All I have now is the harsh, unyielding truth that I was never the victim; I was the villain.

I used to believe I was the victim. That was my story, the one I clung to through every lie, every betrayal, every excuse. I told myself my marriage had failed long before I ever looked at another woman. That my wife had changed, that she didn’t understand me, that she had become cold, distant. It was easier to believe that than to face the truth — that I had drained the warmth from our home and bled the trust from our vows with every whispered deception.

I convinced myself I deserved more. I told myself that my wife had failed me. I told myself I wasn’t happy, that I had a right to be. Happiness — that nebulous thing I was always chasing but never willing to create. It wasn’t my fault that I found someone else. It wasn’t my fault that the weight of my discontent pushed me into her arms. She was just a distraction, a fix, something to remind me I still had power, that I was still wanted. She was my distraction from gazing into my emptied-out soul.

When the affair began, I felt alive. The thrill of it, the secrecy — it was intoxicating. I wasn’t thinking about my wife crying in bed alone, wondering why I had stopped touching her. I wasn’t thinking about my children overhearing hushed, angry voices behind closed doors. I wasn’t thinking about the family I was tearing apart. I was only thinking about myself. I convinced myself that I wasn’t hurting anyone and that I had a right to my desires. And when the truth came out, when my wife’s face crumpled in that way, it didn’t hit me like it should have. Try as I might, I’ll never forget when my children looked at me like I was a stranger. With tears in their eyes, they looked at me with shock and disdain. Even then, I still told myself she had pushed me away, that she made me do this. It wasn’t my fault; it was her fault.

Even when my affair partner’s marriage crumbled, when her husband divorced her, and when I watched her break under the weight of what we had done, I still refused to see. How she clung to me to save her from the ruin that followed. I didn’t feel guilt or shame for what I had done. She had never been anything more than a reflection of my emptiness, a means to an end, and when the affair ended, I turned on her, too. I discarded her like I discarded everything else that reminded me of my failures. I tried to go back to my wife, but she wouldn’t have me. She said she couldn’t trust me, and she was right. I didn’t even trust myself. I had betrayed us both.

Now, I sit in an apartment that doesn’t feel like home, surrounded by the nightmares echoing of the life I destroyed. My children don’t trust me. They see me for what I am, a man who put himself above everything that should have mattered. My ex-wife moved on — not because she wanted to, but because I gave her no choice. She learned to survive in the wreckage I left behind. My affair partner? She lost her family, too. And for what? A man who never loved her, a man who only used her as a salve for his own self-loathing?

The worst part is knowing that none of this was inevitable. I was not forced to betray, lie, or manipulate. I chose this. I chose myself over them, over and over again. And for what? For the thrill? For the validation? I thought I was gaining something—freedom, excitement, a fresh start. Instead, I lost everything that ever mattered.

I look in the mirror and see a hollow man. A man who believed his lies for so long that he mistook them for truth. A man who spent years blaming others for his emptiness. A man who spent his life taking and taking, never realizing he was carving himself out from the inside.

There’s no redemption in my story, no second chance with my family, and no happy ending. I don’t get to fix what I’ve broken. I don’t get to rewrite history. I don’t get to atone for my sins. All I have now is the harsh, unyielding truth—that I was never the victim; I was the villain.

I am a hollow man.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! There is hope if you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy, as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you want to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.