Understanding How DARVO Affects Children

If your ex-spouse or partner has manipulated your children using DARVO tactics (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), it can be heartbreaking and frustrating. It can also threaten the mental and emotional health of your children.

However, you can help them rebuild trust, critical thinking, and emotional security while protecting them from further damage.

1. Understand How DARVO Affects Children

A manipulative parent may:

• Play the victim: “I only cheated because your dad/mom pushed me away!”
• Blame-shift: “Your mom/dad wants to keep us apart.”
• Attack the betrayed parent: “They’re the reason the family is broken.”
• Gaslight the children: “That never happened. He/she is lying.”
• Alienate the betrayed parent: “You shouldn’t trust him/her. He/she doesn’t love us.”

Children, especially younger ones, are vulnerable to believing lies, since they naturally trust their parents and fear conflict.

2. Stay Emotionally Grounded (Do Not Mirror Their Tactics)

• Do NOT badmouth your ex, even if they do it to you.
• Do NOT try to “prove” yourself right with excessive explanations.
• DO be a safe, consistent, and emotionally steady presence.
• DO let your child express their confusion and emotions without pressure.

Instead of saying:

“Your dad/mom is lying to you! That’s not what happened!”
Try:

“I understand you’re hearing different things. I will always be honest with you.”

Children shouldn’t feel forced to choose sides — they should feel safe expressing their feelings without guilt.

3. Teach Critical Thinking Without Directly Discrediting the Other Parent

Instead of outright saying your ex is lying (which could push your child further toward them), help them question things logically.

Use Thoughtful Questions:

Instead of: “That’s not true!”

Ask:

• “Why do you think Mom/Dad said that?”
• “Does that story sound fair to you?”
• “What do you think is the right thing to do when someone makes a mistake?”

This encourages independent thinking without making them feel disloyal.

4. Validate Their Feelings, Even If They’ve Been Manipulated

If your child is angry at you due to the other parent’s manipulation, don’t shut them down.

Instead of:

“I can’t believe you’d think that about me!”
Try:

“I hear that you’re upset. It’s okay to feel that way. You can always talk to me.”

When children feel safe expressing emotions, they will trust you more over time, even if they’ve been manipulated.

5. Model Accountability & Honesty

One of the most damaging aspects of DARVO is that it teaches children to avoid responsibility and blame others. You can counteract this by modeling integrity.

How?

• Take responsibility for your mistakes.
  (“I was frustrated earlier, and I should have handled that better. I’m sorry.”)
• Show them it’s okay to be wrong.
  (“Sometimes people make mistakes, but what matters is that we try to make things right.”)
• Teach problem-solving instead of blame.
  (“How can we fix this together?”)

Children learn more from watching your behavior than from your words.

6. Help Them Identify Manipulation Tactics (Without Blaming the Other Parent)

Instead of accusing your ex, teach your child how to recognize unfair tactics.

Example:

“Sometimes people don’t take responsibility for their actions, and they blame others instead. Have you ever seen that happen?”

If your child shares something about the other parent blaming you, you can gently say:

“I understand why that would be confusing. Sometimes, people say things because they don’t want to feel guilty. But that doesn’t mean it’s true.”

This helps empower your child without forcing them to reject their other parent.

7. Document Everything (If Legal Custody Issues Arise)

• Keep screenshots of messages from your ex that show manipulation.
• Journal what your child says when they report emotional abuse or alienation.
• If severe parental alienation is happening, consider seeking a family therapist or legal intervention.

8. Get a Therapist Who Understands DARVO & Parental Alienation

A therapist (for you and/or your child) can:

• Help your child rebuild trust and emotional stability
• Teach them healthy boundaries and coping strategies
• Provide legal documentation if manipulation escalates into parental alienation

Look for a therapist trained in:

• Betrayal Trauma
• Narcissistic Abuse
• Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)

9. Be Patient — Undoing Manipulation Takes Time

• Kids may flip-flop in their emotions.
• Your ex may escalate the manipulation if they see you reclaiming your child’s trust.
• Over time, consistency wins — your child will see who is safe and honest.

Even if they seem distant now, being a steady, loving presence will eventually outweigh the lies.

Key Takeaways

• Stay emotionally calm — don’t react with anger or defensiveness.
• Encourage critical thinking — ask gentle questions instead of “proving” the truth.
• Model honesty, accountability, and emotional stability.
• Validate your child’s feelings, even if they seem influenced by the other parent.
• Seek therapy and document manipulation for legal protection if necessary.
• Be patient — long-term trust is built through consistency.

Age-Specific Strategies for Helping Children Manipulated by a DARVO Parent

Children’s ability to process manipulation and critical thinking skills develops at different stages. Here’s how to approach them based on their age group:

Ages 3–7: Building Emotional Security & Reassurance

Challenges:

• Young children don’t fully understand manipulation, but can absorb the emotions of both parents.
• They might repeat what the manipulative parent says without fully grasping the meaning.

How to Help:

• Focus on safety and love. Example: “No matter what, I love you and will always be here for you.”
• Avoid correcting their words directly. Instead, acknowledge their feelings:
• If they say, “Mom/Dad says you’re mean,” respond: “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. I love you very much.”
• Use play and storytelling to reinforce healthy relationships and emotions.

Ages 8–12: Teaching Critical Thinking & Emotional Expression

Challenges:

• They begin to question things more, but are still easily swayed by emotional manipulation.
• May feel pressured to “choose” a parent due to guilt.

How to Help:

• Encourage curiosity & independent thinking. Example: “It’s okay to ask questions about what you hear. Not everything people say is always true.”
• Help them recognize blame-shifting. Example: “Have you ever seen someone blame others when they didn’t want to get in trouble?”
• Permit them to love both parents. “It’s okay to love both me and your mom/dad. You don’t have to take sides.”

Ages 13–18: Rebuilding Trust & Empowering Boundaries

Challenges:

• Teenagers are more self-aware, but they may strongly identify with the DARVO parents’ narrative.
• If manipulated, they may reject the betrayed parent to align with the “victim” (the cheating parent).

How to Help:

• Give them space, but keep the door open.
• Let them express anger without retaliation.
• Help them spot manipulation in general situations.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! There is hope if you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy, as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you want to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma) helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.