive-aggressive behavior, blame-shifting, selective accountability, framing forgiveness as a favor, victimhood, deflection, minimization, etc. At times, it was a living h*ll being his wife.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am full of my personal flaws and share a fair amount of responsibility for our failed marriage. I struggled with some of my demons and challenges. I accept responsibility and make no excuses for them.

Being married to my ex-husband was like being under a magnifying glass to be analyzed and scrutinized by him every day. Because of this, I was forced to reconcile my shortcomings since he could never acknowledge or accept his fault for anything. Accepting my fault was somehow redeeming to me in my emotionally and mentally abusive marriage. It helped me accept what was in my control and what wasn’t. I’m not exactly sure why, but somehow this helped me find some peace in the pain and abuse.

I Will Always Be His Scapegoat

Not that long ago, my children told me that their father (my ex-husband) had told them he had been tested for ‘narcissism’. The test results confirmed that he is on the narcissistic behavior spectrum. My ex-husband then proceeded to tell our children that I caused him to become a narcissist. It was my fault. I still can’t get over the irony here. Years after his daily manipulation, abuse, and adultery, he still finds new ways to blame me for his actions and decisions.

Times like this remind me that dealing with him is an endless lose-lose situation. He sees himself without fault in every circumstance. I can’t imagine living life the way he does. He makes himself the victim in every situation because he will not recognize his deflecting, gaslighting, passive-aggressive, blame-shifting, selective accountability, playing the victim, minimizing, etc. behavior. He is the textbook narcissistic victim.

Since learning about his confirmed narcissism diagnosis, I’ve asked myself, why didn’t I recognize his narcissism when we first met and started dating? The truth be told, I didn’t even know about covert narcissism when we were dating. Covert narcissism is different from the overt narcissistic behavior that most of us recognize. Covert narcissism is a type of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) where a person has a sense of entitlement and self-importance but may appear humble, shy, or introverted. They may exhibit other traits of NPD but often hide the more obvious signs. Covert narcissists tend to use manipulation, deception, and gaslighting to gain attention and inflate their self-esteem.

Regardless, I married him. Even though he deceptively hid his narcissistic tendencies and behaviors during our courtship, I have to own my decision to marry him. I have accepted my ownership in not recognizing who he was. However, now that I know who he is, I understand why he was dishonest then and remains so today. Being a covert narcissist can’t be an easy life to live. (Living with one was hard enough, being one would almost be impossible.)

Our children are still young but they recognize his manipulative behavior. I hope and pray they never fall prey to his manipulation and deception.

Beware of the Subtle Covert Narcissist

My advice to those who are dating — spend the time you need to get to know your future spouse and partner. Be aware of the potential for deception in the courtshipping stage.

Covert narcissism can be just as destructive as more overt narcissistic behaviors. However, recognizing them is much more difficult since they are more covert and deceptive. People with covert narcissism may appear kind, supportive, and humble, making it easier to be deceived. Be informed and don’t fall for their manipulation!

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! There is hope if you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.