Telling Our Children About the Affair
(This is a contributed article.)
Within hours of learning of my wife’s infidelity and her intent to marry her affair partner, we agreed to let our children know of my wife’s actions, decisions, and our imminent divorce. It was a traumatic set of events.
We had two children in college, one recently graduated from high school, and one in middle school. Even though the news of my wife’s betrayal and infidelity had numbed my soul, we agreed to tell our children after I finished up my workday. I struggled to stay focused on my work and how much information we should share with our children. I knew what we said to them would have a deep impact on their lives and their ability to trust others in their relationships.
Up until my wife’s affair, I believed she had been honest with me and our children. I was wrong. (But I didn’t know just how wrong I was until much later.) She had been very dishonest and insincere with all of us for many years.
While we agreed we would let our children know about the affair and pending divorce, we also agreed that we would be civil and show a united front, committed to helping our children through the difficulty of divorce. We did this for our children so there would be no more secrets and so trust could be re-established.
Breaking the News
We decided to start with our youngest child, who was still living at home with us. We sat her down and broke the news to her. Upon hearing the news, she looked so shocked and helpless. She then began to cry. She was so innocent and didn’t deserve to have to go through this.
I remember wishing I could take her pain away as I saw the pain and hurt she felt wash over her. The pain of watching her realize what the news meant was excruciating. My wife held her and, in an emotionless and disconnected manner, tried to console our daughter. It was soul-crushing to witness. I whispered to our daughter that I loved her and that I wished she didn’t have to experience this chapter of her life. I assured her that she was loved and that we would do everything we could to minimize the impact it would have on her life.
The problem was, I knew deep down that I was partly lying. My parents had divorced because of infidelity, and I knew how hard it was on my siblings. I knew that no matter what we did, it would not repair or replace our once-intact family. My children would be deprived of the experience of growing up in an intact, stable home where the unconditional love of parents and caregivers should abound.
We sat in the room for about an hour with our distraught and crying daughter, trying to console her through the trauma of betrayal and infidelity. If there was ever a time I felt useless and a total failure as a father, it was then. Words can’t describe the disgust and shame I felt then.
We then spoke with our oldest child, who was at college. We broke the news to her. She was hurt by the news, but understanding. She told her mother how hurt and disappointed she was by her actions. She then told me she loved me and hoped I would find someone who loved and respected me as her mother should have done. She told me I was her hero. This broke my heart. We both shed tears while we struggled to come to terms with the end of our intact family. My wife sat there as if only mildly engaged in the aftermath of her betrayal and infidelity. She said nothing and offered nothing.
We were then supposed to speak with our oldest son when my wife informed me that she had already spoken with him, even though we had agreed we would speak with our children together. We then called our second son, who was preparing for college. When we broke the news to him, he was silent for some time. When he spoke, his voice was trembling and filled with pain and anger. It was filled with the pain and anger of a child who had been betrayed by a parent who expressed no remorse for their betrayal.
He asked how she could betray her marriage and our family. He expressed his anger and hurt from her betrayal. My wife seemed almost indifferent to the discussion and emotions he shared. No expression of sympathy or regret. She simply listened and responded with “I am sorry you feel that way.” After some back and forth, he finally said, “Mom, karma’s a ‘b*tch. I hope you get what is coming to you. I hope you get what you gave in the end.”
His words were filled with pain and hurt. In response, my wife simply repeated, “I am sorry you feel that way.” She deflected responsibility for the impact her actions were having on our children and family.
After we hung up with our son, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. Instead of thinking about the impact the calls had on our children, my wife expressed shock and frustration that I hadn’t defended her enough when our son confronted and challenged her about her infidelity. Her only takeaway from this was that she felt disrespected by some of our children. (Unfortunately, she didn’t recognize how much her betrayal and infidelity had shown our children that she didn’t respect them, marriage, or family.)
While it has been several years, I will always be haunted in some measure by that day. It was the most painful and destructive day for our family and our lives. We have all suffered in different ways since then, and things have never been the same since.
Welcome to Karma
My son’s words have been prophetic. While I am not a big believer in karma per se, I recognize that my ex-wife and our children have been paying the price for her infidelity and marrying her affair partner. While karma may come back to the betrayer, the betrayed spouse and children are also forever impacted.
Since then, both my ex-wife and the affair partner she married have been in years of therapy. Our children have as well.
Whenever I hear or read stories of betrayal and infidelity, I feel deep sorrow and sadness for all involved. There are only victims of infidelity. Infidelity is selfish and destructive. Those who believe infidelity is the solution don’t understand the problem they are running away from. They betray their spouse and children, and when reconciliation isn’t possible, they consign their children to being part of a broken and scarred family.
Call it karma or reality. It doesn’t matter. Infidelity only provides an illusion of happiness. When the illusion fades, reality sets in. And yes, karma is a b*tch.
Recovering From Infidelity
If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! There is hope if you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy, as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible!
Share Your Story
The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you would like to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.
About CHADIE Foundation
The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma) helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.
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