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What to Do If a Child Cuts Ties Due to Manipulation

Parental Alienation & DARVO

What do you do when your ex-spouse or partner alienates your child from you? Or, deceive and manipulate your children against you? What do you do when they use DARVO techniques against you and your children? (DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic used by individuals to deflect blame and responsibility for harmful behavior.)

First, if you are experiencing this, we acknowledge your pain and the tremendous difficulty you must be feeling. It isn’t right or fair for a parent to deceive and manipulate their children against the other parent. Unfortunately, it happens far too often, and the children suffer extensively because of it.

If your child becomes completely alienated and refuses contact due to the DARVO parent’s influence, here’s how to handle it wisely and increase the chances of reconciliation over time.

1. Do Not Chase — Give Them Space While Keeping the Door Open

  • When a child cuts ties, begging or forcing contact can push them further away.
  • Instead, let them know you love them unconditionally and leave the door open.
  • Example: “I respect your feelings, but I will always be here when you’re ready.”

Why? The DARVO parent likely frames you as controlling, so any pressure reinforces their narrative.

2. Consistently Send Unconditional Love Messages (Without Pressure)

Even if your child won’t respond, send occasional messages or letters that express:

  • Love
  • Support
  • No blame

Examples:

  • “Just wanted to say I love you and am thinking about you. Hope you’re doing well.”
  • “I’m here whenever you want to talk. No pressure, just love.”

What NOT to do:

  • Do not criticize the other parent (“They’re lying to you!”).
  • Do not demand explanations (“Why are you doing this to me?”).

3. Keep a Presence Without Forcing It

  • If they block you, stay present in indirect ways (e.g., sending birthday/holiday cards).
  • Use mutual connections (family members, friends) to remind them you still care.
  • If possible, attend school events or activities to show support without intruding.

4. Protect Your Reputation from the DARVO Parent’s Lies

  • Your ex-spouse may spread false stories about you to justify their “victimhood.”

If mutual friends or family believe the lies, calmly state:

  • “I understand you’ve heard things. The truth is more complicated, but I respect your perspective.”

Why? Staying calm contradicts the DARVO narrative that you’re unstable or controlling.

5. Document Everything (If Legal Steps Are Needed Later)

If parental alienation escalates (e.g., your ex is actively turning your child against you), keep records of:

  • Communication attempts
  • Evidence of manipulation
  • Any legal violations (e.g., denied visitation)

If severe, you may need legal intervention (family court, reunification therapy).

6. Seek Therapy (For Yourself & Potentially Your Child Later)

  • Therapy for you helps process betrayal trauma and stay emotionally strong.
  • Therapy for your child (if they later agree) can help undo manipulation.
  • Look for specialists in parental alienation and narcissistic abuse recovery.

7. Trust That Time and Consistency Can Heal

Even if your child is completely alienated now, many children reconnect later in life when they gain emotional maturity and see the manipulation for what it was.

  • Keep your behavior consistent (patient, kind, and emotionally stable).
  • If they reach out years later, welcome them without guilt-tripping.
  • Many adult children realize the truth on their own over time.

Final Takeaways

  • For younger kids, focus on love, emotional security, and gentle questioning.
  • For older kids, encourage critical thinking and independent decision-making.
  • If they cut ties, stay patient, consistent, and open to future reconciliation.
  • Document everything in case legal steps are needed.
    Therapy can help both you and your child heal over time.

Recovering From Infidelity

If you have experienced infidelity-induced trauma caused by the emotional and sexual betrayal of your spouse, there is hope! If you are a child affected by parental infidelity, there is hope! There is hope if you are a spouse who has betrayed your marriage’s trust, love, and fidelity! We recommend that you seek support through professional counseling and therapy, as well as through groups dedicated to supporting you through this traumatic journey. You are not alone, and recovery and healing are possible!

Share Your Story

The CHADIE Foundation shares personal stories of spouses and children impacted by infidelity and affairs. If you have a story you want to share and have published, please use the contact information below to share your story with The CHADIE Foundation. Our mission is to help educate everyone about the damage infidelity, affairs, and adultery cause families and how to minimize the impact.

About CHADIE Foundation

The CHADIE Foundation (Children are Harmed by Adultery, Divorce, Infidelity, and related Emotional trauma) helps spouses, partners, and children who adultery, affairs, and infidelity have negatively impacted. To learn more about CHADIE and how you can help, please email us at support@chadie.org or visit us at CHADIE.org.

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