Approaching a difficult conversation with love and wisdom

While we hope you never need to have these difficult discussions with your children, if you do, we hope this article helps you approach them with love and wisdom. These conversations should be approached delicately and lovingly. Your adult child may be defensive or emotionally invested in justifying their affair and decision to marry their affair partner. The goal is to lead with love, ask questions that promote reflection, and avoid direct condemnation while remaining firm in your concerns.

Here’s a structured approach and a series of thought-provoking questions:

1. Set the Right Tone

Start the conversation from a place of love, not judgment. If they feel attacked, they’ll shut down, but if they believe you are genuinely trying to help, they may be more open.

Example Opening:

“I love you, and that will never change. My only concern is that you make choices that truly lead to your long-term happiness and the well-being of your children. I know this is your life, but because I love you, I need to ask some questions that I hope will help you think through everything. Will you be open to talking with me about this?”

2. Establish a Common Goal

Before diving into the hard questions, align on a shared desire for happiness and stability.

Example:

“I’m sure you want a strong, healthy relationship that lasts, not just for yourself but for your kids. I also want that for you. Can we talk about what makes a relationship truly strong over time?”

3. Ask Open-Ended Questions in a Gentle but Penetrating Way

Once they agree to talk, start with non-confrontational yet thought-provoking questions.

Examples:

• “Can you help me understand what makes you confident this relationship is different from your last one?”
• “What do you think will be the biggest challenges in this marriage, considering how it started?”
• “If your child were in this situation 20 years from now, what advice would you give them?”
• “What has your new partner said about their regrets and lessons from their previous marriage?”

If they answer vaguely or defensively, gently probe deeper:

• “That makes sense. But I wonder — do you think trust is something that can be instantly granted, or does it need to be rebuilt? How will you and your new partner rebuild trust with each other and with your children?”

4. Bring in the Bigger Picture

Many people caught in affairs don’t fully consider long-term consequences because they are emotionally focused on the present. Help them to think outside their affair and the world that they will re-enter once the affair is over.

Ask:

• “What happens if, five years from now, you feel some of the same dissatisfaction you felt in your last marriage? How will you handle that differently this time?”
• “What happens if, five years from now, your new spouse and former affair partner feel some of the same dissatisfaction they felt in their last marriage? How do you think they will handle it differently than they did in their previous marriage?”
• “Are you concerned about how your children will view marriage and trust based on this experience?”
• “How do you think your children will feel about you, your affair partner, and their new lives?
• “If your children struggle mentally, emotionally, and socially because of your affair, divorce, and marrying your affair partner, how will you handle it?
• “What do you hope your relationship with your ex-spouse looks like in five years, for the sake of the kids? What steps are you taking to get there?”

If they get defensive:

• “I’m not asking this to judge you — I just know you’re making big decisions with big consequences, and I want you to have thought through everything.”

5. If They Resist or Shut Down

If they become defensive, reaffirm your love and keep the door open.

Example Response:

“I can see this is a hard conversation, and I don’t want to push you away. Please know that I’m asking these things because I care, not because I want to control you. If you ever want to talk about it more, I’m always here.”

Later, you might follow up with:
“I’ve been thinking about our conversation, and I just want you to know that no matter what, I will always love and support you. I just want to make sure you’re truly happy long-term, not just right now.”

6. Encourage Counseling or an Outside Perspective

Sometimes, an outside voice can help them see things they are too emotionally invested in to recognize.

Example Suggestion:

“Would you consider talking to a professional counselor or someone with experience in blended families before making final decisions? Not because I don’t trust your judgment, but because I think an outside perspective could help in thinking through challenges ahead.”

7. End with Love, Not Ultimatums

Regardless of their response, leave the conversation on a loving note to keep the relationship intact.

Example Closing:

“I love you. I know this is your decision, and I just want to make sure you’ve thought through everything. No matter what, I’m here for you and your children.”

This conversation is unlikely to change their mind immediately, but planting seeds of doubt or deeper reflection can be powerful. If you keep the dialogue open and avoid alienating them, they may start questioning their own choices in time.

Encouraging Thoughtful Decision-Making

While you may not change your child’s decision, the following questions can guide thoughtful decision-making rather than emotional impulsivity. The goal is not to condemn but to help them think critically about the long-term impact. Here are some key questions:

1. Self-Reflection on the Relationship

• What is it about your affair partner that makes you believe they are worth sacrificing your marriage, reputation, and family stability?
  (This forces them to verbalize their reasoning, not just rely on emotions.)
• How do you know the “love” you feel for this person is real and lasting, rather than an infatuation born out of secrecy, excitement, or escape?
  (This challenges them to differentiate between genuine love and the thrill of forbidden romance.)
• If you and your affair partner had met under normal, honest circumstances — without the secrecy and betrayal — do you believe your relationship would have developed the same way?
  (This helps them consider if their connection is built on something authentic or simply the excitement of an affair.)
• Do you trust your new partner completely, knowing that they were willing to betray their previous spouse?
  (If they hesitate, it suggests unresolved doubts about the foundation of the relationship.)
• What happens when the “newness” of this relationship fades, and real-life stress replaces the excitement of sneaking around? Are you confident this person is the right life partner beyond passion?
  (Encourages them to think beyond the short-term.)
• What will you do if, in five years, you find yourself in the same situation — dissatisfied and drawn to someone else? How will you prevent history from repeating itself?
  (This makes them reflect on their patterns and character.)

2. Impact on Children and Family

• What would you say if your child came to you years from now and told you they were leaving their spouse for someone else, even though it would break up their family? What advice would you give them?
  (This forces them to think from a parental perspective, not just as someone making a personal choice.)
• How do you think your children feel about this? Have you truly listened to them, or have you assumed they’ll “adjust” over time?
  (If they haven’t had open conversations, this pushes them to consider their children’s real emotions.)
• What will you do if your children never fully accept this new person as a parental figure?
  (This prepares them for the reality that love and respect in blended families aren’t automatic and that they may not trust the affair partner turned parental figure.)
• How will you respond if your children, in their relationships, follow your example — believing that if they’re unhappy, it’s okay to leave for someone else?
  (Helps them recognize they are setting a precedent for future generations.)
• How do you plan to maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship with your ex-spouse, given the pain caused by the affair?
  (Forces them to consider the long-term realities of co-parenting in a difficult situation.)

3. Trust and Future Stability

• If your new spouse ever expresses doubts, guilt, or nostalgia for their previous marriage, how will you handle it?
  (Encourages them to think about unresolved emotional baggage in their partner.)
• Can you honestly say that if your new partner betrayed you in the same way, you wouldn’t be completely devastated? How do you know they won’t?
  (Puts them in the shoes of their former spouse and tests their confidence in their partner’s integrity.)
• What steps are you both taking to ensure that your relationship doesn’t suffer from the same weaknesses that led to your affairs?
  (Forces them to acknowledge and address underlying issues instead of assuming love will fix everything.)
• If your affair partner had left you for someone else instead of the other way around, how would you feel about their character? Would you still see them as trustworthy and worth building a life with?
  (Helps them see their partner’s actions from a different angle.)

4. Considering Regret and Consequences

• If this relationship doesn’t work out, how do you think it will affect your children, your finances, your friendships, and your reputation?
  (Encourages them to think through worst-case scenarios.)
• If five or ten years from now you look back and regret this decision, what will you have lost? Are you willing to take that risk? What about your children?
  (Pushes them to consider long-term regret.)
• What will you do if your family or close friends choose to distance themselves from you because of this decision? Are you prepared for that?
  (Forces them to weigh the relational cost of their actions.)
• Do you believe in redemption and rebuilding trust? If so, why did you not put that effort into repairing your first marriage before choosing this path?
  (Encourages them to reflect on whether they gave their first marriage a fair chance.)
• What would your advice be to someone in your exact situation who is about to take the same step? Would you tell them to proceed without hesitation, or would you warn them to think more deeply?
  (Encourages them to view their situation as if they were an outsider offering advice.)

Final Thoughts

The goal of these questions is not to attack or shame your child but to lovingly hold up a mirror to their choices. Many people who leave a marriage for an affair partner eventually realize they are chasing a fantasy rather than building something truly sustainable. By asking these questions, you help your child slow down and think critically about their decision rather than acting purely on emotions. Having these tough, loving, and thought-provoking conversations can be very beneficial to your child and grandchildren.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! There is hope if you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you want to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.