A Helpful Guide for Families

It’s no surprise that infidelity shakes the foundation of not just a marriage but an entire family system. When betrayal occurs, the in-laws of the betrayed spouse (i.e., the family of the unfaithful partner) are often uncertain about how to respond. Should they maintain loyalty to their child or sibling, even if they disapprove of their actions? Should they distance themselves from the betrayed spouse to avoid conflict?

While every family dynamic is unique, the healthiest response prioritizes compassion, fairness, and integrity. Most betrayed spouses did not deserve the betrayal, and they should not be further punished by being ostracized or abandoned by their in-laws. Here’s how family members can navigate this difficult situation with wisdom and care.

1. Acknowledge the Pain of the Betrayed Spouse

The betrayed spouse is not just a bystander in this situation — they are a victim of profound emotional harm. Ignoring or minimizing their pain can compound their suffering and create lasting fractures in family relationships. Instead, express genuine empathy:

• “I can’t imagine how painful this must be for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
• “Please know that we still care about you.”

Acknowledging their pain does not mean choosing sides but recognizing their humanity. However, it does acknowledge your compassion for an in-law who has been betrayed.

2. Avoid Excusing or Defending the Betrayer’s Actions

It may be tempting to rationalize the unfaithful spouse’s behavior, whether by blaming marital struggles, personal issues, or external stressors. However, excusing infidelity invalidates the betrayed spouse’s experience and can cause further harm. A supportive approach involves holding the unfaithful partner accountable while encouraging them to take responsibility.

Instead of saying:

• “Marriage is complicated; there are two sides to every story.”
• “They must have had their reasons.”

Try:

• “What they did was wrong, and we don’t condone it.”
• “We are heartbroken over this and want to be as supportive as possible to both of you.”

3. Maintain a Relationship with the Betrayed Spouse (If They Want It)

Many betrayed spouses feel abandoned not only by their partner but also by their in-laws, which can add another layer of loss. If the betrayed spouse values the relationship, you should try to stay connected, whether through occasional check-ins, invitations, or simple gestures of kindness.

That said, respect their boundaries. Some betrayed spouses may need space, especially if the relationship with the in-laws has been complicated in the past. Let them set the pace. Unless you have been betrayed, it is difficult to understand the difficult journey they are undertaking.

4. Set Clear Boundaries with the Unfaithful Partner

Supporting the betrayed spouse does not mean rejecting your child, sibling, or sibling-in-law. However, it does mean holding them accountable and encouraging them to make amends if reconciliation is on the table. Avoid enabling further harm by:

• Not justifying their actions.
• Not pressuring the betrayed spouse to “move on” too quickly.
• Not allowing the unfaithful spouse to shift blame onto their partner.

5. Be Mindful of Grandchildren (If Applicable)

If there are children involved, in-laws play a crucial role in providing stability. Regardless of what happens in the marriage, grandchildren should never feel like they have to “choose sides.” Reassure them of your love and commitment to them, while avoiding negative talk about either parent in their presence.

6. Offer Practical and Emotional Support

If appropriate, extend help in practical ways, such as:

• Offering childcare if needed.
• Being a listening ear without judgment.
• Providing support without taking control.

Sometimes, small acts of kindness — a meal, a note, a call — can make a big difference in a betrayed spouse’s healing process.

7. Be a Voice of Reason if Reconciliation Is on the Table

If the couple decides to work toward reconciliation, the in-laws should take on a supportive but honest role. This means:

• Encouraging true accountability from the unfaithful spouse.
• Supporting healthy boundaries and the healing process.
• Not pressuring the betrayed spouse to “forgive and forget” prematurely.

Too often, betrayed spouses feel rushed into reconciliation for the sake of family unity. True reconciliation should be built on trust, not obligation.

8. Demonstrate Unwavering Support for the Betrayed Spouse

Support does not mean taking sides in a conflict, but it does mean standing up for what is right. If the betrayed spouse has been a part of the family for years, they should not suddenly become an outsider due to someone else’s wrongdoing.

Ways to show support:

• Continue inviting them to family gatherings (if they are comfortable attending).
• Reassure them that your relationship with them is not conditional on their marriage.
• Advocate for fairness if other family members unfairly blame or mistreat them.

Even if divorce occurs, severing ties with a long-standing family member purely due to loyalty to the betrayer can be damaging, not just to the betrayed spouse, but to the family’s moral compass.

9. Set a Positive Example for Nieces, Nephews, and Grandchildren

Children and young adults within the family are watching how adults handle difficult situations. If they see that betrayal leads to isolation for the victim while the betrayer is excused or protected, they internalize harmful messages about loyalty, accountability, and relationships.

Set a strong example by showing that:

• Betrayal is not acceptable, and actions have consequences.
• Family relationships should be built on integrity, not blind loyalty.
• People who are wronged should not be further hurt by abandonment.

This can be done subtly through actions — continuing to treat the betrayed spouse with kindness, refusing to enable the betrayer, and openly valuing honesty in relationships.

10. Accept That the Future May Be Uncertain

Whether the couple reconciles or separates, family dynamics will inevitably shift. The goal is to navigate these changes with grace, understanding that relationships may evolve. Regardless of the outcome, maintaining integrity and kindness ensures that family bonds — especially with grandchildren — remain intact.

11. Be Willing to Evolve as the Situation Changes

Sometimes, despite best efforts, relationships shift permanently. If the couple divorces, maintaining a respectful relationship with the betrayed spouse can be complicated but still important, especially when children are involved.

Being adaptable means:

• Recognizing that the betrayed spouse may need distance for their healing.
• Understanding that relationships may not return to what they once were, but they can still be cordial and respectful.
• Not speaking negatively about the betrayed spouse (or the betrayer) in front of children.

Final Thoughts

Family bonds should not be dictated solely by marriage status, nor should they be fractured due to one person’s betrayal. By handling the situation with fairness, integrity, and compassion, in-laws can help promote healing and uphold values that strengthen the entire family unit.

Infidelity is painful, but in-laws have an opportunity to be a source of comfort rather than additional harm. By treating the betrayed spouse with fairness, empathy, and respect, they not only support their loved one through a crisis but also uphold the values of decency and compassion.

Betrayal does not have to mean total family breakdown. With the right approach, healing — on some level — can still be possible.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! There is hope if you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy, as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you want to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma), helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.